Jenka

Despite my positive thinking post on this forum, I know very well what you are talking about. If you check any of my prior posts, I have consistently complained about the "Tyranny of Positive Thinking". It's normal to be depressed and angry about this. Almost every book on Cancer portrays it as such a life enhancing & enobling "challenge" because nobody wants to buy a true & unembellished account of how terrible our ordeals truly are. You need to go the OCF Blog forum or the private blogs of Cancer patients to see that anguish. The one exception I have seen is the cartoon book: Cancer made me a Shallower Person
Still, even more anger provoking because it's so unfair is that positive thinking is what you need here. Because in the end, Cancer survival is more of a MIND GAME, than anything else. Actually that helps me since I alwsys loved "mind games" and makes surmounting these obstacles almost fun (but not really). Finally don't forget about our anger/coping forum where I have a Don't You just hate it thread with over TWELVE THOUSAND views and 21 pages of posts.
Let me end by emphasizing this is not a rebuke nor criticism (trust me - everybody on OCF can tell when I'm doing that )
just an empathic response that I feel like you do each and every day - heck, I'd bet I'm more angry since I can not even eat or drink. Getting past that anger & regret is just another daily hygenic chore - like clearing out the choking mucous - or massaging the frozen neck scar - or using the Therabite to stretch the trismus- . We need to take care of both our body and our soul. You can do this. Keep the Faith
Charm