Hullo, I wrote last month about a close friend who is diagnosed with squamous cell anaplastic tonsillar. After a small opereation in September he started radiotherapy last week. Cancer is in two lymph nodes so he'll be treated on both sides. I have two questions and welcome any views:
First - I've only seen the word anaplastic in connection with thyroid..has anyone had a similar diagnosis?
Second - we speak on messenger on an on-going basis ..for the most part we aren't talking of illness and go on making puns and being rude to each other.. I've offered all support and I mean it - he's very independant and isn't going to accept help willingly - I've offered to drive him to hospital if he gets too tired - which has only made him cross! Shall I leave it to him to ask if he wants any help?
Thank you for all your info and stories
small minnow in london

Hi,
I am not familiar with the term anplastic, so will leave that to a more knowledgeable member. I can relate to your 2nd concern about when/how to offer help. It sounds like you are doing exactly whatyou should~being a good, supportive friend. People react differently to a cancer diagnosis & it sounds like your friend is trying to maintain his independence which also means control. That's his way of coping right now & that is fine, he may need you more in the future when he starts to feel bad. Maybe just take your leads from your friend. Ask briefly about the cancer & determine from his reponse how far to go; invite him to dinner~eating may soon become a chore. For right now, just keeping in touch with him may be what he wants & needs. When my husband was 1st diagnosed, he carried pictures of our recent honeymoon with him so he would have something besides the cancer to talk about with people! That was his way of maintaining a sense of normalcy in the midst of chaos. Good luck & you sound like a good friend!

Small minnow, welcome to the site. Sorry you had to find us. Your friend will begin having more problems as treatment continues. I started needing help the last week of treatment and the first few after rad was complete. So you might offer help after a few weeks and periodically from there on out. Sometimes us guys can be pretty stubborn about asking or accepting help. So hang in there with him.

Hi Small Minnow,

Speaking as a former patient, I was CROSS alot. If I did not want to talk about it then I wouldn't. That is until I really began to understand what my caregiver was being put through because of my obstinance and her fears and concerns about what was going on.

You are being a wonderful friend and I think that the fact that you are there for your friend means more to him than you know at the present time. Keep up with the "court jesting" and other normal things that you do with him. I would think he will talk to you about what is happening when it is right for him. Good Luck to Your Friend and to You.

Peace
Jack
..........
Dx 1/15/97 SCC rt. tonsil met to rt lymph node Stg IV,
Srgry 1/23/97 tonsillectomy & mod radical neck dissection,
Radiation 35 trtmnts both sides

Small Minnow,

I also can't offer much on the use of "anaplastic" -- hopefully someone can chime in on that who knows more.

Regarding your efforts to be available to your friend, I think you're doing the right thing. If he's still in the early stages of radiation, he's probably not feeling too badly -- yet! I know at that point I was trying to prove to everyone around me that I could handle it without any help or accommodations from anyone. I'd suggest that you continue to check with him from time to time, because as the effects start to kick in, he may find that he's eventually more willing to accept your help.

Cathy

Small Minnow,

Faced with adversity, one can choose to laugh or to cry. At first, I laughed to build up a wall to disguise my true emotions (fear). After a while, I used humor as a way to let people know it was OK to ask questions (about feeding tubes, surgery, scars, dramatic weight loss, whatever). Now, I choose to laugh as often as I can because it is better than the alternative.

As for your friend's reluctance to accept help, maybe he isn't ready to accept the fact that he needs it. I agree with others who've said that the best thing to do is let him know that you are willing.

I remember being surprised and humbled at the number of people who offered to drive me to radiation treatments or outpatient surgeries while my wife was at work. At first I said no. Then I allowed myself to say yes.

I will never forget their kindness. Hang in there...

Ken

Small Minnow,

Sorry, I don't have an answer for your anaplastic question but your friend is so fortunate to have such an awesome friend like you. He is trying hard to deal with his cancer a little bit at a time and you are surely giving him that outlet. As he processes more and accepts it and starts feeling worse, he will have someone right there to help in any way he asks. Let him ask and please do not take it personally when he bites back or you feel he is attacking you. Be thankful he trusts you enough when that happens. I think we all went through that because this disease just changes so much in such a short time.

Go with your heart...it will never let you down!

Ed