Bilge, you are a good friend and your intentions are the best.......But I honestly don't understand your assumptions.

Why do you insist that your friend have chemo? Not all oral cancer treatments incorporate chemo. If it's not medically necessary, chemo should be avoided because the side effects can be severe and prolonged. In fact, the Natl Cancer Institute's treatment guidelines for parotid tumors don't mention chemo at all: http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/treatment/salivarygland/healthprofessional

Why do you believe that your friend, his wife, his surgeon and his radiation oncologist are all incapable of making reasonable treatment decisions? Isn't it more likely that they have information you don't, than that you have information none of them possess?

The only thing that could make a cancer diagnosis worse would be well-meaning casual acquaintances second-guessing one's choice of treatment and doctors. It's good advice to explore the options, good advice to consult a CCC, but once you've had your say the decisions belong to your friend and his family.

Here are some ways to get your friend's back no matter what treatment and docs he chooses: Acknowledge the skill and determination he's demonstrated in getting that tumor out so quickly and finding that smart radiologist. Offer to mow the lawn, take the kids to the zoo, repair the porch railing or anything else you can do to ease the coming difficult weeks. Strive to be a source of strength and support, not doubt and anxiety.

Many clues in your post suggest that you are aware at some level that your interventions have probably become unwelcome. You mention the casual nature of your friendship, your sensitivity to boundaries, your uncertainty about your "role," the fact that your friend never sought your input and now has no news for you. Trust that small inner voice telling you to back down.

I don't mean to offend by any means -- Your friend is lucky to have you in his life and is going to need your help getting through this.