And I see that none of us sleeps much either. :-)

Thank you Rosie for sharing with me. I know that sometimes it seems that I want to talk about certain things and if I talk to the wrong people it is always interpreted poorly.

Knowing that this place is here regardless of how virtual it is has been more helpful than any pill. I have such trouble sorting out all of the emotions that are overwhelming me and I am afraid that sometimes it may sound like I am being selfish etc. That is never my intention but what is weighing the most on me is this.....

My life is my family. The 4 of us are great together, not perfect, but great. My husband is my best friend, he is the person I want to run to and have hold me when I hurt. The one who rubs my head and tells me that everything will be ok. The one I can share my feelings with no matter how stupid they may seem.

But for now, that is on hold and he cannot be there like that and I am lost without that piece of my life.

You are right about my children. They are the reason that I get up in the morning now. And I know they are suffering too. And I have no answers. But I hug them a lot and I talk to them and we do things together and we are still a great family.

I know that I should only look at the here and now and not do the cart and horse thing but sometimes, when I am here alone, and the kids are sleeping and Harry is in the hospital, I look around my bedroom when I lay down at night and I see him everywhere. His things, his places and such and for moments, no matter how hard I try to block it out, I get scared that one day my being alone in our bed could be permanent.

I am scared and I don't know if that will ever go away.

Rosie, You are a wonderful person to share with me and I am grateful that you are willing. And what you said was exactly what I wanted to know. Not how others think you are but how you know you are. I cannot say that I am coping either and I am not really sure what coping means. But I am moving from day to day the best that I can most days anyway. Thanks again for your candor.

Stephany, You are right about the school thing. In a way it is one of the few "No Cancer" things left in my life. And I cling to it, although I have to say that Contracts is exceptionally boring. :-)

School is my last vestige of structure and if I lost that I dare say I would fall completely apart.

I cried a river tonight and I do not feel relieved, just exhausted. So I am off to push my head to my pillow so that I can stare at the ceiling for a while. Then it is up early, kids off to school, and onward to the hospital.

A Day In The Life.......

Cindy