Greetings! My situation: A close friend (age 33) of the past three years told me yesterday that he thinks he has oral cancer- numb/swollen lips and tongue, white lesions inside his mouth, sometimes pain swallowing and shooting pains in his neck, lymph nodes slightly swollen. When I first met him three years ago, I noticed that he had a small sore on his lower lip (right were he would drag on his cig)that would scab, then disappear and reappear every once in awhile.
Almost two months ago, Feb. 5, he woke up with a numb mouth and realized that he should get the lesions in his mouth-that he'd been ignoring- checked out because "whatever was going on, it wasn't good." His primary doctor cleared him of STDs and anything else he could think to test for so now my friend has been to referred to an ENT specialist. I've been nagging him to make the appointment and he's dragging his heels because he thinks it-whether it's truly cancer or not is still unknown- is too far gone for him to be saved. He is a heavy drinker and smoker and refuses to even lighten up on those things, which is beyond my comprehension.
How can I help him? It's almost impossible to be supportive when he's fighting to stay ignorant but I'm the only person he's told and I can't not do anything. I've threatened to tell his sister/best friend if he doesn't make an appointment-is that out of line? I live thousands of miles from him right now and his sis lives only three miles from him. I don't know where to go from here and this is just the beginning!

Nag him until out of frustration he agrees to get the appt and make sure he keeps it. It might be nothing but then again it's a good possibility it is. Get you a whip and don't quit usint it.

What is not out of line to save a person's life? If he doesn't get this checked out you very well may not have a friend to complain about much longer. Yes it may be to late but that is not for either of you 2 to determine.

Best of luck helping your friend. Its not easy being so far away. Your friend is in denial which sure doesnt help matters. I would try telling them its their choice, either they go get it checked or you will have to tell their sister and friend. Just explain you care for them and dont want to see anything bad happen to them.

keep on him....if you wanna spend time with him in the next few years....KEEP nagging. Actually the sooner the better, will be easier to kick cancers butt!!! KEEP on him!!

I would agree with the others for the most part. However, he is a grown man. Nobody can force him to do something he doesn't want to do.

"he is a grown man", hummmmm

He's scared to go and scared not to go. I would nag him one last time and then go right to his sister/best friend. Like someone else said...if he doesn't get something done soon, you may not have to worry about it anymore. On the other hand, you both may be pleasantly surprised. In any case, he will be helped. Hang in there!

Nancy T

Has anyone ever "nagged" successfully? It sure hasn't worked for me on my husband or kids...and, trust me, I have tried more times than I care to admit.

KKB, I realize this is hard on you. Do you ever visit your friend...have you thought about offering to visit and accompanying him on his appointment?

What's the downside of telling his sister or best friend? Do you think they'd have a better chance of getting him to go to the doctor?

The conspiracy of silence he's put you in can make you an enabler to a self-fulfilling prophesy. *Threatening* to tell his sister/best friend just adds to the drama. If you are that worried, tell them. I know it's easier said than done because you will feel that you are betraying his friendship, but continuing the debate makes you a party to this deception. And even if you tell his sister/friend, there's no guarantee he will see a doctor, but at least you know you did the right thing.

His symptoms may not lead to a diagnosis of OCC. If it doesn't, you can feel foolish; if it does, at least you knew you did the right thing. But this situation is in his hands, not yours.

Give him a deadline: Tell him if he doesn't make an appointment within a week, you will call his sister. That gives him some control over the situation. If he lies about making an appointment, all bets are off - tell his sister.

Sorry for being so harsh, but I feel strongly about this. I wouldn't write him off, but I would not continue to be his enabler.

Marlene

Has anyone ever "nagged" successfully?

My wife has numerous times. She starts of slowly and if I don't relent then she turns up the heat so I have painfully realized it's better for me to give in quickly than to be mentally tortured and then give in or worse, she does what ever it is herself and I either have to redo it or hear about it forever.

I still fight to the end re keeping more pets but I'm not good at that approach either as we have 8 cats, one rabbit and a big puppy/dog. We are in the midst of her forcing another dog on me right now. In 3 months time she has managed to "legally" take a puppy away from it's owner by soliciting the efforts of our Vet, our local police and the SPCA; obtained free surgery and care form our local vet (FMV $3000+) and has placed him "temporarily" in our home until she finds a suitable owner. IMO only the Pope would qualify as suitable but I'm still resisting with all my frail determination.

If any of you visit us and have pets please have pictures available showing totally healthy and happy animals and notarized endorsements from friends and neighbors.

Nagging....now theres an art we we females have REALLY made our very own.

I need lessons in nagging...
Marlene

David,

I think its great that you love your wife so much. :-)

What kind of puppy?

M-

Anytime Marlene
I am a bit of an expert if i do say so myself lol

I bet you can make them think you are being nice while you chew their rear out too. LOL You have quite the gift of gab Liz and I enjoy it. Have a great day there lady.

Margaret,

A full male Pit about 1 year old but he has been abused and will never be able to have full use of his hind legs due to the surgery to correct the abuse. He is the most lovable big headed dog with a powerful broad chest in the world. Name is Lamont.

Re nagging,

My Office Manager is by far the worst as she will tell me I need to do something, like call a client or look something up for her and if I haven't gotten back to her in like 2 minutes she's in my office saying politely "have you had a chance to...". I will say no and off she will go only to return in another 5 mins or so and somehow work her question into whatever conversation she just started. This will go on until I drop whatever I'm doing and complete her task. I could be talking to the Pope and she would still nag me until I put him on hold.

When my wife and Lesa gang up on me, which is always, I know I am gonner.

I have another female accountant that works for me and she's real nice, pleasant and doesn't nag me one bit. She'll put something on my desk to be reviewed and it could stay there forever and she wouldn't nag me. My kind of woman.

Is it true that dogs and their owners grow more alike the longer they are together?

Hi David,

Sounds like your wife isn't the only one who has taken a strong liking to the dog! I think Lamont is lucky to have landed in your home! :-)

How can you say, "No" to this poor puppy? You wife wasn't nagging, she was appealing to your better nature!

Marlene

A full male Pit about 1 year old but he has been abused and will never be able to have full use of his hind legs due to the surgery to correct the abuse. He is the most lovable big headed dog with a powerful broad chest in the world. Name is Lamont. [/quote]

Liz,

I hope so cause Buddy is one handsome dog. Everytime I walk him people always tell me how beautiful he is.

Margaret,

See that's her plan of attack. First she finds something and then I vehemently object and the she says "OK but we have to keep it just until I find a SUITABLE owner" all the while just buying time knowing I'll sooner or later get attached. I have pressed very hard on Lamont and the other day she told me that she had found Lamont a new owner BUT he couldn't take him until next Thursday. Yeah right, she just wants one more week to work on my butt!! This ain't over yet. Lord help me when I finally retire and have no more excuses re not having any time to care for something.

Dear David,
Gee, I wish I could find it in my heart of hearts to feel sorry for you- but it ain't gonna happen [that's an old Southern expression, Honey] My 3 house dogs were all discards and I love them dearly.
Congrats on being the top poster!! Shows how much you really care.
Amy

Or it reflects how many cases of Carnation's drink he has made a commission on..... (just kidding, not trying to start anything... you have to be so fracking careful on the boards these days)

I think it just shows that CPA'S are underworked and overpaid lol.

I agree with Liz on this one. LOL When do you find time to be a CPA David? LOL. Must have a good staff in that office. And yes, keep the dog. He sounds like a winner.

Amy, Margaret, Marlene, EZ and others re Lamont,

Getting real close to Thursday and she's now made her last move. Last night as both Buddy and Lamont lay on our bed with 3 cats BTW, she teared up and told me that the new owner only lives in a 1 bedroom; has a rocky relationship with his GF; has another big dog already; is a recovering alcoholic and was seen drinking a beer in the restaurant yesterday. So what kind of life will that be for Lamont!!! Then the floodgates opened.

I haven't told her yet but I know I can't win this. Man I just don't have time for 2 big dogs and I know that as soon as she gets to keep Lamont, he's mine and she will be off rescuing.

Brian,

I wish I had been able to get something going with the Carnation people. Lord knows I have tried and tried and tried to get someone with some decision making authority to return my calls. It just seems so natural that a symbiotic relationship could and should exist between OFC and Nestle.

Cookey and EZ,

Like a good CPA I manage my time properly to do the things that I consider important each day and making sure that others that get caught in these headlights learn what to do and what not to do is on the top of my list.

It's funny sometimes as my wife will drag a customer over from her restaurant and bring them into my office, clients or not, and introduce them as "David, this is xxxxx, he has cancer." She somehow thinks that I can help anyone with any kind of cancer. Maybe I'll start giving them Brian's number.

David,

Is it really that much more trouble to walk two dogs at once or open two cans of dog food instead of one? This new home doesn't sound like a good match for a dog with permanent health problems. Maybe you could keep Lamont until you or your wife find a better home for him. Two dogs vs one doesn't necessarily double the work and tax season is almost done. Just a thought.

Take care,
Eileen

Eileen,

Did my wife solicit your help? Sounds like it. I had a client/friend of ours come in my office today and saw Lamont and started talking about what a sweet dog this and mannered dog that and how well he gets along with Buddy and on and on. After threatening her with a huge IRS debt, she finally confessed Jo had asked her to talk to me. Man all the stops have been pulled on this one. The only one who hasn't ganged up on me (yet) is her Mom. Probably saving her till tomorrow.

And yes 2 dogs = twice the work of 1 dog IMO.

I'm a loss cause. I can't see anyway out of this without being the bad guy or loosing all marital privileges.

Jo and I must have gone to the same school of "Sucker in your husband 101" cuz we have 3 cats just because of my cajoling. Only Jo must have gotten all A's in her class! How's her sciatica, by the way? And give a big hug to your newest dog from us! Heheeeee Jane (and Dick)

Jane,

I think you mean "Sucker in your husband 401" because surely she uses advanced tactics.

Sooo yesterday, knowing that I was lost cause, I decided to try to salvage something out of the deal so I wrote an Agreement saying in exchange for agreeing to keep Lamont she had to agree to the following. I went on to list 7 terms including things like, She agreed that Lamont was hers; She had to walk him EARLY in the am and LATE at night; She had to take him to the vet, etc and I threw in one that said She had to do everything I told her. I wish I had saved a copy because it went into the trash right after she found that term.

So here it is 8 am Thursday, no Agreement and both dogs have been walked, pee'd and pooped and are romping in my office and princess is still asleep. Now I wonder how I can come out of this with any dignity.

Forget the dignity - it's not all that it's cracked up to be. Have a welcome-home party for Lamont. While you're at it, make your wife breakfast in bed ... after you've done early duty, of course.
Happy Easter to Jo's Honey Bunny -

Marlene

Surprise of my life. Yesterday the person that was supposed to take Lamont showed up a few hours late with his GF and Jo had a long talk with them and decided to let Lamont go. I had nothing to do with the conversation or her decision. In fact I questioned her twice if she was sure she wanted to do this.

Lamont is type of dog that will be happy with anyone so he'll be just fine and he has a new found brother just about his age to play and grow up with. He promised to bring Lamont to the dog park so Jo can see him. Then Lamont and his new owners left and she cried for the next 2 hours.

So what was Buddy's take on this now that he has lost his canine friend and has to deal with 7 cats by himself?

I hope Lamont enjoys his new home. I'm certain your wife will keep an eye on him. Should we start a pool on how many weeks it will be before the next stray wanders across your wife's path?

Take care,
Eileen

As long as the winner donates the winnings to OCF. I think it would be a quick turnaround.

Hugs to Jo, on the trade-off for Lamont, but knowing Jo, I am sure these folks got grilled before Lamont ever left your property! I wish everyone was more like you two re: animals! Jane

Ok - Lamont's gone, but that doesn't let you off the hook for making breakfast in bed for your wife. I give you 3 weeks before you get another sad in your household.

Marlene

OK we have 3 weeks down. Anyone else?

BTW the prize will be Jo's next "project".

Well Jo and my Office Mgr, Lesa just "came clean", got it off their chests, blah, blah, blah and told me that she has been keeping Lamont at her Mom's house for the last 3 weeks but now must bring him home.

My wife says she feels so much better now. So now I have a 75 lb 16 month old "puppy"; a 60 lb 11 month old gentle full blown Pit; 8 cats and a rabbit. Oh and Jo promises (yeah right) this is it.

Great! Lamont is back home where he belongs. I thought he was gone for good. My husband and I have two rescue dogs and two we raised from puppy-hood. We have a mix; 110# black lab, mini daschund, 97# yellow lab and a Jack Russell, who my husband calls their social director. Soon it will be warm enough for them to go swimming in the lake. Gets them back in shape after a long, long winter. We had snow showers all day Tuesday. Thank God it didn'stay.

Oh, David - You are dealing with professionals! They are good! Don't even try to hold them to "this is is."
Seriously, I'm glad Lamont has found a home.

Marlene

[quote=davidcpa]Well Jo and my Office Mgr, Lesa just "came clean", got it off their chests, blah, blah, blah and told me that she has been keeping Lamont at her Mom's house for the last 3 weeks but now must bring him home.

My wife says she feels so much better now. So now I have a 75 lb 16 month old "puppy"; a 60 lb 11 month old gentle full blown Pit; 8 cats and a rabbit. Oh and Jo promises (yeah right) this is it. [/quote]

So David, what ever happened to the couple that showed up late and took Lamont a few weeks back?

BTW, I think it's cool that Lamont is backed. You should post pics on Facebook!

Jo began working on me and them within a few days. She would tell me stories of how horrible his living conditions were; how a neighbor found Lamont roaming around, etc. Then things went silent and I thought she had reconciled herself to the situation or to put it another way I was lulled into a false sense of security.

I am/was determined to let Lamont sleep on our screened in breezeway but last night a large blowing storm with tons of lightning came through and by the time I got downstairs he was pushed up against the screen on the other side so I HAD to let him in. Once inside he and Buddy decided to play fight using our bed as home base. We did put him back on the breezeway to sleep. As we speak he and Buddy are playing in my office. Poor thing, he's had a rough life but I guess he's hit the Lottery now.

I'm a weakling when it comes to animals.

I'll take some pics and post them as soon as I can.