Hi everyone. Hope you all have a good Christmas up there in the snowy northern hemisphere - most of you.

I've hit a psychological speed bump on my road to recovery. I have so much to be thankful for and had a good check up two weeks ago to mark the end of my first post-op year. But my surgeon reminded me that 80% of these cancers return in the first two years if they are going to return. I've just accepted a year long part-time job starting in February; a triumph for me to get such teaching work with a slight speech defect. I'm worried that the cancer will come back before the end of next year and make taking on such a job irresponsible.

Because our family was very busy when I went to see the surgeon, I did not make my usual list of questions but got out of there as fast as I could. But the 80% in the first two years must have pinged a nerve somewhere because it has made me apprehensive. Nobody asked me what the doctor had said; I'd told them it was all fine and we all went on with our family reunion. Moreover, because I am so well with minimal side effects, nobody allows for a certain fragility in me any more. They get angry with me and expect a lot from me just as they would from the matriarch of any family, I guess. Having no daughters or sister might be part of it. I have three lovely sons and a brother and a husband who is getting very old and forgetful. Close friends don't want to entertain the thought of the cancer coming back so as with my previous cancers, I feel as if I'm carrying this alone. I feel that I have reserves of courage I can draw on - no worries there - but, heck, I just wish people understood what it's like to be a cancer patient in limbo.

All respect to those of you in treatment who are not as lucky as me right now to have my life back. Just thought there might be someone out there who could put their finger on what ails me!!!

Alpaca,

You can't live your life waiting to die, you have to LIVE! So many kudos to you for getting a job, you're going to be fine and I'll bet no one will even notice your slight speech defect (unless of course you're teaching elocution or something!).

The limbo is hard though, I agree. People tell me I'm 'fine' too but there is always that little niggle of doubt in the back of my mind, always. I do think being a cancer survivor is a very lonely place sometimes and that's why having a forum like this one is so very important.

- Margaret

I think I understand exactly how you feel Alpaca. I feel like I'm just waiting for the inevitable. But anytime I say anything about having cancer around my family they cut me off completely and say, "You HAD cancer...you don't have it any more." So I'm basically not allowed to mention how scared I am that it will be back shortly. I have yet to have a clear PET scan. There is always "activity" because they keep doing stuff to me so they blame it on that. So I don't even know if it is officially gone at this moment. I look like I'm normal except for scars so they think I'm "cured". I don't feel that way. I had all my Christmas shopping done by July "just in case". Now they're all jealous of me because they still have shopping to do. And they act like I should be happy to be skinny. I just want to be back the way I was.

Thank you people. That story about the Christmas shopping resonates with me Bloop19 - sorry I don't know your name. At least we can understand each other.

I know. Everybody says, "oh, you're fine." I'm actually a pretty positive person, but I also have to be realistic. My scans have all been clear and I know that the doctors are really keeping an eye on things, but as you said, it's always in the back of my mind.

Alpaca,

Congratulations on accepting your year-long teaching assignment! That is a clear sign that you are embracing life. You were offered your new job based on your qualifications and experience. Like most jobs, it is assumed that you will complete your assignment for the duration. While none of us can predict the future, we cannot offer guarantees on it either. Don't let the "what ifs" immobilize you.

It is lonely when you can't safely express your feelings to your loved ones. But many times they are not the best people to share with your fears about cancer. They are ill-equipped to handle such a weighty subject. Have you considered seeing a therapist or social worker? As a caregiver, I had my own fears about cancer and I could not say anything to my husband. He was leaning on me and I needed someone on which to lean on. It really helped me.

You have been through a lot and have come a long way. I wish you the best, keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Anita

Alpaca,
I am right there with ya! I try to be as positive as possible, but there are still lingering thoughts. Yes, my surgery was a year ago, and yes I survived 3 cancers in one year and the only way to tell are a few scars and slurred speech...but unless you have gone through it, you really dont know. I have worked all my life to build myself up to what I was before my surgery and in a matter of 15 hrs...I felt it was all stripped away from me. Dont get me wrong, Im very grateful to be here today, but it is hard and all the while, you have this nagging thought in the back of your mind that says "you know what statistics say". Most days I feel like I am on a tight rope...on one side is positive and the other is negative and I have wavering thoughts all day coming at me from both sides...but I continue to push the negative thoughts aside. That is all we can do. I think someone else had posted that we just have to keep pushing ahead and continuing to fight. I wish you the best of luck and just remember that in your mind you have to control the "cancer" (whether active or not) and not let it control you.
Stacy

Alpaca,

First of all...your Dr's a dick and you should kick him in the sack the next time you see him. Seriously. This is a prime example of why Dr's shouldn't be allowed to speak to patients...well at least the stupid ones, which unfortunately is a large population of Dr's.

If we learn nothing from these forums is that we are ALL unique biological entities and statistics mean nothing to an individual. I remember when I was "first" diagnosed, the businessman/poker player in me pestered EVERYONE and their mother for "my odds" of beating this disease. Thankfully none of my medical professionals were frickin stupid enough to give them to me. My RO gave me the best answer out there...he looked at me point blank and said "Eric, it's either 0 or 100%, you're either going to beat this shit or you won't.". I love that man for that answer...it set me free from worrying about odds.

Live your life...live everyday like the gift it was meant to be. Feel good about yourself when you give your surgeon the finger and tell him where to shove those statistics because they don't apply to you and next time shut his yap and learn a little tact.

Do what makes you happy, it's your show, your dime, get your money's worth.

Eric

I love you EricS! You put it out there in black and white and to the point! LOL

alpaca

what a lovely Christmas gift it would be if Santa granted your wish: [quote]I just wish people understood what it's like to be a cancer patient in limbo.[/quote] Unfortunately only the OCF forum members truly understand what you are going through

I'm your age and IMO, the answer to your question: "what ails me" is Nothing. You sound 100% normal to me. Your feelings are all too familiar to many of us. I heard the same 80% scary stuff my first time only with an 18 month timetable which I "beat" by having my cancer come back within a year. I like your metaphor of "psychological speed bump on the road to recovery".
What would have been truly irresponsible would have been to put your life on hold in the oft chance that the cancer would come back. EricS's post is so true about statistics not mattering at all to the individual who either gets it or not.
On the bright side, every day that passes makes the possibility of a recurrance more unlikely.
I'll leave you with a quote I found helpful
[quote]The final battle of illness is for the high ground of emotional health to accept limitations and pursue the dream of a successful life[/quote]
Keep the Faith
charm

Alpaca,

One thing i've learnt since diagnosis is that NO ONE is garaunteed tomorrow whether they have cancer or not. In fact some one i know (16yrs old and healthy) recently passed away in a freaky accident with a 3 yr old!!! So we all have to live for today and enjoy what we have.

I think we all on OCF understands how you feel because no matter how positive we all try to be, we will still have days where the fear and worry will get us. But the trick is to not let fear take control of what we have. Live for today and tomorrow will take care of itself.

And i agree with everyone about statistics - they mean crap all. I have never asked about my chances of survival or reoccurrences because no one knows which end of the percentile you will fall into. You could fall into the 80% or you could be the 20%, who can tell you which one you are going to be in. And as we have found out on this forum, many many have beaten the odds!!!

I hope you feel better soon and have yourself a merry christmas.

Minh

Hi Maureen,
Your surgeon�s comments have been covered by others but I wanted to add a few thoughts on some of your other points.
Your journey has been much the same as mine as far as treatment, recovery and side effects are concerned.
Mine however was a few years earlier. Maybe in a strange way I am luckier to not have the husband and kids to look to for continued concern and understanding when I was a year or so out.
I did however have some family and work colleagues who just presumed that I was clear of cancer (recurrence was in my thoughts but not on anyone else�s radar) and at some stage knew better than to bring it up unless asked.
There again it is this OCF family who are the ones to turn to as they understand everything about our fears and concerns.
Look forward and enjoy that teaching job next year.
You will be great but if you need a shoulder come back here where you will get the support from those in the know
Have a great summer Christmas with family as I will too.
Love
Gabriele

Thanks everyone. Over the hump now and back to my normal determined self:) You people are wonderful.

Alpaca,
I think that all of us who survive the diagnosis and treatments expect "the other shoe to drop" for a good while after we are "cured". I know that I felt that way for a couple of years. But after surviving 8 years, I now think of myself as a regular, healthy person and, even if it is a bit naive, I no longer expect anything bad to happen, and I live my life just like the other people around me,worrying about retirement, etc. It is amazing how many "healthy" people I have already outlived.

Funny enough, I have had just the opposite reaction than you have experienced. People come up to me and ask "how are you doing?" When I say "very well" or "just fine", they look into my eyes, and with a very sincere expression, ask again, something like, "are you really okay?". Then I assure them that yes, I am fine.
So, I guess some folks expect you to act like you are "cured" and have that legendary "positive attitude" that all non-cancer survivors think is so important and that we are all supposed to have, and others think that we are dead men walking, living on borrowed time.

In any case, it is great to be a survivor, even for those of us who feel at times a lot more like humbug than Pollyanna!

Take care

Charm,

That last quote was awesome.

Eric

Oh boy could I relate to you Bloop- My last PET scan was not clear and I insisted on a biopsy and found out that that niggling feeling was right, the cancer was back. People always tell me how great I look (70 pounds thinner than a year ago)but yeah, given a choice I would take the fat back and be done with all of this. I was actually accepting for a while but now after all the pain, worry of losing my job, loneliness and isolation from everyone, I too want to be back the way I was. I'm so glad you guys are here.

Cancer is such a lonely disease. Seems wierd in view of the fact that each one of us knows several people who have been affected by some form of this disease? Why do we then feel so isolated?

I marvel each time I walk into our CancerCare Building. I am consistently shocked at how many people there are waiting for appointments, in the hematology lab, chemo, radiation, etc, etc. How can this be, I wonder, when I feel so alone?

I think it is an isolating disease because of the fear the word itself invokes. Cancer. We give that word a great deal of power and what is isolating is our fear. We don't talk about our fear. We don't talk about dying yet each and every one of us will - some day, some how. My surgeon once told me I would die from this cancer - or I would die from something else. Smart man (and a bit of a smart ass).

I think once we share our fear and find someone to talk to, we begin to take away the power we have given that "C" word.

We are here with you.

Donna

Right on, Donna - Sharing our fears, especially with someone who understands, is much easier to bear. It gives the fear less power. The reverse is also true in that sharing a joy increases the good feelings it brings. I think that's why we are all so happy when one of us has passed a happy milestone in recovery. I can still remember (4 years ago) how my 5 year old grandaughter and I danced around the kitchen when we saw how her Daddy was able to actually taste and enjoy a gourmet jelly bean!