Oh my God, did a ton of bricks hit me today or maybe it was reality? There I was, happy about the tube feeding going well and Mom appeared to be getting a LITTLE pep back.

What I thought was a trip to the lab and then to the Doc to discuss when treatment begins turned into to Moms first chemo treatment. I can't describe the panic and major anxiety that overcame me. As I wathed and listened to all the prep, I thought I was going to to throw up.

After she given some bendryl and started to fall asleep, I went to move the car to a closer area and began to cry like a baby. Come on, I've always been a strong women and it's not like I didn't know where we were heading what is my problem? Just when I least expected it I caved! After I got it back "together" I went back to the treatment room. When the treatment was over, she received some morphine for pain. Which actually worked. She was given a script for some in liquid form. However, I still haven't gotten it filled due to local pharmacy not having it.

I don't really know why I'm rambling on like this, quess it's just been a day. I AM thankful that Mom has gained some pounds in last week via tube and that her labs were good enough to start treatment and for the fact that I can sit here and unload. Sorry for all the whining! There will be many more days like this wont there?

Bless all,
dee

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Mom has unresectable SCCHN -T1-3,T4,No,N1,N2-3_

Girl-you need to cry! Cry, cry, cry. It is normal. I can be driving in my car and tear up-Strong people need to and do cry! It is GREAT that treatment has started-it is unfortunate that you were blind sided. Do you have support? I have found that when I am temporarily relieved by a family member, I rejuvinate. My dad is my best friend, life line and soul. I feel you totally. Today he and I counted the positives together-we got up to 11!! Hang in there.

Dee: Stress is real and it does take a lot out of care-givers. A support group or therapist or some good anti-depressants may help you to get thru the next few weeks/months. Stress is real. Also, a support group for you, the caregiver, is very important - could be friends, family, a cancer support group, whatever. We all get thru life with a little help from our friends (or a lot!).

My sister-in-law was smart to organize a group of friends to help her husband with chemo, radiation, etc, so she didn't have to bear the full burden. It is especially hard for you if you are the main care-giver. Sending hugs your way - Candace

Dee,
I'm not on the Forum that often anymore, I am also the caregiver of my Mom, (86 yrs. old this Sept.) She had surgery for tongue cancer in May of 04 with lymph nodes removed in her neck. She bounced back rather quickly for her age but this past May was found to have pre-cancerous growths again which should be removed, but due to another health issue of which we were unaware until May, she has decided to forgo the 2nd surgery. We just keep a watchful eye on her oral lesions by visiting our ENT every 3 mos. It is a very hard thing watching someone you love so much suffer. I now feel that I am the Mother and my Mom is the child. Her other neurological condition has caused a sharp decline in her awareness and it's like watching her disappear right in front of my eyes. I can completely feel the stress and anxiety you are going thru. This dreadful disease is so very hard on those suffering with it, but those caring for the person with the disease go thru their own hell. We now take life one day at a time and try to make the best of each moment we have left. My Mom always told me that God never gives us more than we can handle, but sometimes I wonder. I pray for strength every day for my Mom and myself and will add you to my prayers. You sound like a wonderful daughter and your Mom is very luckly to have you as her friend. God Bless You Both.

Margie

To Dee, Margie and Shawna Margo: My message to you may or may not be received as comfort.But since I am 65 yrs. old, and well schooled in the reality of losing the older generation family members that we love and revere so much, I want to remind you that death is a consequence of life.
That doesn't mean that we accept it graciously or without a fight. It means that it is the conclusion to our being here to begin with. None of us who have a meaningful relationship with our beloved family members want to let them go gracefully, but sometimes we must. It may just condense down to care and comfort and love at the end. Fighting a battle that will never be won can make the enevitable worse sometimes. There is alot to be said for "leaving this life with dignity. I fought like hell to keep my mother[age84] alive when she was ready to go. I made the last few weeks harder on her. I don't know your ages, but I do know that my children's generation seems to think that dying is not a nautral part of living. That is not the deal.None of us will live forever. For those of us who are "Senior Citizens", our best hope is that we go gracefully into this goodnight and not cause undue suffering to our loved ones. Remember this as you are caring for and comforting your parents. I send you Love and Support and empathy. Amy

Amy, I hope you expand on this observation in a new post. Your perspective and insight is helpful to me. My parents are now 80 something (fortunately healthy) but I know what is ahead. Coping with what life dishes out is an important part of this cancer thing. The idea that my parents might out live me is a topic for another day. Similar but different than loosing ones child........

Amy
As you know from my other posts I'm in the process of losing my Mom, months only, no treatment available.
I find it almost impossible to talk to my Mom about what is going to happen ( it's only 5 months since I lost my Dad) I find myself hoping that her heart will give out and stop her suffering ( she has SCC of the oesophagus) I dream the most horrendous dreams and am usually awake around 5am. She will hopefully be home to be nursed by me, but God help me, I'm not sure I'm strong enough, although I know I will have to be.
May your God walk with you on this journey..
Sunshine... love and hugs
Helen