I smoked and drank up until the day of surgery. I didn’t drink a whole lot, mostly socially but I am a social person and my job involved lots of schmoozing and having cocktails was just part of it....anyway those days are over. I smoked pretty heavily...it was hard to quit but the Alan Carr book really helped me. I occasionally sneak one - like maybe once a week but I don’t enjoy it that much. It’s more a matter of getting away with something I shouldn’t be doing I guess. I’m weird.

I’m meeting with the rad doc and my surgeon tomorrow morning. My tumor was 5mm and I guess that is the “line in the sand” anything over 5 gets rad and anything under does not. My surgeon told me all along that i would not need rad - even after the surgery...it was only when he met with the cancer committee and I guess half of those docs thought I should and half said not necessary. His RN told me it was 50/50 on whether i needed it. I def don’t want this to come back so i guess I should but honestly, the side effects sound horrible. Quality of life is everything to me. If I am forever going to have trouble speaking and eating - and then all of the side effects from rad - is it really worth it? Once a radiologist gets involved will h/she always push for rad/chemo?

THe things I enjoy doing the most - going to restaurants, eating out, brunches, tasting food, - TALKING - i used to talk a lot - are the things I don’t do well anymore. I don’t leave my house if I can help it except for doc appts. On top of all the other crap, when they did the surgery they got that sticky brown antiseptic in my hair and after laying there for 10 days i basically had a giant dreadlock/knot of hair which mostly pulled out once i got home and was able to tackle it. I cant even hide behind my hair anymore. All of this is so petty but I am so miserable living like this and I don’t see an end in sight. I see it only getting worse after I do the radiation.
Sorry for the rant.