Hi All:

I just want to check in from Texas where I am here this week doing doctoral work and hopefully will catch up with Danny and Dinah in the process. As the moderator of this area of the forum, I thank Brian for his willingness to monitor and respond in my absence. But,in my hovering way (I share this with Dee), I felt the need to see what is up while I am away. While reading the posts here with a fresh eye, it strikes me that Mandi,your pain is palpable and your emotional needs may feel both paramount and simultaneously ignored. Having walked this walk of self-doubt, anger, and a major yearning for a huge pity party, I empathize with your place and your pain.I urge you to reframe feeling admonished into feeling accepted here at the very place you are right now however sleep deprived and awful you may feel.I believe the person feeling admonished is you...but you can't take on cancer so it's safer to take on fellow forum members. The bottom line is that emotional turmoil can be ugly but the outcome of the struggle can be pretty over time and with good support. I hope you trust you are among friends here.

Kim

Once again, my words have been taken wrong.

Yes, I honestly feel that I have to weigh everything that I say here. Case in point....you obviously took offense at what I meant as a compliment. I have honest admiration for the courage all of you cancer survivors have. I never meant it sarcastically, or to seem belittling. I marvel at all of you. Sometimes I'm not as strong, and only wished to share that.

Brian, I didn't mean that you admonished me personally. It is only my, apparently, stupid intuition that makes me feel guarded in what I say. I only meant to thank you for giving another avenue on the board that might be more emotionally theraputic for me. It was in no way meant to be an attack. My point was that I don't always feel comfortable here sharing what is important to me, and I feel my words are dissected.

And the point that this is an open forum, but I'm publicly advised not to respond to your post? Why can't I defend myself? Is this to honestly make me feel better. I feel like a child who has had their hand slapped for not following the invisable rules.

My original post was one asking a very specific question....one that was turned into fear transference? How does that in any way explain what makes a throat unresectable? I did not turn this thread into an emotional issue.

I will gracefully bow out now, and promise never to grace your screen again. I do hope you will allow me to read along though. I'm sorry, but I have enough drama in my life without all this.

Mandi

mandi, you sound exactly like me last year, I took offense at so much that was said to me. i quit the Board on more than one occasion. i thought everything I said was taken wrong. Frank`s problems have been overwhelming and to this day I will stay away from the Board if too much whining about minor issues is going on........your reaction to all this is perfectly normal.......we deal with overwhelming anger, that i think we use as protection against terrible hurt that we are feeling. In the past 2 years I`ve even told one of our doc, my favorite one, to go **** himself, because he didn`t understand, fortunately he forgave me....for a long time I personally picked fights with people, I`ve personally alienated Franks family. And i still like to torment people, that`s not nice, but makes me feel better. We`re all scared and cope in different ways, I understand your confusion and what some perseive as easily hurt feelings...........I have been there and still visit at times. I`m still a timebomb waiting to explode, on very short notice. The personal pain we all deal with, is just that personal, but we do understand and want you to hang with us !!!! Dee