I'm just here to vent a little. My husband had a CT the 25th of October after having a sore throat that wouldn't go away. It was another couple of weeks before the biopsy was back but we essentially knew he had cancer after that first CT. Seven and one half weeks have passed. There have been biopsies, CTs times 2, a PET scan, 20 teeth extracted over 2 sessions, 2 weeks of healing time (a welcome calm patch in all this), a radiation planning session with mask making and more scans, a session with the medical oncologist, a consult with a surgeon for PEG placement and then the PEG placement. It is all pretty standard and familiar to everyone here.

I've watched as my robust husband has gone through periods of feeling really awful. I'm watching him get weaker and skinnier. I'm seeing the lymph node swell on the side of his face. And I won't even comment on the fear that both of us try to keep in check. I've been looking forward to the day the treatment begins that will kill this thing that is trying to take over his body. And now it is upon us. He starts radiation Monday in chemo within a couple of days of that.

I want to talk about roller coasters now. Recently I took my 10 year old son to an amusement park near where my family lives. You can see this one coaster from MILES away and it looks absolutely wicked. Huge hill, steep descent. I've been to that park a few times in the past few years and wanted to go on that roller coaster but know I just don't have the stomach for that sort of thing anymore. There isn't anything fun about being scared shitless at my age. But I was there with my kid and against my better judgement I went on it. I can still feel the visceral reaction when they locked that bar down over my legs and it started to move forward.

Tonight I am feeling that feeling amplified about a million times. I am locked in and starting to move forward. I want the whole thing to be done but DO NOT WANT TO GO ON THIS RIDE. I can't even scream and swear my way through it. And I dare not close my eyes.

I admit to liking the roller coaster after going on it. Fairly certain I won't like this one. I just want us (our family) to make it through in one piece. Thanks for listening. Laura


CG to husband Stage IV SCC left tonsil 11/11. Mets to 7 nodes on left, 2 on right, no distant mets. PEG, 7 weeks radiation and weekly Cisplatin ended Feb 10, 2012. PET 04/12 areas consistent with inflammation, complete response in nodes. Recurrence 09/13 pulmonary lymphatics. Died 22 Oct following an allergic reaction to Erbitux.