I'm glad you posted about a client who really touched you with compassion. Life is kind of funny that way. People you expect to step up to the plate and don't, seem to be balanced in a way by the unexpected kindness of others. After the hurtful reaction of some of my family members and a few friends, I began to become far more introverted than I usually am. A couple of clerks in the grocery store line, I had to tell them I'm a cancer patient (because I had trouble speaking) They always seem to ask me if I need help loading and always take the time to ask me how I'm doing. The Starbucks people know me from my almost daily order of frappucino's and the "load it up with maximum calories" and they always ask me how I'm doing. (I always give them a thumbs up while sucking down some calories)

Human contact is important. There's been more than one occasion where I think my motto should be like Blanche in Streetcar Named Desire "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers"

Sometimes, ya just gotta take your lovin' from the people who are willing to give it and ignore those who seem to have small hearts.

Jen (giving you the thumbs up sign)

Gordon that is a very touching moment. Brings to mind all that is good.

I had a similar moment when, shortly after my treatments ended, the wife of a business customer (whom I had never met before) stepped forward and gave me a big hug. Because I was in their office, on business, it caught me completely off guard, but was a huge moment of shared compassion at a time when I really needed it.

Oh crap now my eyes are welling up.....

Thanks

Gordon,

When I returned to work after my treatment was over, my lower lip was still paralyzed and my speech was still mushy. I work as a consultant to dental practices and my job is to speak all day. I knew I didn't look my best and I certainly didn't sound my best but most of the offices I went into said "you look great -- you'd never know" or "you sound great -- you can't tell at all" which kind of made me angry. I wanted people to acknowledge the struggle I'd been through and was continuing to go through.

What made me feel best was the people who'd ask "is your lip going to get better?" or "your smile is still beautiful to me" or even "you look kind of like a pirate" but they were really the minority. Most people just believe it is better to ignore it or tell you it is no big deal even when it is a big deal.

I also had people in my life who did not step up to the plate when I needed them, people I considered to be my "chosen" family and two years later I have forgiven them but my relationships are not the same. Cancer is a scary thing to everyone I guess.

But you have found us, Gordon, and we will be here for you through the good times and bad and none of us care what your face looks like. I am a dental hygienist so I can give you my professional opinion on your lips if you want to send me a picture.

Hang in there, it will get better, it always does.

Barb

Wow, Friends.
I've been away from the board for awhile (my computer was infected and I had a hard time re-connecting) and have been really missing everyone. Gordon, I cannot add anything to what has been said, but boy, do I remember the heartache and anguish we went through in this household while Tom was going through treatments. Luckily, we have a very loving and supportive family, but I know how hurt he was when his very best friend totally dropped out of the picture. We both know it was out of fear; the fellow was afraid of losing Tom and just didn't know how to act around him. Others stepped right up to the plate, coming to visit, taking him to appointments, etc. You do find a whole range of sensitivities during a time like this. Tom, too, felt very ugly and did not want to go out. It wa so hard for him at Christmas, when he looked his very worst....everyone was at our house and I know it was hard on him. But we love him, and it really didn't matter to us. When I look back at those pictures I am amazed at how much he has improved. While I doubt I'll ever see him the way I 'remember,' I am thrilled with how he is progressing and just happy to have him hear. The was a rough road, but the other side has shown that we have grown in our own capacities for consideration, compassion and respect. We do truly realize that when others go through difficult times, they need us. We notice people with disfigurements and now do recognize that a direct smile feels so much better (to us!)than glancing away from them, and we are sure it makes for a nicer day for them.

I hope I'm not just rambling....my vertigo is in full swing and it makes it hard to think straight....but I did want to add my prayers and best thoughts to those sent by our friends here.
They were rocks for us and will always be in our prayers.
Nicki

This is sorta an aside-the posts above to Gordon are all so beautiful that I don't have anything better to add-but one thing strikes me while reading through them. It is the statement that often friends and family members are scared of cancer patients and react by disappearing. I don't see my husband's dealing with his head and neck cancer or my friend's loss of both breasts any differently than I see an amputee or a sightless or deaf person or any number of other battles with diseases that may result in some physical imparement.I'm not "scared" of any of them. In fact, in our business, we make a point of identifying any physical or mental impairments so that we can design for maximum function and safety for the client and family. I truly admire folks who are strong enough emotionally to find the glass 1\2 full. They are the people I want to emulate. Keep going Gordon,you will find many people who will admire your guts and determination. Amy

Gordon,

These posts are all so wonderful. I just wanted to add that I've had my own struggles with family members wanting to avoid the impact of my illness--and in one case uleashing a boatload of resentment about how I wasn't thinking of their needs when I was going through radiation and chemo (actually, no, I wasn't thinking of their needs too much--they are an adult and it was all I could do to take care of my own needs)but I have also run into wonderful unexpected love and support from other folks.

I know how the rejection or avoidance from family members can hurt--there isn't any way it won't because you have a big heart-- but when you are fighting this disease, you can't let yourself wade in that pain too much--turn towards the blessings you have in life--we all have blessings, even if they are small ones--and take "the kindness of strangers" when it's offered. There is definitely as much good this brings out in people as bad.

Nelie

Gordon,
I have been following your posts, and haven't been able to come up with anything the others haven't already expressed (much better than I ever could). But I just wanted to add my sorrow for your grief over the loss of your "supposed-friends" and family, the loss of your old self-image and the aching in your heart. If you were as callous as the people in your "family", you might not even feel the pain as sharply! So, in my book, thats 100 extra points for you!
(Remember them when all the reconstruction surgery is done, and you look like Brad Pitt and they all want to come flocking back)

Live Well,
Andrea

Hi Gordon et al,

Know the feeling about "friends" disappearing very well. And the strange looks when I had just finished radio, especially the perusing look and frown from a young neighbour (8 yrs old), at my red, burned neck and cheeks, plus the long scar, from the radical neck dissection, and the water bottle in hand! The look from an innocent child always stays in your mind, but there was no difference in the way she treated me, just acceptance.

I always think of what my sister endured through childhood to adulthood. She was born with a cleft palate and hair lip...my mother didn't have her until after an operation to close the palate and lip. She was born in 1951, when microsurgery was not available. She had to survive the jests at school - she did cope when joked at by taking out her plate and saying, "this is my spider and it will attack you!"

When she was going to run away from home (as I'm sure most of us did when young), Mum said, "and don't forget your toothbrush...oh, and where will you brush your teeth?" Her response? She cried, unpacked her little bag and didn't run away!

Through her teen years she had several operations to have a decent looking nose, plus for other reasons. She worked hard for her speech to sound normal (I still get angry when I hear people do that "blocked nasal" speak, often used in comedy shows).

Through all of these handicaps she has more confidence and public personality than me, has two gorgeous children (young men now!). So I'm really not too worried about my appearance, which is minor to what she went through, and my scars are becoming less noticeable...

My friend who has cervical (another recurrence 3 years down the track, extra radio and chemo aren't working too well), thought my cancer was more difficult than hers, as I have to wear my scars on the outside. I thought hers was worse than mine, being on the inside (and also her treatment)! We have become much closer through our cancers...it helps to have someone in sort of the same ballpark to talk to...and I agree with others that OCF is such a great place...don't feel so alone.

Cheers!

Tizz