Merry Christmas everyone.

Every time I get a glimmer of hope it’s wiped away. I had my biopsy and got the flow cytometry results back first they were normal. I was still holding out hope the lump in my neck and swollen tonsil were benign. A few days later I was told they were metastatic cancer.
A couple days ago I saw the ENT for next steps, we scheduled a PET scan and rad-onc/hem-onc appts. She told me it’s very likely HPV associated tonsil cancer with lymph node spread, but that we could be cautiously optimistic.
I came here and saw a post from someone that said they had surgery and the doctors believed they got all the cancer and chemo and radiation might not even be necessary. I started to think maybe that could be me? Maybe things could be ok?
Then a few hours later I discovered what I think is a tumor on my jaw. It’s a hard lump on the inside part of the jaw under my right incisor, my cancer is in the right tonsil/lymph nodes. I can’t tell if it’s something that’s always been there and I’m only now noticing it, or if it’s something that’s grown over the past few weeks because my cancer is spreading fast and aggressively.
It ruined Christmas. I started panicking. I couldn’t speak. I went white as a sheet. I’m so scared. I’m so lost. I can’t believe this is happening to me. Why does this happen to anyone? I can’t wait 4 days for a pet scan and another week for results I’m going to drive myself insane even more than I already am. This month has been hell. And I know it’s going to get much worse. For me and my family. And my wife is suffering with me and my depression. She can’t say anything to make me feel better. And I can’t shake my fear and anxiety and be present. I can’t take much more of this.