JoAnne,
Glad to hear Jack is doing so well.
I guess I am where you were a year ago-it's hit me very hard tonight. I posted earlier under caregiver....just ramblings
I'm just very frightened and feeling useless

Donnarose,
I've been reading your posts and I really feel for you. A few 'thoughts'--if anyone had a recipe for 'perfect mother', 'perfect child' etc. they would be millionnaires and we'd ALL be fine!
I cared for my disabled dad whilst mum was in hospital dying and got so frustrated at taking him all the time, then on my 'night off', stupid sister would roll up at hospital with 6 family members in tow! When dad had to be hospitalised himself, I finally drew up a rota, in writing, for visiting! To my surprise it worked, after years of being the 'only one on call'
My partner and I have already decided that when/if I can no longer go out much, visiting will be arranged through HIM and I've got friends, with offers of help lined up, for buying me books, MP3ing music, giving me lifts to treatments etc! Each has their own skill, bless em!
On the food side, dad was always a fussy eater and wasn't into much variety. I cooked up batches of tiny cottage pies with peas and froze them,ditto casseroles and occasionally a meat pie if he could manage it--all spuds mashed, bought him his favourite 'mini-trifles'--they were calories although bad for his heart, so kept his strength up, changed his milk to full-fat--not so good for his heart, but again, more calories, and let him have his tea with 3 sugars--Hydration!
Let Mom eat what she wants--the stress and stuff will be killing her appetite!
And you organise some time that's JUST for you--not for housework or practical stuff--bath, chat on phone to friend, read a book or whatever. Get the family/friends to take over for a while REGULARLY and give yourself some 'recharge' time. I know I couldn't have coped with the 3 years I looked after dad without it.
And NEVER EVER feel 'useless'--Shit happens! You can't stop it and you sound like a wonderful, caring daughter. Take care of yourself love,
Brenda

Brenda is right. You are anything but useless - scared, sure, uncertain what your role is, why not, but useless no way. Stop beating yourself up, it's a waste of energy and unwarrented by the situation.
If you haven't already done so get some Ativan for yourself to take the edge off all these raw emotions. I think you really need it right now to help you deal with this. A year ago I got some excellent advice from seasoned members to make time just for me - REGULARLY - as Brenda is suggesting. Step away from being the caregiver for an afternoon, an evening, whatever you can swing and do something for you. Screw the housework, it will still be there when you get around to it. What good is a clean organized house if you're a mess?
You must take care of yourself first in order to be a help to your Mom. You are not responsible for everything and everyone, nor can you make it go away or go right. It's an unrealistic expectation and you will quickly burn out by trying to live up to an impossible standard.
If Mom finds something she wants to eat right now, that's fine. She's under stress too, let her handle it the way she wants. The doctors are aware of her cardiac status and they'll watch it. You do not always have to be the messenger here.
Give yourself a break.
Regards JoAnne

Thanks so much Brenda. I can't imagine doing all that you had to do, and not burning out. That must have been the most heartbreaking time for you. I am sorry for your losses. I appreciate hearing about the caloric vs heart....tonight I stopped by a Wendy's-fast food-and got my mom a vanilla frosty. She devoured it and felt satisfied. It also made her smile...that was worth more than anything. Sorry about the 'useless' comment--pretty low last night, and couldn't figure out a thing to do. All this running back and forth to the city for her appts is draining for her, ZI have no idea how it will be for her come time for the radiation txs. Today was a good day. Went to meet onc dentist--what a great person she is!! and stopped by RO's office for a script for pain. He saw us, asked mom to come into exam room and examined he and took a few pics. We didn't have an appt...he always wows me. He has to be the most compassionate doctor I have ever met. I feel very good about him treating my mom.
How are you feeling? You seem like a very strong person, I have to say, I really admire your spirit!
I have to go and do some laundry-went to go for a t-shirt earlier and realized I've done everyone elses laundry but my own!
Hope you have an enjoyable night.
Donna

Thanks JoAnne!
I am taking off later this month for an overnight with Eddie--we are big parrotheads and heading to Atlantic City to see Jimmy Buffett!! Unfortunately it will probably be about the same time she'll begin her rad txs. Hoefully I'll still be able to go and enjoy myself. I could use the breather.