Change to the change to the changed changes. I'm starting Thursday of this week. My radiologist has the plan designed and set, so they called chemo and Thursday is day 1. I'll get my rad then I'll go across the street for my cisplatin.

This stupid PEG is creeping me out big time, so I am going to keep hydrated/fed orally. Recently bought a blender that can probably make smoothies out of granite and diamonds, so....as of right now, I WILL find a way to get through this without this Frankensteinesque apparatus.

I'm scared and worried-- the pain, nausea, side effects, etc, but I get to keep my tongue and larynx ( at least until they see if this cured me ) and I've seen people who have it worse than me soldier on, so I shall overcome. Fear, as the Bene Gesserit say, is the mind killer. More importantly, I think it's perfectly reasonable to be apprehensive -- it's sure as hell not going to stop me. I just need to remember that this is temporary, it's an inconvenience, but my team of doctors (f*** yeah, I have a TEAM of people looking after me -- when I were an urchin living under a bridge I never thought I'd have a whole ****ing TEAM of people dedicated to taking care of me) are all thinking CURE. No way I'm going to argue with THAT!

My wife is confident we walk away from this. Changed yes, but we walk away. I think so, too. Now if I can just learn to sleep comfortably with this idiotic tube sticking out of me, I'd be golden!

If there is one thing I've (re )learned over the past month, it's that you take what you're given and if you don't like it, you do your best to punch it in the face and that's what my team is going to do to this cancer. I just wish I was the one pulling the trigger, because I'm not used to letting other people fight my fights for me.

Diagnosis to treatment was a journey - one full of fear and uncertainty, pain and no small amount of sadness. My wife and I have been walking that path, looking for this path. Now we have found it, and for the first time we've let others set our course and that's difficult for us. Now we'll walk it, though -- with trust and what passes among us for faith and, most importantly, together.

A new journey, a new life starts Thursday.

Kind of reminds me of a song:


I always drive like a madman,
But you'll soon get used to that
I believe if you're moving fast enough, then
You don't ever have to watch your back

Or if you prefer,

I'm heading north, I'm heading home doing 125
Close my eyes and count to ten -- haha, I'm still alive
Perfect, perfect tunnel vision
Razor sharp and racing, racing
These moments, immortal,
No one touches this


Cheers,

The Hellion