Stephany,

This is going to sound harsh and I am not recommending anything that you know in your heart won't work. I am just going to share my story with you and maybe there will be something useful.

My hard-headed, I can take care of myself, husband knew for almost 3 weeks that he had a lump on the side of his neck. He never said a word to me about it. He has never explained why but he uses the excuse that he just thought it was a swollen gland and that eventually it would just go away.

Finally, late on a friday afternoon, he asked me to look at his neck. My immediate reaction was call the doctor. I told him to insist that the doctor see him right away. He didn't.

When he finally went to see the doctor she suspected lymphoma. She sent him to an ENT. None of these appointments did he make very quickly while I was nagging and pushing him to get in sooner. The doctor would just say he didn't have an appointment for a week or so and my husband just said ok. I, on the other hand, was angry and confused. I really thought that he needed to get this thing checked out right.

He finally went to the ENT and that doctor decided he needed a CAT scan. Another week before the scan could be done, another week before the follow up appointment with the ENT for the results. Then he was sent to the lab for a fine needle aspiration. Another week for those results. Negative.

At this point the ENT is scheduling surgery to remove the lumps. My husband just goes right along and at this point I finally blew a gasket!

I told him that before he let anyone cut on his neck, he needed a second opinion. But NOOOOOOOOOOO, he said this was fine and he was scheduled. I was also at that time getting ready to go in the hospital myself for a hysterectomy.

So now weeks have passed and he is all ready to give into this surgery and I am nagging and nagging about this second opinion. Friends are saying to me that it is his health and his body and he should be able to make whatever decisions he wants. So I tried to back off. But I couldn't. I just knew that something wasn't right.

Finally I told him that he could do a second opinion or I would have the divorce papers ready for him to sign. I basically told him that I could not live with this craziness of not asking someone else what they thought.

I was extremely serious and I think that he knew it. The next day he gave in and I found another doctor. Within a week the fine needle aspiration was redone and it was cancer.

Today, when he tells people this story, he prefaces it by telling them that I saved his life. I don't know if I would say that but I just had to get it through his thick skull that sometimes logic is right and sometimes you just have to follow it like it or not.

The truth is that I would not have left him but I also would not have let it go either and he would have had to step on me and watch me go to jail for making a scene had he tried to go through with the original surgery. Would that have been the right way to handle it? I don't know but I did know that it was the wrong answer to go along without making certain of what was going on.

Since then we have constant fights. Sometimes they are vicious to the point of not speaking at all for some periods of time. But I can see this thing from a place that he cannot and I am a logical being. So if we must fight, then we must. And if he stays angry with me for a long time, then so be it. I know, like raising kids in a way, that they might profess to hate you now because you are making them do things they don't want to do, but when it is all over and they have survived and live many more years beyond the last treatment, they will know that it was my love for them that fought against them so hard just to get them to the place they always wanted to be.

I offer this because the situation you are in is a very difficult one. Only you can decided what lines you are willing to draw in the sand and how important the outcome of those divisions are. Use the doctors when you can as your backup. They are good at reinforcing what you preach. Check with the doctors to make sure that you understand the best thing to do and/or all of the options that are available. Then use those tools the best you can to guide your mother in whatever way you are comfortable.

Be aware that there are some who will never give in, never listen, and never change. If that is the case with your mother then you will have to support her the best you can. It does not mean that you can't mention it or let her know of your objections/concerns.

I wish you all the luck and tell your mother that being stuborn under most circumstances is an admirable quality, but the beast she is fighting can be even more stuborn and will take advantage of every opportunity you give it. Without enough food and water, not just in quantity but also quality, the good parts of her body are fighting like a boxer with his hands tied behind his back. She needs to fight the beast with everything she can and that includes healthy, hydrated, nourished, good cells that can beat the hell out of the bad guys.

I am praying she will listen to you.!!

Good Luck and take care of yourself.

Cindy