Just wanted to get some sort of ideas as to how some of you balanced your work and other everyday activities with your loved ones cancer treatment. We really can't afford for me not to work during all of this and the place where Steve and I work is about 60 miles from the cancer treatment center. We are in a real dilema. The cancer center is giving us a fully furnished apartment across the street from the hospital but I am not willing to let Steve stay there alone. So I will make the long commute everyday if I have to. Do you think he will be strong enough to walk across the street following treatment especially after treatments progress? It's so hard because I want to be with him every waking moment just in case he needs me, but reallistically I can't be. We still need to earn a living. Just wondered how some of you balanced your lives during treatment.

Michelle

Hi Michelle,
I too am in the position of having to continue working during Jack's treatments and it's very hard to balance caregiver and wage earner responsibilities.
You cannot be there for him every waking moment and I totally understand that feeling because I felt the same way in the beginning. Trust me when I tell you it doesn't work. "Taking care of yourself" is different for each of us but I strongly suggest that you consider anti-anxiety medication to help you get through this. Zoloft and Lexapro are good choices. The first thing that we lose with the cancer diagnosis is our perspective and medication helps you stay focused - takes the edge off.
If there is any flexibility in your job you can arrange time off around doctors appointments etc. I took off on the days he was getting chemo so I could be with him, but organized a group of our friends to rotate driving/staying with him for the daily radiation.
Pretty much anyone who asked me "what can I do to help" got assigned something so I could continue working. Let people help you and don't expect that you'll be able to do everything yourself.
I know it's hard if he's away from home in the apartment but you may not be able to go there every night. Do you have friends or family who could take turns - if your husband even wants that. What are his preferences on this because you do need to consider that so your decisions are made as a couple. He may prefer to just sleep after treatments, Jack did that a lot.
Side effects vary and probably won't kick in for a few weeks so you don't have to hover over him. In fact, that made Jack more anxious when I did. Some things you just need to let go and hold the hovering for when he really does need it.
Steve should be well enough to walk across the street to the apartment after treatments. He's not driving himself - although people do that too.
Have you seen the getting through it posts on the forum? There's some great suggestions on what I wish I had known.
Keep reading and hange in there.
Regards JoAnne

Michelle -

I think it is terrific that the Cancer center is providing you with a furnished apartment across the street. With a 120 mile round trip for the daily treatments - this is a blessing. Kenny had a tough time with nausea during his treatments and riding in the car just made things worse.

I am the primary bread winner in our family and taking a family medical leave simply was not possible for me either. There are a couple things that you might consider ...

1. Don't short-change yourself because you have to go to work. In my case, I kept the bills paid plus maintain the health insurance -- critical items. That's a very important job and has a lot to do with surviving cancer. By bringing in the paycheck, you are (I am sure) relieving some major stress for your husband.

2. Ask that any appointments where the doctor will be visiting with your husband regarding his status be made at convenient times for you -- maybe early morning, or late in the afternoon. The RO met with Kenny once a week, so I tried to be at that appointment. Then Kenny didn't have to worry about remembering to ask specific questions ... I took care of keeping the notes, etc.

2b. If you can't make it to an appointment with the docs, then ask for a follow-up call -- or even ask if they can put you on speaker phone during the visit.

3. Ask about adjusting your hours (if possible) so you can work on a weekend, but take time off during the week. I was able to take work with me to the appointments (it is amazing how productive I could be in the waiting rooms!). I was also able to take advantage of Kenny's sister coming over on the weekend to stay with him, while I was at the office. It never hurts to ask.

4. Social Services -- ask to meet with the social services representative at the hospital. There could be additional help in your area that you aren't aware of. For example, having someone come mow your lawn. It's a simple, silly thing - but it was so nice to not have to worry about things like that.

The toughest time Kenny had was after the treatments were completed. While he had some complications during treatment, he felt his absolute worse the 2 - 3 months after treatment was completed. Keep this in mind and try to save up any vacation or personal days you have for then. You'll both need them.

And to echo JoAnne -- take care of yourself too. You can NOT do it all -- no one can. Just do what you HAVE to do today. That's it. Don't worry about tomorrow -- just today. Think of it as 'eating an elephant one bite at a time'.

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way --
Carol

Hi Michelle, you have gotten some great advice above. I just want to EMPHASIZE that taking care of yourself is gonna be really important to both of you over the long haul. I have been in contact with several of the caregivers on this forum and we all have admitted that there were times where we didn't think we could make it one more day-but you do. I wonder if there are 1 or 2 people in the apt bldg. that Steve could form a "buddy system" with, so that they could check on each other in the evening. Or share phone #'s for emergencies, etc. Please drop the idea of driving back and forth each day-you will be exhausted.[ and Steve will also hae to worry about you] By the way, Jonna's husband and mine felt alike during the rad. tx's about being "hovered over" My husband just wanted to be left alone to sleep. Can you arrange to be with him on weekends? We are pulling for you to get this worked out and stay healthy at the same time. Amy

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately it is just Steve and I out here. We moved here last year from the east coast and are 3000 miles away from our family a friends. I do plan on driving everyday which is something I'm used to having lived in the DC area for some time. I know people that I work with that live around there and drive in everyday, so that's not a big deal. The big deal to me is the thought of leaving him alone so much of the time. My husband and I are both aerospace engineers for the same company so they have been very helpful and supportive to the extent they are able. There is the possibility of going part time for a couple of weeks as long as we can afford it. Luckily my husband gets full pay while he is out and I am on FMLA so I get paid for the hours that I work while on it and can not get fired. I was just thinking how aweful it will be for him though, being alone so much. Maybe you're right though, Amy, in that he can meet people at the place we will be staying at. That would definitely make me feel better. I think the hardest thing about this is that we just don't know what to expect, which was the same way we felt before the surgery. It's good to read about everyone's experiences, but everyone seems to react differently to treatment. Just like with the surgery, I read where some people took a long time to be up and about where as others were up with in a week or two eating solid foods. We were fortunate that my husband is so young and in good shape (and health up until the cancer) so he was able to recover very quickly and is almost back to full health in only 3 weeks. So I guess it's just a waiting game. I guess it's just like everyone says on this site, we just have to take it one day at a time. By the way Carol, thank you so much for your wonderful solution of working on weekends. For some reason that never occured to me. By doing so, I can avoid driving through crazy LA rush hour 2 times a week and be with him at the appointments that are most important.

Michelle

Michelle - if you two are aerospace engineers, then you are both independent and capable people. One time I was in the hospital and my husband "hovered" 24/7 - it drove me nuts. My son went every day to rad by himself and drove himself home. Your man isn't going to be an invalid over this. He'll be fine - you go to work and bring home the "bread." You're going to need it. We are 15 min. from hospital and cancer center. We have done so much for son and his family, I can't imagine how they would have done it without us - of course, you have to. Any chance his folks could come out for a couple of weeks, or would it make matters worse?

My son just had neck surgery last Friday. He came home Wednesday and starting eating solids immediately. (In the hospital) He was in ICU for 2 days. He had rad/chemo in May/June. It got really brutal about the middle of treatment but he kept going, no stopping. They took his stomach tube out Tuesday (boy, was he glad). His doc (ENT - H/N surgeon) explained to us that they used to do surgery first, then c/rad; then they switched it to c/rad and then surgery. Different places, different procedure.

His surgery revealed 17 nodes checked, one (the original lump) still had cancer. We are hopeful that since the others came clean, that getting the one swollen node means good news. Guess we'll live under a cloud for 3-5 years. Doctor says: this is it. No more treatment, no more chemo - nothing. I was surprised. Any input on this, anyone?

Michelle, I am sorry you young folks have to go through this. I am at a loss to wonder why there is so much cancer - something is going on. What is it? Many people have written on this board that they have never used tobacco or drank excessively. So, that leaves us with the food we eat, I guess. I am running cold water over all fruits and vegetables for a long time, not just a swish. Who knows?

This is not going to be pretty, but you'll get through it and what a lucky guy to have you and the other wonderful caregivers on this board. Collie

Michelle, friends of ours went through a serious cancer last year and had to be apart because the treatment center was in another state. Dave lived in a similar housing arrangement as they offering Steve and he told us everyone becomes a big family in there. People are going for daily treatments, dealing with side effects, fears, and many are away from their family. It's a natural bonding experience. Also a lot of patients just want to sleep so it may not be what you're imagining. Pick what you can do and don't expect you can do it all. It's a long haul and you need to pace yourself for the recovery period after this part ends.
Regards JoAnne

Michelle,

It's hard to know in advance how he will react to the treatment. I think it's good that he'll be close to the treatment center, and if he needs the time to rest, he should have it. However, if it turns out that he's awake for much of the day and trying to keep his mind from being preoccupied with cancer, he may need to think about how best to do that.

While I had a rough time with the latter part of radiation (and beyond), one of the reasons I kept working as much as I could was because it kept many of my waking hours spent on activities that seemed "normal" and helped to divert my attention from the illness I didn't want to think about.

I guess what I'm saying is that if he needs to interact with people and have the opportunity to stay involved with some of his regular routine, he should have the flexibility to do that.

Cathy