I think I understand exactly how you feel Alpaca. I feel like I'm just waiting for the inevitable. But anytime I say anything about having cancer around my family they cut me off completely and say, "You HAD cancer...you don't have it any more." So I'm basically not allowed to mention how scared I am that it will be back shortly. I have yet to have a clear PET scan. There is always "activity" because they keep doing stuff to me so they blame it on that. So I don't even know if it is officially gone at this moment. I look like I'm normal except for scars so they think I'm "cured". I don't feel that way. I had all my Christmas shopping done by July "just in case". Now they're all jealous of me because they still have shopping to do. And they act like I should be happy to be skinny. I just want to be back the way I was.