Hi,my name is maris40 and I'm new to this forum. My daughter had surgery for tongue cancer and I'm living with her and hubby. While he works I'm alone with her during the day and she hardly speaks to me anymore about things. Before the surgery we had many nice adult conversations,I'm beginning to take this personally,but I know better,which is why I need this forum.I just don't know what to say to her anymore.

Maria she's probably terrified did she have surgery only?

Maris, welcome to OCF! You have come to the right place for help with info and support for your daughter.

I have sent you a private message (PM). Look for the tiny flashing envelope next to the My Stuff tab. Its up towards the middle near the top of the page. If you click on that and check out the link in the PM, you will soon be a pro at navigating the forums.

Best wishes!

Welcome!
I just went through surgery myself for tongue cancer. I have been with-drawn and kinda keep to myself more than I did. I know my parents are having a hard time with it. I think its because it is so scary and I try to be brave and do it on my own. I hope she feels better soon. Just keep trying to reach her. What kind of surgery did she have? Everyone is so nice on these boards and it helps a lot! I have found much comfort here!

Welcome! I too just had surgery to remove a tumor from my tongue. Please don't take it personally that your daughter is not very conversational right now. She has a lot on her mind right now and if she is like me....she is VERY tired and it is difficult to speak. Give her a little space to reflect on all she has just gone through. The surgery is rough. She will improved each day and should be ready to talk after a few weeks. Be patient with her.

Just a thought. By the time 4 months post rolls around most are pretty well back on their feet, learning the finer points of the new "me". It it possible she does not need your help and presence as much now and just finds it difficult to communicate she is fine now with her own space?

Thanks,the info was very helpful,just knowing that we are not the only ones going through this and that things do get better. She had part of her tongue removed and a partial neck dissection,no radiation at this time,only monthly visits to the doctor

Thanks,Cheryld,yes it was a neck dissection and the partial removal of her tongue.

Tell her to keep a very close eye on her neck and her tongue. Hopefully she won't need to worry but knowing what's normal in her mouth and neck once she is healed is important to detecting a possible recurrence. Believe me when I tell you I am not a negative person, but sometimes if they skip rads and chemo node or something odd will pop up. This is usually less likely if she's had a neck dissection, but it's a better safe than sorry mentality. hugs and just give her time.

Have you considered depression? Often when the enormity of what has just happened hits home, instead of feeling elated, some patients actually spiral into depression. For us it was 6 weeks out but wasn't recognised for another 3 months.

the other suggestion I have is that she is possibly feeling smothered?

You are doing the right thing in not taking it personally - she cannot think about you right now and is not herself.

The only knock down drag out fights Alex and I ever had were during and just after treatment. I felt he was acting like an irresponsible 2 year old, and he thought I was an autocratic sergeant major. He also felt smothered, fussed over and resented me for it. We got past it (after many a night fantasising about dropping him off on the side of the road for some other poor woman to find), and we have the strongest relationship of any of our friends (IMO). He is considerate, regularly tells people that I am goddess (entirely true of course) and if he forgets, I tell them for him

It will get better, and that's a promise