I found out that I was cancer free 10 weeks ago. I should be on top of the world but I'm not. I had 2 mouth surgeries and a neck dissection. I did not have to have chemo or radiation. As far as cancer goes, I was lucky.
I have tried to throw myself back into my life and put the cancer behind me. It just isnt working. I have this overwhelming fear that the cancer will come back. I am constantly online looking up my type of cancer. I am obsessed with looking in my mouth for new spots.
My friends and family think I am crazy. To them, everything is back to normal. To me, my nightmare has just begun. I think that when I was going through the surgeries, I was focused on my recovery. Now, I have this fear that if this cancer doesnt come back, another one will. I dont see myself growing old. I feel like I will be lucky if I see my 8 year old graduate from high school.
Is this normal? Will these feelings ever go away? Does anyone else feel this way?

Absolutely normal, Mellay. I was exactly the same and very surprised by it. I had expected it to be like a normal illness where you finish your treatment, get better and forget it. Not with cancer.

You will find that the obsession with cancer on the web etc will decrease but maybe it never goes away? I don't know, I'm two years out and I'm still looking! My gp prescribed a mild anti-depressant and I found that helped.

It is an aspect of cancer which is not appreciated until we have walked the path. Maybe you'd find a cancer support group helpful. Many large cancer centres focus on Living with Cancer.

Love from Helen

Mellay, while I did not personally experience it, I have read that it is very common to have a kind of separation anxiety when treatment stops, as if you are no longer being proactive and giving the cancer a chance to reassert itself. Logically, this makes no sense, of course, but the fear is real. I would recommend a support group, or individual counseling. Many people here have used anti-anxiety meds to help them through. There is help available, and you are not crazy. But congratulations on your good results!

I am sure that someone who has been in the same place you are will respond with helpful advice.

Know that this, too, shall pass.

Hi, Mellay. This is coming from a caregiver.I can only share your experience vicariously because my John has "the Cancer". But I know that now that this has become part of our lives, and the people on this forum have become part of my family, I will be involved with cancer support groups and proactive about learning more about cancer for the rest of my days. Maybe if you can realign your attitude to something like "well, I never had a baby before-but here this one is- and I guess I better learn all I can about living with him\her, cause I'm gonna be doing it for a long time " Remember you are a survivor! Amy

Mellay,
I went through the same phase you are going through now. I had a 9,11 and 13 year old still at home and my life was consumed with fear and fear and more fear. I was so certain I was going to die that I couldn't stay in a room with my husband and all the girls, I would start crying thinking of them without me. I spent ALL my time online, looking up all the horrible, scary statistics and info concerning our type of cancer. I had this constant feeling of homesickness, like I was missing something so horribly and it made me so depressed. I finally figured out that I was missing ME, the ME before cancer. The life I had before my life was threatened and my certainty of reaching the age of 80 was shaken to the core. It was a long process but I slowly said goodbye to the old me and embraced the new me and my new life. Allow yourself to grieve and know it's a very natural process.
Minnie

Mellay,

I think it's not unusual when you're still this close to the time of your treatment to be extremely sensitive (maybe to the point of obsession) about possible warning signs. However, with the passage of time (and hopefully some all-clear checkups along the way), I think you will start to see this feeling subside a bit and give way to just a common-sense level of vigilance.

I remember being with my whole extended family during the first Christmas season after my treatment, and looking around wondering if it would be my last Christmas like that. However, as the years have gone by with many more family gatherings, I've realized that cancer was a reminder of my mortality, but it may not ultimately be what "gets me" -- it could be a heart attack, a car accident or something else entirely.

I also understand your feelings about wanting to see your 8-year-old graduate. Right after I finished my surgery, while I was waiting to start radiation, one of my nephews was born and his parents named me as his godmother. I took that as a sign of their faith that I would be around for some time to come. Just a couple of weeks ago, I received an e-mail from his parents asking if he can stay with us for a few days while he visits some colleges in our area that he may want to apply to (yes -- that much time has passed).

Wishing you many years of health,

Cathy

Thank you for your feedback. When I read what others on this site have been through, I feel silly for feeling this way. It could have been so much worse! It is nice to be able to come to a place where people understand what I am going through.

I understand you completely. All of us "C" people do. I am in treatment and I worry if its working and if they will get it all and if it will come back if they do get it all. Not a wonderful trip is it?

I am looking for some support for that. My treatment center has a Social Worker who can discuss these things with me and a community close by has a Wellness Center that has many ways and means of helping the stress and worry.

Speaking with a Pastor helps. Having a good friend who you can confide in, even if they don't understand, helps also. At least you get tons of hugs and no weird looks or "can't you just get on with your life" attitudes.

Keep posting and we will all keep talking. I need to thats for sure. Most of us do and probably all of us do.

Bless you and my God give you peace,
barbara~