Wendy -
Welcome to the site. The information everyone is so welling to share on this site is priceless. It sounds like you have a very realistic picture of your F-I-L's immediate future. My husband is batteling Stage IV SCC BOT and his treatments have been grueling. I took the approach of making sure Ken had all the information available on all of his options - then HE could make an informed decision about treatments.

As a social worker, I am sure you are very aware of all the resources available to you - use them! If he chooses to undergo treatments, ask his docs about having a home health nurse visit. I have not taken any leave from work through Ken's treatments (need the paycheck!) - so the home health nurse visits really helped me as much as Ken. Just knowing that they would visit and check on him allowed me to stay focused at work.

Having any seriously ill family member in the home will cause stress. Don't ignore this. Keep the communication open between you and your husband. Take time away from the house for some R&R - even if it is to escape to a movie. Oral Cancer is not just physically grueling - it is mentally exhausting for everyone. Take care of yourself and you will be better able to help your father in law. Carol