Welcome Hellion,

I'm going to speak frankly and not pull any punches, and I want to assure you up front that I mean it only to be helpful. The unvarnished truth is not always pretty, but it has the virtue of always being the truth anyway.

Let's talk about fear for a moment. You are in a situation where the worst that can happen is that you die. Well, that's nothing to fear because it's going to happen anyway. In fact, everyone on the planet is going to die, and very few know when. So that's nothing to fear.

What is making you fearful is, as you said, your concern about your family, should you die sooner, rather than later. This too, is always possible, and it's always possible for every one of us who have life.

So that not anything to fear either, but it is something to plan and prepare for, and that is something for you to start right now, getting your affairs organized and in order so that your survivors will not have that to deal with. It's likely that they won't have to because you are going to get through this, but it is prudent to do this anyway.

Probably the next thing to work on is Attitude. Your attitude towards this situation will color the reaction and attitudes of the other members of your family.

The title of this thread suggests to me that you may be in the grip of the "woe is me's" already. This will frighten your kids (and your spouse); and worse, will lead to paralysis of your will; so you can't afford to go there.

Shake that off now and replace it with "This is very survivable and I am going to be one of those who do!" Avoid negativity, it actually does program you to expect negative results and in addition, actually does reduce your chances. Stress does this also, so avoid it where possible.

By the way, this meta-programming aspect of attitude will work in your favor and will produce positive results if you do it. Note well, I did not say "try it," because deciding to "try something" as opposed to just doing it, is a recipe for failure. Put your mind to it and do it.

Your chances of surviving this are very good, new treatments are literally appearing daily, and the standard treatments already offer significant success. Your chances of survival are also greatly enhanced by adopting a realistic and positive attitude.

Look at your diagnosis as simply the world's loudest wake-up call. Life exists in this moment, the previous one is gone forever; the next one is not guaranteed to even arrive, and I'm not talking about cancer patients here, but about each one of us on this planet.

Good luck to you and your family, you will get through this!

Bart

Mamacita,

I'm sorry I'm eligible, too, but I imagine we all are . I plan on having the strength, but I know I'll be happy to have support as well. Thank you for the reply and the kind words.

As for the user name -- well, I've been a Hellion my whole life -- maybe it finally pays off. No one, not even Cancer, wants to deal with a riled up Hellion!

The Hellion

Grrrr this isn't working. I'll try a new one

I don't know why, but every post I put up comes up blank when I post it. I have many responses to your encouraging words, but i can't seem to post them! Grrrrrrr!

Tammy,

I am certainly hoping that my treatment plan is as good as can be and I sure hope it works! I know already that I'm in for a rough road. My oncologist certainly didn't pull any punches regarding the "wringer" but he did assure me it's all done with a cure in mind and that a good attitude matters. One thing I hope I maintain is my sense of humor (which is dark, but mine nonetheless) and that it helps me get through the roughest patches. Everyone says that statistics don't matter and I actually believe they're right. This one is my fight, and the only statistic for me is win or lose (and I do NOT lose with a great deal of dignity).

I'm so very fortunate to have such a wonderful support network, starting with my wife and working through several key friends, and I appreciate your welcome and kind words as well.

Thanks for the vote of confident!!

The Hellion

Christine,

Thank you so much for the advice. I'm planning on eating whatever I can whenever I can while I can. With a little luck, maybe I can actually at least drink a bit all the way through, even if I'm on the PEG for the last couple of weeks (which is what I'm told will probably happen). One of the things I'm very afraid of is losing the ability (muscular memory) to swallow, so I plan to try and swallow a few times every day. Is that actually possible? Some people seem to indicate that it isn't.

I did my blood work and dental -- 10 years without seeing a dentist and no work needed other than a good cleaning -- my dentist actually believes that with good daily care (flouride treatments, cleaning 4x daily, etc.) that I may avoid any major dental problems, so that's good. Had the flouride trays done last week.

More appointments coming -- chemo consult Thursday and the PEG install today ahead of treatments staring on the 31st. Hoping I can work throughout, but we'll see. Given the drive to the facility, I'm definitely on 1/2 days during treatment -- travel time takes what it takes.

Hoping I can take advantage of the good weather my first two weeks and still ride my motorcycle -- we'll see how the skin feels. I'm probably hopelessly optimistic, but hey, what do I have to lose by hoping?

Thanks for the advice!!

The Hellion

Kathy,

My wife has already been amazing. She's thrown herself into making this as good as it can be. She bought me a recliner to sleep in on the bad days and is having my artist daughter rig up a "crown" to go with what I'm calling my "caner trhone" -- it really is an ugly ****ing chair. She's telling all of the worst jokes (which I actually enjoy -- I refuse to be cowed into being "sensitive" about this) and she's doing more reading and research than I am to prepare us for the treatments. With the HPV diagnosis, she jumped on board with what a friend of mine is calling "the coolest cancer your can get if you have to have cancer" and telling everyone that it means I'm incredibly accomplished at certain things, and I now have the diagnosis to prove it. Hope that's not too crass for the forum -- it just makes me laugh every time she says it.

As you can guess, I'm not exactly reserved, not exactly appropriate and most certainly not above taking cheap shots at myself of this stupid disease. We have done some crying and worrying and yelling at the gods of fate about the unfairness of it all, but we're going to do everything we can to maintain the best possible attitude for as long as possible, and she's going to be the best help I can have doing so.

I'll ask if she wants to check in. Meanwhile, I appreciate your kind words and advice. With luck, we'll learn not to worry and just fight the fight once we get started.

Thank you!!

The Hellion

Uptown,

I don't know why I got such good numbers. Maybe they're just trying to make me feel better -- I was worried abut that for a few days, but I've decided it doesn't really matter anyway -- I'm not a number, I'm a free man and my blood is my own, now (to quote the mighty Iron Maiden \"/). I'm being treated by one of the highest rated centers in my state, they are saying inoperable because they don't feel the surgery significanly improves my chances relative to my quality of life, at least before doing the radiation.

For right now, I'll take their number, I'll take their advice -- my oncologist seems smart, reasonable and confident. He's warned me he's going to put me through the wringer, but he feels good about my chances for "cure". Imay have no reason to believe him, but I have no reasone to NOT believe him either . He also believes humor is my best weapon in this, so at least we see eye to eye on that. I just hope he can handle my rather dark sense of humor -- I'm not exactly a sensitive Sally, at least when it comes to myself.

Thanks for the advice and good wishes!

The Hellion

snip [quote=TheHellion]
.....With the HPV diagnosis, she jumped on board with what a friend of mine is calling "the coolest cancer your can get if you have to have cancer" and telling everyone that it means I'm incredibly accomplished at certain things, and I now have the diagnosis to prove it. Hope that's not too crass for the forum -- it just makes me laugh every time she says it.[/quote]

It makes me laugh too, and I thank her for it!

Hockeydad,

Getting caught up on messages bit by bit. I'm already organizing ways to get out of doing household stuff, er, I mean getting ahead of household stuff -- thanks for the advice and well wishes!!

The Hellion