It's a new day and quite frankly after reading my post from yesterday I am ashamed of myself. I am not only ashamed for having started what today appears to have been my own little pity party, but also for losing my inpenetrable positive outlook on life.

So why are things so different today? Well, after making that post yesterday I started popping around to some of the other parts of the site. I then did a search to find out how things were going with someone that I had chatted with an several occasions and someone that noone could ever convince me had ever had a negative thought, Dannyboy.

Not having been here for a while I was not aware that Danny had left us. When I read about it I could not control my emotions and cried for near an hour. That was the start of the turnaround. Danny was, and always will be, one of the strongest people I have ever known. I will likely never have the amount of courage he had, but I can at least try.

Not long after leaving the site, out of the blue, a friend called and asked if he could take me out for dinner. Reluctantly I agreed to go, but told him I probably wouldn't eat much but would enjoy the company. After I consumed a large salad, two scoops of mashed potato with chives, some steamed broccoli and a marinated, grilled chicken breast I told him that was more food than I had eaten in the past week. He then informed me that he had accomplished his goal, get some food in me. His business is right next door to where I get my massages and I stop in to see him every week. He had been noticing my weight loss also, and was concerned. We had a great time over dinner and then afterwards here at the house just talking.

So at that point I had knowledge of a friend who fought with his positive attitude to the very end. As well, I had a friend that had watched me from day one go through my journey and had displayed his concern for my well being, not to mention a very healthy meal in my stomach. As I lay in bed the thought occurred to me that just maybe things are not as bleak as they appear.

This morning the sun did in fact rise. As I went outside to get my newspaper I saw the dew covered, green side of the grass, not the roots. I downed my usual orange juice and vitamin as the coffee machine gurgled and dripped the hot java into the pot. I poured a bowl of cereal, added some milk and sat down at the table to eat it. After a couple bites I got up and grabbed a notepad and made a worksheet just like I had used while in treatment, listing what I had consumed, how many calories it had and how much protein it contained. I rinsed out the bowl and as I was pouring a cup of coffee the door bell rang.

It was my sister, who lives about sixty miles south of me. Because I had not returned any of her calls, emails or her letter she had decided that rather than have the local police do a "health and welfare" check on me she would do it herself. I have always been rather quick with words and before she could say anything I told her that the rumors of my death were all false. She began laughing hysterically and then threw her arms around me. Our laughter turned to tears as she repeated said how glad she was to find that I was okay. We drank coffee and talked, and talked, and talked, and talked... I think you get the picture. I'll be going down to her house this afternoon to spend the night and all day tomorrow. We will be going for a long horse ride early tomorrow morning on the beach, with luck, early enough to watch the sun rise.

With the turn around in the past twelve hours bleak and not so bleak anymore. Though I learned that Danny had left us, his positive attitude still has an influence on me. I had a fantastic meal last night with a friend who cares about me. My little and most favorite, sister appeared out of nowhere to check on me and show her concern. Thinking back just a bit, my massage therapist also had made her concern known by telling me that I had to do something about my muscle loss.

True, my wife, the family pets and most of our belongings are not here and as some of you have mentioned I no longer have my support group with me. However true that may be, I think that the support group I had has just been revamped. It now consists of friends and family that are here. That is not to say that I no longer consider my wife part of my support group, I still do. She knows nothing of what has been happening with me here. I have an uncanny ability to turn the "poor mes" off when I talk to her on the phone, which we do, morning, noon and at night. Besides, she is where she needs to be now, with her mother, taking care of her and has enough to deal with without needing to worry about me.

Few of you will likely get this far with reading but I must clarify a couple things. I do not have a problem eating. I have been on solid food for quite a while. The peg tube is long gone. I do have the occasional problem with aspiration but can deal with that. It is just a case of forcing myself to eat, and eat properly that I have to change. I still have four cases of Ensure that I never used. That I can taste and will begin using it as a supplement, but supplement only. There is little that I cannot cook as I was brought up in, and owned my own restaurant. The key will be to just do it and say the hell with the fact that I cannot taste anything. If I want to make something of the thus far victory over this insidious disease, I have to eat.

Also, those of you who have read my journal know that my GP was always my "go to" guy. I doubt I will ever find a doctor like him again. I plan to make an attempt to get past "those people" out front and talk to him on Monday, I may even call him this weekend and leave a message with his answering service. I am reasonably confident, no, I am positive, that explaining my problem of being out of my meds will result in getting enough samples from him to carry me until my insurance kicks in.

Thank you all for caring. I hope you all have a fantastic day. I am off to go listen to the terror-filled screams that will eminate from the bushes and hedges as their little heads are severed by the electric clippers. I have no idea who the guy is that hijacked my account and made the post that started this thread, but I am glad he has been sent packing.

Loving you all!!
Bill, the REAL one!