Hello,

i come to the site to read only, it keeps me feeling connected to the people who understand what i am going through.

I was first diagnosed three years ago under my tongue on the floor of my mouth and in 4 of my lymph nodes. i had surgery, radiation and chemo. Right after i started back to work my closest friend of 15 years started get sick from AIDS, he had been battling the disease for approx 16 years. I immediately started taking care of him, running errands, doctor appointments etc. I could concentrate on him and not think about my own disease. In March he lost his battle and the grief was enormous. it was the first time i had lost anyone close to me.

Well in October of this year i found a spot on my inside right cheek. After a biopsy it turned out to be cancer. a new primary (not a reoccuranace so i am not sure i should post here). I had surgery to remove it and now they are talking about putting me in a Erbitux study happening at Johns Hopkins right now.

I don't really have a question, but without my friend to talk to i am left feeling isolated from my family and friends. My friend was the one who understood what i was feeling. he was also the one who could handle my emotions and fears and wouldn't shy away when i needed to vent.

It was so hard to face cancer the first time, how am suppose to handle it again? I don't sleep very well and i am constantly thinking about cancer. I am always holding my fears in and trying to keep my emotions in check (hard to concentrate at work when my mind is constantly filled with fear).

I stare at his picture and try to think what he would say if he could. How do i handle all this and enjoy my life as well?

thanks for letting me vent.

gina