Hi..Just wanted to vent today...My husband is home for a few days from the lodge. He finally met up with our daughter...she was overwhelmed to see him...he had refused to allow any family member to visit him while he was sick. approx. 5 weeks...I visited him myself every other day..we are almost 3 hours away from the hospital. I on the other hand have been taking medication to survive this disease with him..but I really cant get pass the fact he would not allow our daughter who visits and goes out with him..to see him...Any suggestions...

Mom, let it go. I know that's easier said than done, but what's past is past, nothing can be done to change that.

You need to concentrate on the challenges still to come, and the future and what it holds for not only the two of you, but the family as well. Talk to the councilling staff at the hospital. They're there for you too, as well as the family.

Use them freely, and embrace what they tell you. They CAN help, and WILL help...let them

Wayne

In the end that's going to have to be between him and your daughter, you have nowhere to go in being upset with something that is now past. Caregivers need medication and most of us take it to get through this. That's an act of sanity that comes under the heading of taking care of yourself. Good for you!!!!!

There are lots of ups and downs with this disease and you will feel conflicted many times. It will get better.

Regards JoAnne

His life is out of control because of this cancer, it's been turned upside down. Loss of control like that, in particular (in my opinion)for a man is TOUGH. Let him control the things he can control. He obviously has his reasons for not wanting her to see him, reasons that he shouldn't have to explain nor feel badly about. I can just about promise you that it wasn't intended to hurt your daughter nor to cause you to have any issues. It's something he needed for himself, and given what he's gone through physically and emotionally, he deserves it.
Talk to him about it and see if his explanations can give you closure, but if not, I would suggest leaving it alone and not making it a personal issue.
Good luck,
Minnie

Hey MommaP.
You do not have a "signature" so I do not know anything about what treatments your husband went through. So I, and others are limited to an uninformed "guess" of his reasons. That said, I would say he was protecting "Daddys Little Girl" from seeing him like ??????. Another observation is that YOU were the only one allowed to see him. This was not directed at your daughter, as HE DID NOT WANT ANY FAMILY TO SEE HIM. He seems MORE worried about others than himself. To me, that shows he is a warm and caring person. I hate it when people come to see you in the hospital and they are like, OH MY GOD!!! GRANTED THIS IS A DEADLY DISEASE, BUT THE MACHINES, DRAINS AND TUBES MAKE A PATIENT LOOK LIKE A REAL HORROR SHOW. I think he is trying to spare everyone a from a traumatical experiance. Also, driving 6 hours just makes you think of all the negatives. It is not good to drive in an "upset" condition. Also. you did not mention anything about a telephone. Like the others have said. Let it go. I am thinking of doing the same thing. NO VISITORS. But I would love to "HEAR" from you! Sincerely, Petey

Everyone needs to feel in control, no matter how small or large the issue and we all have a right to our own feelings without anyone telling us we shouldn't feel a certain way or having to explain why. I agree with Minnie in that for me, it really seems like it has got to be a lot more difficult for a man to be faced with losing control over something he previously had complete control over. Others have made such excellent suggestions above. Rather than think about what's done, maybe you can find ways to help your husband feel in control of some things, no matter how small. For example, when my son was at his most difficult time, and we were making daily trips for Rad Tx, I would always ask if he wanted to drive and most of the time he said "no" but there were times when he did say "yes" and I think it helped him feel in control just having the choice. Being able to be in control of some things gives you hope that there is a "new normal" coming soon. Your daughter could probably use some help realizing that your husband's reaction has nothing to do with how much he loves her and that we all react differently to life changing events.(His reaction may in fact have been because he does love her and didn't want to cause her pain or sadness) It is good that you are taking care of yourself, too. I think caregivers go thru some of the same "loss of control" feelings. I know that it helped me to concentrate on the things that I could do something about rather than stress over those I couldn't. Things do get better not only for the survivor but everyone else concerned.

Thank you for all your replies...I will take heed..and let it go...He was sparing her the grief of seeing him..but also..we became so upset with it..I needed medication to help me get through this..I also think she did too...now things are OK..she visits every day he is here...and the bond is back...he starts his 5th week of treatment...and hopefully will be back home on the farm...thanks again...

Thanks Pete..but maybe think again..about the NO VISITORS...

As always, each of is different and can not dictate what might be right for someone else. I felt that for myself, it was important to BE seen by my family......to get on with accepting the "new normal"...to talk about it....and to get over feeling self-conscious. I did draw the line at my small grandchildren. I felt that I was simply tootoo scary-looking!

It's very hard to look at a perspective through someones else's eyes. Mind reading and assumptions are dangerous practices in a relationship. Find the right time, use "I" statements and ask him to share his feelings about his entire experience.

It may be entirely different from your perspective. He may have wanted to protect and insulate the rest of the family until he felt like he had some control back in his life. Maybe he didn't want to pass the fear he was feeling.

Conversely some of my friends couldn't bear to watch what I was going through and distanced themselves from me. Seeing your own mortality can be very difficult. I was a cargeiver for my father during the terminal phase of his non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, and I can tell you it was very depressing. I saw myself in that bed, at 65 lbs, every time I looked at him. And then to look at myself in the mirror at 109 lbs, well you get the picture (thinking to myself is this all there is - is this how it really ends?!?!). I wasn't well enough to have visitors for quite a while and I was real handful for my wife.

Maybe its not about you...