My mom is weaker and sicker each day. A morphine patch is helping, but not taking away the pain. The doc guesses she has 2-4 months left; the Hospice nurse thinks it's going more quickly than that. Every day there's a new problem.

There's one thought I can't get away from but have been afraid to ask anyone: Since she has requested that no lifesaving measures be taken, does there ever come a time that we stop giving her nutrition through the PEG? Would that be the same as starving her? Is it true that at some point we're feeding the cancer and not the person? I'm not suggesting that we help her death along, but aren't we keeping her alive by artificial means? If this is too complicated of an issue, or something that shouldn't be discussed here, please e-mail me. The address is on my profile page.

Hi there

when Rob was in the hospice,he wasn't forced to take any nutrition unless he wanted too.The thinking was that there was no point in forcing him because it wouldn't make any difference.

On the day he started the sedation medication they stopped his nutrition because they said it would hinder the effect of the medication.

I think the rule of thumb would be that until someone actually tells you to stop you must continue to feed her as much as she can tolerate although the amount isn't that important now,if she doesn't want it don't force her but yes it would be the same as starving her.

Basic nutrition is not keeping her alive by artificial means,and
no it is not feeding the cancer.

This is a very delicate area but my advice would be to let the medical staff make these decisions and follow their instructions to the letter.Becoming proactive when you are so emotionally involved can only lead to more problems than you need right now.
I know how hard it is but you can do it,and you will find it easier to live with when it is all over

HI!
I just wrote a long post to your question,but somehow lost it when trying to submit--I reckon it was Liz' fault because I was just going to give her a 'glowing' report when I hit the sumit button--and here she is with her wisdom--I reckon that lady is an angel
Will try again tomorrow, you take care,
Brenda

Overseasdaughter: From a palliative point of view I think to feed and hydrate through the PEG tube for the patients comfort is o.k. If the patient declines feeding, they should be able to do so. I found that most patients have very little if any appetite as they near the end of life. Also tube feeding seems to cause increased mucous production although I don't know why. My husband just died last month with a PEG tube insitu and I fed him until 2 days before he died, although at a reduced amount, and gave extra water to keep him hydrated. My rational for doing that was to keep his stength up enough that he would be able to get to the bathroom or to a chair to change his position and to help maintain bowel function. He made his last walk to the bathroom 12 hrs. before he died. This made his care needs easier to manage as well. You could, and probably do use, the PEG tube for administering medications. If your Mom is still in pain with the Morphine patch she should also be receiving breakthrough doses of analgesic every 2 hours until she is pain free. Keep track of how many breakthrough doses are needed in 24 hours and let the Dr. know so that the patch dose can be increased. There should be no excuse for a patient to be in pain if they are properly medicated and it sounds like you have hospice involved already so make sure they get on top of the pain quickly. Hope that little bit of info is helpful for you.

Please look up Gary's email on his profile and talk with him. He has hospice training, and I think that he will have valuable insights.

I can tell you from personal experience that most people dying from cancer reach a state where they can't eat and are not hungry either. Sometimes this is a result of Cachexia ("wasting" disease). Doctors tend to be overly optomistic - I would take the people in hospice advice more seriously. However I would call them on the pain management issue. Your mother should not have to suffer. There are stronger drugs than morphine (like Fentanyl).

There has been a few here who deliberately witheld nutrition to spare their family. These decisions were carefully discussed in advance and mutually agreed on. None of them witheld hydration.

The evening my mother passed, she had a good dinner and a few laughs. But when it was her time that nite, she just passed without pain. The last thing she said was,, I'm not going until all of my kids are here. She held on until my oldest brother came and said a prayer for her, Then she passed. So I would day we never really know when it's over until it happens.

Have you tried the site Cancerbackup?
It has an excellent section on 'Dying with Cancer' which I found extremely comforting to read.
I've often wondered if a separate section for people living with/caring for someone with a terminal condition.
It crosses all the other categories yet there's a different element to the concept of fighting when you know life is NOT going to go on--we haven't kicked cancer's butt.
My fight at the moment is to try and keep the people around me cheerful, keep my practcal affairs in order and making sure all my loved ones know how much I love them and have appreciated all their support and care--BEFORE I even had cancer.
I try to fight that feeling/knowledge that I brought it on myself and didn't deserve to win the battle/war or however each individual sees their illness.
I hate the words, in the obituaries which say 'lost the battle after a fight bravely borne'. Huh, these dead people losers then?
No wonder caregivers go through the 'guilt trip'--'Okay, yes, my mum/dad/partner etc. just gave in' or 'If only he/she had done what I said'
I guess it's like everything else in life--it's different for everyone.
As far as the practicalities/emotions are concerned, Liz and Amy have given me so much valuable information, their experience with Hospice Services both in, and out of, care that I feel more confident and comforted because of their phone calls/journals.
Wally's wife has also just documented, bravely, her experience at the end of Wally's life.

I hope you can find knowledge, peace and comfort on here and work out what is best for YOUR family. Have you in my thoughts, let us know how things progress--and you can email me any time you want,

Brenda x

sounds like my mom, we were all there with her, i dont know if she knew she was going to go .. i dont think so, she told us to go home, but she lasted until my aunt arrived from Vancouver..

Herson,, it sure does sound like my moms passing. At least she was peaceful when she took her last breath. We are never really ready for it and know that it is coming.