My husband was diagnosed with SCC base of tongue, which had spread to the lymph nodes on both sides of the neck. A further tumour was found during surgery beneath the collar bone. He has undergone a radical, and modified dissection, 4 weeks chemo/radio therapy. I am just worried beyond belief. He virtually starved for a month as he couldn't swallow, and refused help from feeding tubes etc, as he was determined to deal with things his own way. He has now begun to improve, and is eating more everyday. He has thrown away his pain meds as he said they made him feel like 'shit.' I am relieved he appears to be on the mend, but...
We argue like cat and dog between tears. I can't deal with the sniping, and I feel it's destroying me and making me feel guilty for being healthy. I know he loves me, we have been together forever, but why is he doing this? Sometimes I want to run away so badly.

Hey Francesca,
I am glad to hear your husband is improving...he really did things pretty fast. My hubby had 8 weeks chemo/rad and wasn't feeling better and off meds for several months after that. He was told that was extremely quick recovery. I know what you mean about wanting to run away from this disease and the stress it causes. Dan was pretty kind during his illness even though he was in so much pain. He was very grateful for the help and we usually just argued about what he wasn't eating and how much he tried to do so quickly. It's a little harder now as I think he should try and take it easy some, but he is a bit of a workaholic anyway and his job demands quite a bit, so he goes and goes. I worry enough for the both of us. Having a great support system (our church and bible study) helped us both to get through it all. I hope you have some support and daily prayers to God helped me get some peace thru it all. I still fight fear all the time, but it sort of comes with the territory and personality that I have. I will keep you in my prayers.
God bless,
Debbie

Francesca,

Sometimes, the world expects men to be a lot tougher than they want to or should be. In this "man's world" we are taught to show emotion is to show weakness. Over time we are literally brainwashed into believing we are really expected to be that way.

Throw in a life-threatening illness such as SCC and it magnifies all the issues in life we would normally deal with in a different way. Just like grieving in any way, the stages of cancer acceptance requires us to go through each step in our own way. We all move through anger, denial, guilt/blame and acceptance at our own speed in our own way. Anger is the one emotion that we typically only express around people we love because it is perceived as a sign of vulnerability.

I am sorry you have had to see your husband experience the roller coaster ride of cancer and I am really amazed at how well he has done and is doing. Hopefully, this will be behind you both and life can go on, after cancer. Try to not allow his sniping to become personal attacks on you. Most likely, he is not really directing this at you but just doens't see how it is affecting you because of his concerns about beating this beast of a disease.

Ed

Francesca,
I don't know that I "belong" to this forum yet, but I saw your post. My first husband was police officer, injured severely at work. He too to rid of the pain meds very quickly - everyone was surprised. He got very moody & argued with me all of the time. Anger & moodiness can be signs of depression, which is common after such life-changing events. Please, talk to his doctor, talk to him and see if he will go to a counselor or even take depression meds if they feel it's appropriate. Whatever the reason for his anger right now, he needs to find a better way to work through it. I feel very strongly about such things. My husband refused help after help. He committed suicide 2 years after his injury. He couldn't handle the changes that had occurred & he would not let anyone help. I don't say these things because I think your husband is headed down that road, but I would encourage you to talk to him and to his doctor; and possibly to talk to your own counselor. I imagine you need somewhere to vent also and you husband is obviously (and rightfully so) having a difficult time. Your in my prayers.

Hello Francesca

It can be hard to accept this disease and the effects of the treatment. Often this fear shows as anger with the disease, anger with ourselves for getting it and anger towards anyone else within radius. Unfortunately you are directly in the firing line being your husband's carer as well as his closest friend.

When I became very edgy after my treatment was over my GP suggested anti-depressants (very gently!) and I have found them to be a godsend. I also am rather independent, no feeding tube for me either, however I am pleased I took the happy pills because I believe they helped my general health. Our body can't recover while it is tensed up and anxious. I was also annoyed that I couldn't eat foods I had previously enjoyed etc, etc, etc.

Take heart that you are not the target of your husband's dark mood. In fact you are probably the last person he would want to hurt - he is aware of what you have been through also. Possibly he is frightened he'll lose you.

I would suggest a visit to the doctor to discuss what could be improved for him and for you. You have also been on the journey and also deserve care. There are so many issues around this life-changing disease.

You are in my thoughts, your husband is so fortunate to have such a caring wife. Love and light from Helen

Hi there,

A trick I learned when the angry surfaced is that I would say to myslef "I am so happy that he is here to bug me". If I concentrated on this phrase when someting was said to me half the time I won't come back with a reply. Dry those tears girl and whenever a "happy" moment occurs between the two of you learn to make it last as long as possible. Whatever the activity that you two shared as a couple and enjoyed the most, if you can, try to do it now.

Debbie M, husband had tonsil cancer

Hi all
Talk about timely. I just got off the phone with Bob who three weeks out from radiation and back at work. The last few days have been very rough for him. He finally admitted just now that he needs to get "into a better space" mentally. He is healing amazingly quickly and able to eat again. But he is so disturbed by the taste issues. Everything he used to like tastes wrong, or doesn't taste at all. He is edgy and I believe a little depressed. It helps to hear that all of this is to be expected. Besides medication does anyone have suggestions as to how to help him cope with the after treatment blues. Thanks Denise

That's WONDERFUL! That's a BIG step for him to admit that it's rough for him and that he needs to get "into a better space" mentally. Hoorah for you and him! I can't speak on oral cancer specifically, but will say that it does help some people to have someone outside their family network to vent to - especially if that someone has walked in the same shoes. Exercise as tolerated is also a great booster - even just a short walk - better if it's the two of you together I remarried not too long ago. It's been difficult transition & stressful. We always try to either make plans for a short getaway, a project or treat that we both would like, or a goal for a future plan (we're planning on buying an rv to travel!). As soon as we've completed one "task", we always make sure we have another planned - that gives us both something to look forward to and something "else" to focus on besides a stressful situation. Good luck dear, hugs, angels and GOD BLESS!

One of the biggest helps to get over the blues that helped me was to get on this forum and hear from others that the treatment is survivable!! That in a few months things DO start getting better. Yes, there is a new normal, but it doesn't have to stop anyone from enjoying every day of their life to the fullest. Attitudes change and there is HOPE here!!! If we can make it so can they.

Get a feel from the posts of time lines for recouperating and let them know that for many cancer isn't a death sentence. Life may be short or long but make every day count. Plan for a future trip and put pictures around your house of where you are heading. Get focused beyond the disease and before you know it those days will come! Its a journey for sure, but one that can be beat! - Kris

Well thankyou all, I am beginning to feel so much better, I was worried that our 23 year marriage was being beaten into submission by this evil disease.Once,my husband told me that he was trying to make me hate him, so that I won't feel so bad if anything happens to him.That just about put me on the ropes. And to be honest, at one stage, I felt as if I could hate him because of the hurt and rejection. Incidently, he's never stopped working, and I really do see that he's on the mend. However, I'm not sure that I figure strongly in his plans for the future, as he's told me he wants to live out the rest of his life how he pleases, and do all the things he's never done.(I take it that's my fault...) I am on the back burner. The psychological impact of Cancer to me, is every bit as bad as the disease itself, and I feel in limbo. But even so, I am getting stronger too, and will accept whatever route in life he decides on, as it is after all, his life. No one told me it would be like this!!!! :rolleyes: