Hi Sharlee,

Yes I think your feelings are normal and so are his. I can remember writing a similar note to Jack at one point - same issues, don't leave me out, tell me how you're feeling - but from a caregiver perspective. And I also remember that it didn't work.

My style of coping is to talk to anyone who will listen, and even some that won't. I'm definitely into pouring my heart out. Jack is more private and it's harder for him to share his feelings. But I've learned this year that doesn't mean he doesn't have them.

I've done a lot of work on anger management since this started and counseling really helped that. Like Gary said using "I need" statements rather than "you should" is the best approach. It makes it less confrontational because we're the only ones who can really say how we feel. Also, I had to learn to listen. For those of us who like to talk, hearing what someone else is saying can be a real challenge. I was always thinking ahead to my next comeback and missing his points.

We have been married 26 years and just renewed our vows. We've worked hard to find our new normal and to keep our connection to each other as a couple. In the beginning everything was just one big raw nerve. You're in shock with the diagnosis and the stress of the treatments - and that's before you add second guessing everything you're doing. Mostly we're all hoping we- or the ones we love - actually survive all this crap.

I guess what I'm saying is that you are both going to have to find what works for you in this situation and it may not be the same coping strategies. I can tell you I have never felt more helpless and alone than in the beginning of this when we were still figuring it all out. I didn't want to add to Jack's fears, I was trying to keep it all together because I thought that was expected, and there was this terrible sense that I had not one clue what to do here. I wanted to make it all better, and of course I couldn't.

There's no good role to play here, what you are going through as a patient is horrific. You do need all the support you are describing and you do need your husband. The thing is you may actually have him. He may be giving all that he is capable of at this moment. He may be so scared that he doesn't know what to do. So the snow blower etc. could be diversions, just something to push the pain away.

You absolutely need to talk about your feelings. Who do you confide in normally? Have you considered talking to a counselor about what you are going through? What were your patterns of communication with your husband before the cancer? Did he share his feelings then?

Best of luck at Dana faber next week and you hang in there.

Regards JoAnne