Michelle, Yes it is OK for you to be angry with your husband now. The hardest part of his battle, assuming he doesn't get a recurrence, is done and though he may feel tired and not like dealing with whatever issues were there for the two of you beforehand, he can do it and is more likely to try if you make clear what it is costing your lreationship for you to hold things in.

My marriage had a couple of issues before I got cancer, issues I didn't even know about because my husband tends to hold things in until they get huge, the cancer battle made those issues huger and so we had to go through some pretty intense couples counseling when I was toitally exhaisted from my cancer battle. But it was worthwhile. I would strongly recommend seeking either individual counseling or couples counseling if your husband will go to help you both get what you need right now.

Nelie

Thanks everyone for the support and advice. I should be truthful and let him know his "vacation status" was okay for awhile as he was recovering but it's not the best thing for us now. Maybe instead of trying to be understanding of his needs, he would feel better if I let him know I need him now. Otherwise, he might have the impression that I think the cancer will be back and that is why I am letting him do what he wants. Does this make sense? The more I think of it that way, that just might be it. Convincing him may be a different story. I appreciate y'alls input - it sure helps instead of talking it out in my own head. My thoughts and prayers to everyone.

Michele,

Yes, it is definitely OK for you to have needs, too! You and your husband are in this together. Life does go on. Someone has to pay the bills. Am in your situation myself, in MD. I've had to call my husband on taking his frustration out on me. Told him that I was sorry he had to go through it but that he didn't have a right to be mean to me, and that I would do anything to help make him better. Counselling can help, and so can behaving like there is a future for the two of you together.

This is a hard situation for both of you. No one has a future beyond today.

Good luck to you both.

Yes, it's that "live for today" thing that muddys the water.

Michele, my name is Bill and I am a cancer survivor. Oops, wrong forum. Not really though as many of the same principles apply in both situations.

If you were to read my blog you would see that for all intent and purposes my marriage was essentially dead prior to diagnosis. However, I had made the decision not more than a few weeks prior to diagnose that I was somehow going to save it. I am and will be eternally grateful that I made that decision before diagnosis which allows me to know it was not the cancer that saved our marriage.

Nothing works for everyone. Every situation is different because we as individuals are all different. For the most part I attempted to keep everything as "normal" as possible through treatment, both times. It was not easy. As Steve mentioned above, we change and I have seen in myself that I changed a lot. Being able to actually see and accept that has helped me in dealing with all that is going on.

There were, and still are, times when I just plain have to be alone. Recently as I was leaving the house to visit my brother's grave, who died from kidney cancer some nine years ago, my wife asked if I wanted some company. I emphatically replied NO. She replied that that was a fair answer and let it be. She knew I needed to be alone.

Although the frequency of them is far less than they used to be, we still have our disagreements, aka hollering sessions. Believe it or not they really do help. More than once I have used the phrase, "I am not an invalid". My life is still changing. Many things are no longer as they were before.

Because I am nearly fully dependent on my PEG for my nourishment we no longer go out for dinner. I miss the hell out of that, but accept is an part of the new "normal." Having sold my business and moved from Florida to Massachusetts, I am not "semi-retired." I want to find some kind of work but my wife insists I don't, until I am further along with healing. Not working has obviously put a financial drain on us, which in turn adds to the every day stress of how are we going to pay for this or that. The bill collectors cannot deposit a "I am recovering from cancer." I am not sure why, the fact that I am recovering is certainly of great value to me.

Separation can be good in helping to heal, but it can also be bad if it allows a crack in a relationship become a rapidly growing chasm. Somewhere there is a middle ground that works. The secret is finding it.

Rant, rave and be yourself, knowing that not only Jesse, but you also are changing. Change together. I have found that my "new" marriage is far better than the one I had before, and I am really enjoying every second of it, including the occasional spats.

If you think it would help, and not cause a problem I am even up to giving Jesse a call and sharing my experience with him. What you two are going through now, along with the baggage from prior to his diagnosis is nothing to be ashamed of.

Many, many of us go through this crap, and many, many survive. All it takes is a bit of work on both sides, and in some cases a willingness to accept the help of others that can share their experience. I have been there, twice now, have the t-shirts that say so and stand ready to help in any way I can.

Hang tough lady, and be yourself. You and Jesse will appreciate that as time goes on.

Bill

Thank you so much, Bill. I appreciate your offer, and your sharing. I think Jesse is not really seeing "what's wrong with this picture" partly because he is or at least seems to be oblivious to anything besides what affects him directly, and partly because I don't want to put any demands on him right now. But the experiences and advice everyone has shared with me have helped me sort through my anxiety, as in responses to prior posts, it is always a comfort to hear from so many caring individuals on this board who understand and have so much to offer.

I am coming to understand that while voicing expectations may create friction, that is life and living it. Not voicing them and sitting back waiting for change usually doesn't work, takes no effort, and could be construed as lack of interest. I have every hope that our relationship will get stronger, and will be working in that direction. As you all can relate, there is an underlying urgency to get things right, as if you are going to run out of time, or worse, as if you are wasting time on the bad, when everything should be good. The answer, I guess, is relishing every moment-- bad and good. That's a tall order! My hope for everyone is to find some comfort (even if it's just a smidge) in some part of every day and use it as strength to move forward. Maybe not such a tall order...

Good summation, Michele And tall order or not- that's what life is all about. Amy in the Ozarks