Thanks everyone. Not sure if Auckland has the talking trach ... will inquire.

Gabe, this tempestuous patient has twice managed to overdose on morphine using the self-administered pump, the tempestuous patient has hallucinations so real she thinks she's living in another world, she has a drug reaction that causes her to disconnect the trache from the humidifier, pull out her naso-gastric tube and run out of the hospital (at night down the fire escape stairs, in her gown) convinced the hospital is under military attack. She can't relax, can't sleep and has other patients in the 4-bed room complaining.

I spent a lot of time on Friday explaining my sensitivity to morphine and the bad back that causes extreme discomfort during the two weeks lying on my back on a hard bed. While the rigours of this sort of surgery might seem a worthy means to a curative end to most people, they are very real to me. I can be a tough and realistic cancer patient day to day, but I'm always a gibbering wreck after major surgery and always have been. When people say you just have to get through it, it's as if they're saying I have to spend two weeks in a dungeon being tortured but that's okay because it will help me survive in the long term.

Every time I say or think this, I feel guilty because I'm lucky to be sort of curable and a beneficiary of such sophisticated microsurgery. But it's how I feel ...

Anyway, strong-minded now. I'm going up Rangitoto Island, a volcano near Auckland Harbour today: Looks a bit hazy for good photos but I'll do my best.

Love to all
Maureen