Well, the MRND is done and all nodes removed were cancer free- YAHOO!! Mary has done well since, just beginning solid foods, incision healing well. She has a lot of numbness from the right ear to the top of her shoulder-which should improve over the next several months according to the docs, moderate stiffness on the right side of her neck and some mild to moderate swelling of the lower portion of her jaw as the fluid tries to find a new "pathway".
She was doing well until yesterday when she had a complete meltdown as she termed it. She was very agitated, doesn't feel that she is getting in enough food, scared that things will never be "normal" again. She is expecting way too much of herself at this stage I think-and I think she had SO much pre-op anxiety that she is just crashing.
I had to put on my "nurse hat" (poor thing- I can be brutal!).
The thing that is bugging her the most is that she can't sit down to a "real meal". The RD at the hospital told her to eat 3 small meals a day and then supplement with 3 cans- one after each "meal". So she tried to eat a full bowl of cereal, or my size portion of chicken pie and of course got very frustrated when she could only take 4 or 5 bites. And, as you all can relate, she had no desire for the food, it has very little flavor. And of course, she wants her tube out for the summer! We sat for a long time yesterday and I told her to start this week with a 1/4c. of cereal or whatever, but the deal is that she had to finish it! Then she can gradually increase the amount, and if she sees progress maybe that will help her mindset.
Ughhh! I feel like I'm working blind here. I DON"T know how it is-because I haven't been through it. I was fully expecting "the crash" at some point- but I think this is the worst I've seen her. I was very honest and told her that I think she is suffering from some depression as well- understandably- and she should consider discussing this with her docs.
Sorry to ramble-just venting at my own frustration for being able to do so little!
As always- any suggestions welcome....

Liz

Liz- Try to remind her of the good news. Negative nodes are a big thing to celebrate. Many are not so lucky-even though I'm sure she doesn't feel lucky right now. It is so soon in her healing process. She needs to give herself a break. The calmer she can stay now, the better for her in the long run. And it will be awhile for recovery. Maybe it would help her to read survivor stories on this site as they can be inspirational.
Sue

Liz,

I don't have any advice, but I did want to say what I'm sure has been said before...she's quite lucky to have a friend like you. May her frustration be brief and her progress rapid.

Liz,

Just looking at the hisotry you have for Mary as part of your signature, it occurs to me that she is creeping up on a year anniversary of her diagnosis and those anniversary dates tend to sometimes be hard when one is still struggling--especially if you aren't anywhere near where you thought you would be the year before. It doesn't matter that where you thought you would be might have been quite unrealistic-or if you aren't there because of new medical developments you didn't know about a year ago, there's just still that sense of not being able to meet a goal of recovery that can be very discouraging.

Many people here are lucky enough that within their first year anniversary they are doing pretty well in terms of recovery but some people (and I was one for several reasons, especially that I was fighting two cancers at once) are not. Anyway, I think you used good pscyhology to set something up where she can see progress from day to day. I agree with the comment above that she is really blessed to have a friend like you in her corner.

Nelie

Liz,

Please remind her that EVERYONE goes through the eating problems she is experiencing and it is very frustrating but please let her know that this is only temporary. Things will improve but it will take many many months of small usually unnoticeable changes. I didn't have any surgery and it took me 16 months post Tx before I said I was satisfied so tell her it just won't make things any better if she beats herself up for not improving any faster than nobody does.

I didn't notice any improvement until my 4th month post. This is not like recovering from a bad cold but in her life's timetable this is a mere bump in the road.

If the the politically correct approach doesn't work then put your mean nurse hat on and slap her around a bit.

Good answer david. LOL slap her good huh? I think we were lucky by not going thru any self torment stage. I have never looked back except for trying to remember what real food might taste like. LOL

That's one of the great benefits of this site. You can find out that you're reacting or recovering, etc normally so you're not left to wonder all sorts of needless problems. I've said it many times before that the mental aspect of our cancer and probably all cancers, is at least 50% of the battle and most of the time we beat our selves up for nothing.

There is a BIG difference between depression and sadness or grief. Oh them blues...so many many different shades. Will the light ever return? Who can show us? And yet all of us find the light in so many many shades.
witnessing with compassion
sending my light

Once again I thank you all for your input. She seems to be doing a little better with the "specific amounts" of food to eat.
I know from reading posts on this site that all of this is pretty normal. Unfortunately she won't visit this site because she says she will be overwhelmed with the information-so I try to pass on all that is relevant to her situation.
Like Nelie, Mary is having issues with esophageal strictures-we are hoping that the dilation will work, but it is "wait and see".
Hard to believe it has been a year next month.....
David, I keep using you as an example, she always asks "how is that guy that is riding his bike again?, He can eat pizza, right? " Thought you might enjoy knowing she is trying to beat ya....LOL :~)

Liz

My wish one day is that I'm the worst example of recovery so I hope she beats the hell out of me ...except on my bike. I hate most when I'm beat by a female. Go ahead take shots at me but I'm just a typically abnormal male.