This journey started just before Christmas. I have tried to be the educated caregiver. I have handled all the bills, appointments, missed too much work, and questioned doctors beyond their expectations. I pay all the pills and make sure he doesn�t take too many meds. He cant keep up with any thing. His chemo brain is so bad, I wonder if there is brain damage. He has 10 doctors and half of them are jerks and some of them I couldn�t live without.

I feel all alone and friends and family seem to be pulling away. I never thought this would happen and I can�t imagine doing this to them.

I just got in a huge shouting match with one of my closest friends. This is the loneliest feeling in the world and I just want to go hide and cry.

Yesterday was our 25th wedding anniversary and it was one of the saddest days of my life.

cray

Almost everyone here has had friends and/or family members act in less than helpful ways. I also have had many "friends" disapear. Try to call your friend and explain how you feel. i actually emailed one of mine that i was disallusioned with and she called and took me out to dinner. Others I have forgotten about and hope they are never in this position because I certainly won't be there to help. Don't hide-cry if you have to but don't make yourself a hermit. I have started having some friends and family over on the weekends to help with the loneliness.

Sue

Dear Cray,

I don't have any perfect answers for you, but I can at least offer you a sincere cyber hug and let you know that although it may seem like it, you aren't alone. There is a big group of people here on OCF pulling for you and your husband, people who do understand the pain, lonliness, heartache, fear, and despair you are feeling right now. And we all care.

I would urge you to get in to talk with somebody, your physician, a social worker, a priest/rabbi/pastor, a therapist - - somebody who will listen and help you sort out your feelings and get a handle on how you will be able to handle tomorrow.

It's obvious to that you are a very capable and loving spouse. As you said, you've worked hard to handle all the details for months and months. You have educated yourself and been a great caregiver and advocate for your husband, and you should feel proud of yourself for all that you have done already. I'm so sorry that you are feeling sad and alone, but I again would urge you to find some emotional support. Talk to those friends and family members bluntly if you must and tell them what you need and how you feel. Continue to talk with the doctors about your husband's "chemo brain" and see if they have further suggestions.

And do try to take at least a few moments for yourself today. Treat yourself with something that will make you feel better and is just for you - an ice cream cone, time alone with a good book, a walk, a funny movie. And know that there are strangers out here who care and support you, and wish they could do more to help.

-Tricia

Cray,

I think you need to have a talk with hubby and let him know you would really appreciate him getting more involved again, maybe to the point of being the nurse from hell and demand he take it back. I don't know what he was like pre Tx but I was the type that wanted to start doing everything I used to do just to prove to myself that I was not going to let this cancer take anymore of my life than need be. Maybe he's gotten used to you doing what he used to be responsible for.

Re your friends, you are obviously very frustrated with things "at home" so to speak and you don't seem able to vent even normal frustration let alone all the other stuff that's been accumulating so it can easily affect your outside relationships as well. If your life was rolling along great would you have had the same argument with your close friend?

Remember we're not trained pros but we are trying to help so I hope I helped in someway.

David,

I have pushed my husband (nurse from HELL) to go back to work part time. Before treatment he was VERY active person. He was pretty active during treatment taking to the lake and fishing and doing things around the house. The fatigue just seems to be overtaking him since the chemo burn and pnemonia. His RBC is still low and he he is ordered not to eat(aspirations). So much stuff, but I am pushing him to do more. He treats me very good and loves me but he cant create energy that isnt there.

No the argument wouldn't have happened if I wasnt in this darn cancer world. She heard me talking about my husbands ENT doctor chewing my husband out because he couldnt remember the dates of a couple of procedures he had done last month. I was out of town on business and she started yelling and cussing that I should have printed out his medical history and sent it with him for his appointment. She is a good friend and very antimated....i know she ment well but walk a mile in my shoes.

So I have decided to limit my comments about my situation and maybe see a shrink!

Cray,

Seeing a professional is sure to help you. I hope you do seek out a good therapist.

Unfortunately, having a friend, relative etc. with cancer sometimes brings out the worst in some people. I think that what drives people away sometimes, is their inability to know what to say or do. So they stay away.

If you care to rekindle some friendships that are important to you, you might just have to tell these people straightout how you feel and hopefully they will realize what they have done.

Good luck to both of you. I hope things get better soon.

Jerry

Cray, keep the Faith - we are here for you. I was primary caregiver to my Mom who had pancreatic cancer and I hope I can give you some advice that helped me. Be specific when asking friends and family for help and realize that different people have different capabilities. Don't expect things from people who are incapable of doing them, instead, find out what they can do. Maybe your very organized friend (the one who suggested you print out a health history) could help with the household bills, or maybe she could keep and distribute that health history. Please do talk with someone - this forum will help - but a real hug helps too. As others have suggested try your place or worship (even if you are not active,) or the Cancer Society or other local volunteer agency - even a home health aid a few hours a week. Take care of yourself or you will be unable to take care of your husband. Good Luck, we'll be thinking of you. Tina

Has your husband been seen re depression? Many people have had bouts with depression after their Tx ended?