I think I'm burning out. I'm fighting a fire that I can't extinguish: cancer has consumed my life, and my parent's lives, for the past 17 months. I'm tired. I admitted my dad to the hospital today. The poor guy is so uncomfortable. He can barely walk, his breathing is labored, it's just not good. The meds have him drifting in and out, he's not eating. He doesn't want to accept any help from me or anyone else...I don't know what to do. I've let my business unravel at the seams, sometimes I don' want to shower or shave...or wake up. I generally have to take medications to fall asleep, I don't care to socialize with friends anymore. Nothing matters to me except keeping my parents alive, comfortable and happy...and the problem, the reality, is -- I can't do it. It's absolutely beyond my control and thats been a really bitter pill for me to swallow. I have got to pull myself together, and I don't know how. I'm not a religious person, so that's not an avenue for me. I've spoken with a couple of hospital social workers, I talk with my wife about what I'm going through, I've spoken with some other caregivers, yet I still feel deflated and defeated. I want my dad's remaining days to be as good as possible, and I try to be upbeat and make him laugh in an attempt to keep our minds off of his illness, but it's not easy. I want to enjoy the days instead of wasting them being angry or sad or depressed, but I'm finding it really difficult. I took him out for a drive this past Sunday, but he lectured me that I should be spending time with my wife, and having surgery for a problem that I have, instead of worrying about him. How can I not worry? It's hard to see someone who is a powerful force in my life being beaten up by disease. Then there's my mom who still can't eat and lost another 8 pounds. I don't know what to do for her. I don't know what to do about anything right now. That's not a good feeling. I feel like I'm drowning. Lately every time I get some good news and feel like I can start to focus on something other than cancer, the damn disease rears its head again and pulls me back into its vortex. Cancer sucks.

Mom's caregvr. DDS failed to dx 01/03. Dx Stg IV SCC 05/03. Induct. chemo, IMRT, 5FU, H, Iressa, Neck disect, radiation. Dad's caregvr. Dx 01/04 Ext. Stg SCLC. Mets to liver/bone 08/04. Died 11/12/04. Mom tongue CA dx 06/13, hemiglossectomy (80% removed) 08/13. Clean margins and nodes, but PNI. 6/15/15: Tongue CA at base of remnant tongue. Declined further tx; hospice.
Died 10/13/15. What a long and difficult journey.