One problem we have often had with my husband is that when I want to talk bout big issues, he is thinking about the small, day to day or minute-to-minute problems, and when he is ready to discuss life philosophies, I can only think about how to deal with the mucous in my throat right now.
Maybe if Harry could concentrate on controlling the few small things that he can control right now, the long-term big issues would be easier to deal with, or not deal with, at the moment.
I am really saying the same thing as Sue in the previous message: this may be the best he can do now. I know it is hard for you, pessimism is contagious.
All the best - Leena

The loss of control is a real issue, and a reality that religious or not, is often shocking to those who encounter it head on. In my own experience it was one of the many things that I mourned as a loss. That transition took me through loss, anger, frustration, and finally acceptance. This path has been reiterated to me by individuals on both sides of the religion issue so it seems a universal experience. Whether you believe that things are preordained by a God, or you believe that we are froth on the wake of life, control would appear to be an illusion in either regard. In either perspective it is nothing more than castles built on sand. Acceptance of life's nature, whether from a spiritual perspective or existential perspective, is what allows balance in dealing with the ever-changing nature of our existence.

Brian,
That was exactly what I needed to hear. I think you are correct and the most difficult lesson is that I never really had the control I thought I did and neither did Harry. We are dealing with that harsh reality in very different ways.

I have always somehow believed that I was in control of my life... all of the things that come in and go out... but the one thing that any major illness can teach you is that control is an illusion that we create for ourselves so that we can maintain some level of order in our lives. At least it is for me.

Now we struggle together and apart to cope and understand what is, what was, what might be, and to what extent we can control any of it.

I think that the idea of control goes to the heart of any faith be it God or anything else. Even sometimes love between 2 people.

I know that in time we will learn and grow and I am really hoping that in a year or two I will be able to speak of the wonders of our lives such as those who help people like me do now.

I can never express in words how eternally grateful I am that you created this place. I am sure that you do know that but it can never be said enough.

With Love,
Cindy

I like this thread, because there are so many ways to view life, approach life, live life & I for one have a better life value since cancer. I do remember fighting completely everthing I could through treatment just to have some false sense of control. It got me through, good or bad. I do hope Harry can find some peace once in awhile for his & your own sake & like others have said the worst will become better & life will again have some sense of normalcy.

I like this thread too. And I too believe there are so many ways to view life. There is a wonderful philosophical piece on living life after cancer written by Brian Hill. I'll see if I can find it & post the url here. - Candace

I'd like to recommend a book that has been helpful to me: "The Five Things We Cannot Change and the Happiness We Find By Embracing Them" by David Richo. He does draw upon spiritual teachings for resources, models, and inspiration.

I am always nervous if someone thinks I have said something profound...usually it's something profane and they have just used the wrong word to describe it!! But now my interest is up. What could I have said that you remember almost a year later.... if you find the URL send it to me please.

Brian: I don't have the URL but I do have the date. It was posted on 19 July 2004 and I emailed it to my brother because he was so angry & depressed about his life after cancer. One of the statements I particularly liked is "Once people have gotten through treatment, they can only be victims if they choose to allow it. Everything that I was doing before I saw the light, was self-destructive and counter productive to getting on with my new life. My different life, my life with limitations, my imperfect situation." I am hoping my brother reaches that realization. It was a very good, helpful article.

Rock on you guys!! I'm so impressed that I was dead wrong on this one.
I agree, this thread is enjoyable.
Minnie

My own take is that the danger zones are the extremes. If we think we are in control, we are in for a surprise when life goes a different way than we were planning. But it is awfully hard to function in complete chaos. I worked with a hospice patient once who told me that, when he looked back at his life, seemingly random things seemed to be part of an unfolding pattern. There are times when we may not be able to see two feet in front of us, but I think it still helps if we try to find our center and stay balanced.

Lawrence