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Cocoa, Hello and welcome.

Your mother is incorrect about this cancer. Tobbaco use is the leading cause of this cancer. People who continue to use tobbaco products will experience a higher chance of the cancer recurring. The important thing now is that she receive the best care and treatment options. This cancer can be beaten.

My suggestion is that you not confront her, instead offer support in her recovery. I don't think you sound stupid at all.

Take care

Hi cocoa: Nicotine is addicting, just like cocaine, heroin or alcohol. In fact, it may be even more addicting than cocaine (some studies have suggested it is. It is very hard to quit smoking.

Your mother is also in denial (many addicts are). Addiction is real, it isn't just a choice, it may start out that way, but it becomes addicting. Really, truly addicting. Be kind to your mother, she is struggling w/cancer (or maybe trying not to face it) and she is an addict. You honestly cannot make her stop smoking, that is something she will have to take on herself. And yes, it will probably cause the cancer to come back.

This is really hard for you & everyone who loves her. After my brother was diagnosed, I was unable to stop myself from walking up to people smoking and telling them about my brother. This was my problem and I did finally stop myself (it took a few months). And nobody quit smoking because of my lectures (hard to believe,but true!). Addicts have to make the decision to quit. You cannot make the decision for them.

It is very hard for you right now & it will be very difficult in the next year or so as your mother starts down the road to recovery. Be kind to her and vent here - Candace

Hi Cocoa,
I smoked for a few years and was diagnosed when I was 41, almost 2 years ago. My cancer was in my jaw and even though my docs like to tell me that smoking wasn't the causitive factor (they don't feel I smoked long enough or heavily enough) I quit smoking with little trouble. It was hard, don't get me wrong, but both my husband and I have never gone back to that habit.
I have children, 7 daughters, and if I could not have quit for myself I could have done it for them I believe. Speaking as a mother, a mothers desire to give her child what they need is very powerful. Have you tried printing out some facts on smoking and oral cancer and give it to your mother? The smoking habit is a horrible one. My mother still smokes and it amazes me that she still does after being there every step of the way through my surgery.
People handle things differently and it seems like your mother is in denial about this causing her cancer. Have you tried telling her how much the thought of losing her scares you? This cancer can be beat, but she will stand a much better chance of doing that if she quits smoking. In your shoes I would have NO problems scaring my mother with the facts of smoking and oral cancer, none at all. I would be there to support her, of course, in her efforts to quit, but would not feel quilty for breaking through her denial. It might save her life!
Hope all turns out well for you.
Minnie

On the message board Minniea said:
"I have children, 7 daughters, and if I could not have quit for myself I could have done it for them I believe. Speaking as a mother, a mothers desire to give her child what they need is very powerful."


My mom is that kind of mom that would do ANYTHING for her children...except that. I think that her craving is too strong.

Minniea said
"Have you tried printing out some facts on smoking and oral cancer and give it to your mother?"


My mother doesn't believe that stuff. She thinks that those are just general statistics, scare tactics, and that it doesn't apply to her. Believe me, if I thought it could be affective, I would. Like I said, I am the type of person who is always reading and researching something. My parents always encouraged me to be educated and to learn. I was never allowed to go out when I was younger. I didn't have a social life. So since I didn't have those things, I did the only thing I could do like reading and trying to learn new things. BUT, my parents never thought it could....how can I say this....work against them. So my mother becomes very disconcerted when I try to share facts and research that I have learned with her. I have told her the facts about oral cancer and smoking but she doesn't want to hear it. She simply does not believe them to be true.

Minnea said
"The smoking habit is a horrible one. My mother still smokes and it amazes me that she still does after being there every step of the way through my surgery."

My mother had surgery once and it was not fun. However, it doesn't stop the urge and even after surgery she believes that smoking was not a factor.


Minniea said
"People handle things differently and it seems like your mother is in denial about this causing her cancer. Have you tried telling her how much the thought of losing her scares you?"

She is in denial about smoking causing cancer AND sometimes I think she is in denial about HAVING cancer. She kind of acts like cancer is like herpes, AIDS, or other STD's where she will be judged and people will be like, "OH SHE MUST REALLY BE A SLUT TO HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT!" Not that you are a slut if you have contracted one of those diseases but nonetheless, the point I'm making is that some illnesses have social stigmas on them and she treats cancer as such. She can't even say the word. I think it is too embarrassing for her.
As for the part of telling her the thought of losing her scares me, you see the thing is, I had a 13 year old sister that died a long time ago and that devastated her. Since you are a mother, I know you can relate to that degree of devastation. I know that losing a daughter and losing a mother are two different types of losses. However, if I lose her, I think I will be almost equally as devastated. I tried to share this with her, you know, that I desperately need her in my life right now and she said that she didn't want to hear it. You see, I have this role in the family dynamic where I'm not supposed to be human and I should be without feelings but that's another story. I have a very interesting family.

Minniea said,
"In your shoes I would have NO problems scaring my mother with the facts of smoking and oral cancer, none at all. I would be there to support her, of course, in her efforts to quit, but would not feel quilty for breaking through her denial. It might save her life!"


Honestly, it is going to get to that point. You see she hasn't shared these latest results with me but I know what they are. I am giving her time to tell me because she will have to tell me eventually anyway. So basically, I'm just going to lay it all on the line. I'm not going to yell, I'm not going to fuss. I'm going to handle it calmly and rationally and just tell her she is facing big risks and I don't want to lose her. GOD ONLY KNOWS THAT I WANT TO SAVE HER LIFE! The last thing I want to do is argue or fight or attack and condemn her. But as a loving family member, I don't want her to die AND MOST OF ALL, I don't want to see her lose her quality of life.

Anyway, thanks for the response and support Minnie!

Candace:
"Addiction is real, it isn't just a choice, it may start out that way, but it becomes addicting. Really, truly addicting."

So true. You see, I have OCD so I know about addictions and compulsions. That is why I have never told my mother how I felt about her smoking because I know that it is so hard to quit.

Candace:
"Be kind to your mother"

I know. That's all I want to do.

Candace:
"You honestly cannot make her stop smoking, that is something she will have to take on herself. And yes, it will probably cause the cancer to come back."

Yes, you can't make anyone do what they don't want to do and she has made up her mind that she is not going to quit. And yes, it the cancer has returned.

Candace:
"...I was unable to stop myself from walking up to people smoking and telling them about my brother."

I am so tempted to do that when I see people outside in the rain, snow and cold weather smoking. BUT then I bite my tongue.

Candace:
"And nobody quit smoking because of my lectures (hard to believe,but true!)."

Not gonna happen!

Candace:
"Be kind to her and vent here"

I really appreciate your response and thank you for making me feel welcome.

Cocoa

Cocoa, welcome to the site. Sorry you needed to find us. As to your mom, when you have your confrontation/discussion with her, have her call me. I smoked constantly from the time I was 14 until my tonsilectomy in November, 2003. That was 39 years. I smoked an average of a pack a day and developed stage IV tonsil cancer. That was what I bought myself for all of those thousands and tens of thousands of dollars I spent on tobacco. I stopped smoking the day I had my tonsils removed. I really wasn't interested in leaving my 15 year old daughter or my two sons (and especially not my wife). If that is not motivation enough for your mom, nothing will be. Stopping smoking was not too difficult once treatment began. Ripping part of your throat out and having someone cook your neck will get you to stop sucking smoke through your mouth without too much difficulty. This site has some connections to sites with pictures which will give mom an idea of what continuing smoking may cause. I used to say smoking was not a causitive factor as well, but that was just an excuse to continue smoking, which I knew in my heart of hearts. She does as well. So give her the information and email me is she would like to discuss this further.

Cocoa,
I too was addicted to the nicotene and menthol in my cigarretes and after quitting completely while I had radiation in 1997, then thought I could get away with smoking 1 or 2 cigarretes a day. Dr. didn't like it, but said if I kept it at that level, I was probably OK. I did, but 4 years later, I had a new tumor, this time on the voice box, and wound up as a total laryngectomee. This disease can have very, if not deadly, cosmetic and life altering side effects. You wind up with your leg bone in your jaw, you can't eat any of the foods you love because your mouth is too dry, etc. etc. While I agree, only your mother is going to convince herself to quit, if you could get her to read some of the posts on this board, she might just decide to do it herself. Of course, if she winds up having major surgery or radiation, she will probably quit at that time by sheer necessity. Hang in there.

Take care,
Eileen