I appreciated every word you said Christine and all the rest above.

To some extent, I'm an outsider on this cancer journey so my perspective might be different from others going through this as the patient or caregiver but I will share anyway as I do know there are likely others on a similar path as mine but maybe not coming forward and expressing it.

My husband has isolated himself from family, friends, etc for over 25 yrs. I can name the date he made that decision. It was the day I brought our son home from the hospital. He shut down, isolated himself. I do not know why, I've pondered it for years. He has a son that was 6 yrs old who was his world and that had never changed until he got cancer. The son is 31 yrs old and there is a whole story behind his life! But even the beloved son is being rejected and he is tired of this charade too. He says we can't help him as he refuses to help himself and he takes it out on us that he is suffering and will not accept help. I can add that the doctors and nurses are at that same place....done.

Having been disreguarded for 2 decades and then having to take care of someone who has done that to you....well, let's say if I didn't have my faith, I would have left him for sure over this but I did not. I have not doted on him or sat by his side day by day but met his needs as much as possible. I still had to endure controlling behaviors, mean comments, etc. It's been hard and I have such a wonderful support system with friends that I am blessed. And while I am the one to try to meet others needs, I have graciously been accepting money and gifts from others who want to help us. Who am I do deny them blessings for helping someone else? I was worried I would feel prideful accepting gifts but I am so thankful that others can see us through this trial.

I told him recently that pride would kill him before cancer would. It's just the truth. When we are given the tools to success in life and in this case, get well, and we don't use them, we can blame no one else but ourselves when we don't get the outcome we wanted. As he has always chosen, he wants to find the quickest way to the front of the line. This time....there is no quick way to the front of the line (meaning back to healthy) without taking the baby steps. He refuses to accept that truth. He wants us to drive and get him fast food while he refuses to try to swallow yogurt or soup. My dad told him years ago that as a child, you have to start with baby food, you can't have meat right away. but he wanted to have best RIGHT NOW. He wasn't willing then or now to do the work to get to the best. I never dreamed how on point that comment would be in husband's life.

While I have shared much intimate info about my situation, its not a sudden event really, it's been decades of the same ole same ole but now it's hit the fan. I have read each comment and pondered them as I know many here have wanted to help me out. I've garnered so much information that has guided me. My greatest obstacle has been separating health from control issues on this journey because in the long run, I have to take care of myself first before I can take care of someone else.

Thank you for reading about my journey and I'm hoping it helps someone else know they are not alone.

So here's where we are at: he keeps asking for the keys to drive himself to buy food. I will not allow him to have keys as he is dangerous to himself and the public. I've got foods in the fridge he could eat like mashed pototoes, cheese cake, yogurt, soups. He's too prideful to eat those foods....he doesnt' want baby food, he wants meat! He thinks he is going back to work shortly but cannot figure out how to get into his computer easily. He cannot stay awake more than an hour or two at a time, sleeps most of the day. He does not leave that bed except to go to the bathroom maybe once or twice in a 24 hour period. He will do nothing to help himself.

The older son and I have decided that we have to let him sink a little to get past this pride obstacle. Neither of us are willing to take the verbal slander to help him. some might judge us but it's a long pattern that needs to stop. I told the nurses I would call to have him admitted in the ER if I saw him turn gray or look bad. I'm not just dumping him along side the road but there comes a point where a person needs to find the drive to get well and be willing to do what it takes to get well. We've tried for 3 months to help him find that and it seems to be enabling him rather than helping him.

The oncologist waived doing a CAT scan and PET until mid December. The original plan was to do one 4 and 5 weeks after treatment but after the last appointment, the doctor decided to wait. He was disgusted at the rebellion my husband has shown during and after treatment. So we have no idea how he is healing or not healing. He was doing so much better the few days he did all the feedings. The cough was almost gone. Many of the old symptoms have returned this past week. He is still dealing with nausea as he will take the meds but he takes them immediately before eating. So when he throws up, he says the meds don't work. Duh!

May my words be a lesson that says what Christine has preached many times but said in a real life way.....follow the doctors orders! They know what they are talking about and if you chose the short cut, you are choosing the long and hard path.