Hello Everyone,
thanks for your posts, they make me feel less alone. It's not that my family isn't here for me actually they are incredible. my issue is letting them know how scared i am, i don't want them to worry more than they already are. My mom and my sister hover over me all the time, worrying and trying to do everything for me. So i act brave and tough and try to get them to stop worrying.

One of the best thing about my friend who passed away was i never had to say anything he always knew how i felt. My other friends are wonderful as well, but they can't begin to know how i feel.

Like i said at first i come to this site all the time to read the posts and remember i am not alone and there are other people who are going through what i am.

Right now the only treatment plans for me is to go into the Erbitux study if in three months i have a precancerous lesion. In the meantime i go to my surgeon at johns hopkins every month until something shows up. So now i find myself with my little flashlight constantly staring at my mouth (even at work in the ladies room).

In the meantime i am using a device called a dynasplint to help with my Trismus. I can't open my mouth very much at this point and eating is difficult.

Carol, i know that commercial you are talking about and every time i see it i get mad at myself for letting my fear control me. Honestly it was easier to deal with the fear the first time. The second time around i am finding it harder to get back on my feet. Now I am not going to give up but dealing with my fear has proven a lot harder this time. Carol you are in my thoughts, I will be sending you good thoughts and my love as you face your surgery and the return of your cancer.

Sunday is my birthday i turn 45 and my plan to celebrate in some way that i have reached it. I will see my family and a close friend, but i am trying to think of something i can do alone. Even if it's just sitting and mediating focusing on my blessings and my accomplishments.

I will go to sleep tonight feeling all of your caring and warmth.

thanks.
gina

scc 4/2004 r side tongue, flr of mouth.
neck disection,4 lymph nodes 34x rad,3X chemo
10/2007 r cheek. remove w/graft. 40 HBO dives.
01/2010 r cheek. surgery w/graft
04/2010,surgery remove lower right jaw, reconstruct. 4x chemo 25x rad. clear margins. pet 8/2010 clear
July 2012 right side bot cancer. surgery to remove, clear margins
4/2013 Surgery to remove cancer in lymph node near thyroid, clear margins
6/2013 start of rad 25X Chemo 7X