#92828 03-30-2009 08:35 AM | Joined: Mar 2009 Posts: 1 Member | OP  Member
Joined: Mar 2009 Posts: 1 | Greetings! My situation: A close friend (age 33) of the past three years told me yesterday that he thinks he has oral cancer- numb/swollen lips and tongue, white lesions inside his mouth, sometimes pain swallowing and shooting pains in his neck, lymph nodes slightly swollen. When I first met him three years ago, I noticed that he had a small sore on his lower lip (right were he would drag on his cig)that would scab, then disappear and reappear every once in awhile.
Almost two months ago, Feb. 5, he woke up with a numb mouth and realized that he should get the lesions in his mouth-that he'd been ignoring- checked out because "whatever was going on, it wasn't good." His primary doctor cleared him of STDs and anything else he could think to test for so now my friend has been to referred to an ENT specialist. I've been nagging him to make the appointment and he's dragging his heels because he thinks it-whether it's truly cancer or not is still unknown- is too far gone for him to be saved. He is a heavy drinker and smoker and refuses to even lighten up on those things, which is beyond my comprehension.
How can I help him? It's almost impossible to be supportive when he's fighting to stay ignorant but I'm the only person he's told and I can't not do anything. I've threatened to tell his sister/best friend if he doesn't make an appointment-is that out of line? I live thousands of miles from him right now and his sis lives only three miles from him. I don't know where to go from here and this is just the beginning!
| | | | | Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 5,260 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 5,260 | Nag him until out of frustration he agrees to get the appt and make sure he keeps it. It might be nothing but then again it's a good possibility it is. Get you a whip and don't quit usint it.
Since posting this. UPMC, Pittsburgh, Oct 2011 until Jan. I averaged about 2 to 3 surgeries a week there. w Can't have jaw made as bone is deteroriating steaily that is left in jaw. Mersa is to blame. Feeding tube . Had trach for 4mos. Got it out April.
--- Passed away 5/14/14, will be greatly missed by everyone here
| | | | | Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 8,311 Senior Patient Advocate Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Senior Patient Advocate Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 8,311 | What is not out of line to save a person's life? If he doesn't get this checked out you very well may not have a friend to complain about much longer. Yes it may be to late but that is not for either of you 2 to determine.
David
Age 58 at Dx, HPV16+ SCC, Stage IV BOT+2 nodes, non smoker, casual drinker, exercise nut, Cisplatin x 3 & concurrent IMRT x 35,(70 Gy), no surgery, no Peg, Tx at Moffitt over Aug 06. Jun 07, back to riding my bike 100 miles a wk. Now doing 12 Spin classes and 60 outdoor miles per wk. Nov 13 completed Hilly Century ride for Cancer, 104 miles, 1st Place in my age group. Apr 2014 & 15, Spun for 9 straight hrs to raise $$ for YMCA's Livestrong Program. Certified Spin Instructor Jun 2014.
| | | | | Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 10,507 Likes: 7 Administrator, Director of Patient Support Services Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Administrator, Director of Patient Support Services Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 10,507 Likes: 7 | Best of luck helping your friend. Its not easy being so far away. Your friend is in denial which sure doesnt help matters. I would try telling them its their choice, either they go get it checked or you will have to tell their sister and friend. Just explain you care for them and dont want to see anything bad happen to them.
ChristineSCC 6/15/07 L chk & by L molar both Stag I, age44 2x cispltn-35 IMRT end 9/27/07 -65 lbs in 2 mo, no caregvr Clear PET 1/08 4/4/08 recur L chk Stag I surg 4/16/08 clr marg 215 HBO dives 3/09 teeth out, trismus 7/2/09 recur, Stg IV 8/24/09 trach, ND, mandiblctmy 3wks medicly inducd coma 2 mo xtended hospital stay, ICU & burn unit PICC line IV antibx 8 mo 10/4/10, 2/14/11 reconst surg OC 3x in 3 years very happy to be alive  | | | | | Joined: Mar 2009 Posts: 23 Member | | Member
Joined: Mar 2009 Posts: 23 | keep on him....if you wanna spend time with him in the next few years....KEEP nagging. Actually the sooner the better, will be easier to kick cancers butt!!! KEEP on him!! | | | | | Joined: Dec 2008 Posts: 1,004 Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) | | Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)
Joined: Dec 2008 Posts: 1,004 | I would agree with the others for the most part. However, he is a grown man. Nobody can force him to do something he doesn't want to do.
Suzanne
***********
T1 SCC on right side of tongue
Age 31...27 when diagnosed
4 partial glossectomies
No chemo or radiation
Biopsy on 2/2/10-Clear
Surgery needed again...no later than April 2011
Loving life and just became a mother on 11/25/10
It's not what we CAN'T do..it's what we CAN do:)
| | | | | Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 8,311 Senior Patient Advocate Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Senior Patient Advocate Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 8,311 | "he is a grown man", hummmmm
David
Age 58 at Dx, HPV16+ SCC, Stage IV BOT+2 nodes, non smoker, casual drinker, exercise nut, Cisplatin x 3 & concurrent IMRT x 35,(70 Gy), no surgery, no Peg, Tx at Moffitt over Aug 06. Jun 07, back to riding my bike 100 miles a wk. Now doing 12 Spin classes and 60 outdoor miles per wk. Nov 13 completed Hilly Century ride for Cancer, 104 miles, 1st Place in my age group. Apr 2014 & 15, Spun for 9 straight hrs to raise $$ for YMCA's Livestrong Program. Certified Spin Instructor Jun 2014.
| | | | | Joined: Aug 2008 Posts: 238 Gold Member (200+ posts) | | Gold Member (200+ posts)
Joined: Aug 2008 Posts: 238 | He's scared to go and scared not to go. I would nag him one last time and then go right to his sister/best friend. Like someone else said...if he doesn't get something done soon, you may not have to worry about it anymore. On the other hand, you both may be pleasantly surprised. In any case, he will be helped. Hang in there!
Nancy T
CG/Mom: 5 1/2 years SCC upper palate,4 recurrences, surgeries, chemo & radiation. Mom went to Heaven 1/21/11.
| | | | | Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 718 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 718 | Has anyone ever "nagged" successfully? It sure hasn't worked for me on my husband or kids...and, trust me, I have tried more times than I care to admit.
KKB, I realize this is hard on you. Do you ever visit your friend...have you thought about offering to visit and accompanying him on his appointment?
What's the downside of telling his sister or best friend? Do you think they'd have a better chance of getting him to go to the doctor?
Margaret
----------
C/G: Husband, 48 (at time of dx)
Dx 5/18/07 SCC, BOT, lymph node involvement. T1N2BM0. (Stage 4a, G2/3)
Tx 6/18 - 8/3/07, IMRT x 33 Cisplatin x3 (stopped after 1st dose due to hearing issues). Weekly Erbitux started 6/27/07 completed 8/6/07.
| | | | | Joined: May 2008 Posts: 357 Platinum Member (300+ posts) | | Platinum Member (300+ posts)
Joined: May 2008 Posts: 357 | The conspiracy of silence he's put you in can make you an enabler to a self-fulfilling prophesy. *Threatening* to tell his sister/best friend just adds to the drama. If you are that worried, tell them. I know it's easier said than done because you will feel that you are betraying his friendship, but continuing the debate makes you a party to this deception. And even if you tell his sister/friend, there's no guarantee he will see a doctor, but at least you know you did the right thing.
His symptoms may not lead to a diagnosis of OCC. If it doesn't, you can feel foolish; if it does, at least you knew you did the right thing. But this situation is in his hands, not yours.
Give him a deadline: Tell him if he doesn't make an appointment within a week, you will call his sister. That gives him some control over the situation. If he lies about making an appointment, all bets are off - tell his sister.
Sorry for being so harsh, but I feel strongly about this. I wouldn't write him off, but I would not continue to be his enabler.
Marlene
Marginal mandibulectomy 6/17/08 resulted in DX of Stage I SCC - gingiva (3 mm) right mandible, buccal side. Clear margins. Occasional social drinker. Smoked last cigarette in 1979. Clear pet: 12/08; 7/20/09. Yay!
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