Been reading through some of Charm's and other's old posts trying to make some sense of my Dad's process. It's a slippery fish, never get the sense of any order to it. He's had his first bone fracture at a met spot, fortunately his arm, but spots are now in his hips and femur. And his CCC is scratching their heads as to whether some of his node mets are actually melanoma reoccurrence and not SCC, meaning another biopsy and likely chemo needed to slow those down.

He handled the news shakier than usual. I'm sort of blas� having expected it. His O calls me after tests directly now before my parents to discuss options like we're business partners, it's an odd relationship, I challenge the hell out of him and he seems to respect it. My Mom just had her kidney removed--out of left field, no symptoms, with a softball sized tumor attached...at the same CCC where we've been squatters for the past 2 years. They think she'll be ok, whatever ok is.

I'm rambling. My point is, what should be the point? Quality time, I think. Should I encourage my Dad to knock off add'l treatment in exchange for time, or see how another round of toxins whacks the moles? Should he have the chance to enjoy a drug free summer? I've demanded that any infusion therapy be done local to home, so we have a deal to have a second oncologist work with him but keep his primary relationship and tests done at his CCC. His MO told me another year or so, but is fast to remind me that he should have statistically died a year ago. So F-ed this all is, and no compass.

Cindy, I am very sorry to hear about your father. He is a very nice man. What difficult decisions you are facing! Those are some very hard options and really only you with your family can make these choices. Boy, you sure have your hands full. I hope your mother is ok now and is doing alright with her recovery. When it rains, it pours!

A few years ago when I had my 3rd round of OC, I almost gave up and refused treatment. I thought it would be easier on my children if I prepared them while I was in pretty good health (besides being Stage IV). But the members of the forum convinced me not to quit without at least trying. Even though my surgery failed and I became disfigured, it really was a success as I am still here almost 4 years later.

Is my situation something that would work for your dad? Im one who usually will say not to quit before trying but I understand what your father has already been thru. This is really a very tough one!

Whatever you and your family decide we will be behind you and help support you.

Ditto what christine said. I would definitely find out if you are dealing with a different cancer. If so then perhaps a new chemo would have a better effect. I know it's hard, and we want those we love around forever but time is fleeting. If you dad is willing to go the distance to still fight I would do it. If not... spend a great summer together. hugs and much love.

as you can imagine, my game face with my dad is war-on. he's willing to go longer, but i've got to get my wants in check.

christine, no he's had distant mets quicker than you could say
"NED" so his is a different situation than yours as I understand it.

Caco,
my Dad died of congestive heart failure this March. He passed in a nursing home, but under hospice care. I think that, when things start going squirrelly, the issue of quality of life is important, but so are your Dad's wishes. He is undoubtedly thinking of you, and his wife, and maybe not so much of what he wants for himself. It is possible that an 'outsider' - a social worker, or a pastor knowledgeable in this area, might be able to sort things out with him better than those so near and dear to him. The hospice nurses, aids and social workers helped immeasurably in the last weeks - both with the physical and the spiritual aspects of dying. It was remarkable to see.

Please remember, as you are on this path, that no matter how hard you try, you cannot give your father youth and health: that is not humanly possible, and you can only do what is humanly possible.

What you can give is love, and the joy of companionship, and the knowledge that you are his beloved daughter. Not all parents are so lucky.

We will always second-guess ourselves and our decisions. My Dad should have gone into hospice sooner - but he was helping care for our old dog - with, really, the last of his strength. He would have been more comfortable physically in hospice, but I think caring for the dog was more important for him. When she passed, it was time for him to follow.

Take care of yourself, Caco, this is a difficult time for everyone.
Maria

Thanks, you're right Maria. He still has fight in him, but this chemo round is really tiring him AND not working--we learned thru a new biopsy today his melanoma returned on top of his current mets. If there's a bright side, he may get another chance at bat to treat both, but he's not as agreeable as he used to be about it.

I'm sorry you lost your dad, and I totally understand your feelings, I've had a hospice packet--unopened-- for over a year on my desk. In a twisted way if I don't open it I feel there's still time to think about it later, if that makes sense.