Hi everyone. Hope you all have a good Christmas up there in the snowy northern hemisphere - most of you.

I've hit a psychological speed bump on my road to recovery. I have so much to be thankful for and had a good check up two weeks ago to mark the end of my first post-op year. But my surgeon reminded me that 80% of these cancers return in the first two years if they are going to return. I've just accepted a year long part-time job starting in February; a triumph for me to get such teaching work with a slight speech defect. I'm worried that the cancer will come back before the end of next year and make taking on such a job irresponsible.

Because our family was very busy when I went to see the surgeon, I did not make my usual list of questions but got out of there as fast as I could. But the 80% in the first two years must have pinged a nerve somewhere because it has made me apprehensive. Nobody asked me what the doctor had said; I'd told them it was all fine and we all went on with our family reunion. Moreover, because I am so well with minimal side effects, nobody allows for a certain fragility in me any more. They get angry with me and expect a lot from me just as they would from the matriarch of any family, I guess. Having no daughters or sister might be part of it. I have three lovely sons and a brother and a husband who is getting very old and forgetful. Close friends don't want to entertain the thought of the cancer coming back so as with my previous cancers, I feel as if I'm carrying this alone. I feel that I have reserves of courage I can draw on - no worries there - but, heck, I just wish people understood what it's like to be a cancer patient in limbo.

All respect to those of you in treatment who are not as lucky as me right now to have my life back. Just thought there might be someone out there who could put their finger on what ails me!!!