Hi all. I know I am usually a cheerleader here, but I am struggling for the moment, and feeling pretty down. Then I feel stupid for getting down because, comparatively speaking, I know I have been extremely lucky. Well the rational part of my brain knows that, the irrational side keeps whispering that I want my life back.

I can't talk to my "bio" family or friends about this, as they are all "rah rah, you're so strong", so I'm turning to the OCF family...

My speech has taken a down turn recently. Don't know why. My shoulders and back feel like I just did the hardest workout ever, and my neck is still swollen and feels like I am wearing a choke collar. Again, rationally, I know this will "all take time", but if one more person says that to me, I may punch them, then I'll just be feeling miserably in jail.

Some of you want to take a go at kicking me in the ass here?

It happens, and is normal, especially after the holidays, and even after treatment when we are at our high points, and in fight mode, only to be let down wondering what do I do now? Some post to help others to help themselves or go to group H&N cancer meetings. Life is a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. I'm pretty positive also, but I don't go around with a permanent smile painted on my face, and like to keep it real, and so are my emotions. I hate rah rah, blah talk, and just need an ear to listen to sometimes, but the problem is, most people don't listen. If these downs become constant, interferes with your daily living or have life ending thouhts, maybe you need to speak with a professional, and some even needs meds or even to reduce them. Some meds for neuropathy I took are antidepressants, anti seizure meds, and felt better mentally without, so I stopped taking them. I guess they can effect everyone differently. A little exercise, fresh air does wonders for some. You may want to have blood work done also to see if you suffer from any deficiencies, some which can cause depression, that can be corrected.

Ok girl...BUCK up!! Put your big girls pants on and quit your whining!!
There, I said it, but that was very foreign to me cuz' I'm just not wired that way!!! You know me...I'm the honey do list person that drove your dad nuts!!
We absolutely had some really hard days post tx. It's normal. Just when you think all is well there would be a set back. They do pass though and you'll be kickin' butt again. Allow yourself a small pity party, check with the docs if you feel you should, then get on with life.
Love ya' lady!!
Kathy

Tina, sorry to hear you have been feeling down lately. It happens to all of us from time to time. Some handle it better than others. Im wont give you a rah-rah pep talk (scared to get punched LOL!) Sometimes its not easy to see the good when other things are weighing down our minds. No matter if you sailed right thru everything or struggled from day 1 it doesnt matter, every single oral cancer patient and caregiver have it rough. Just being told you have cancer is a life changing event or as a caregiver watching someone you love go thru everything while trying to maintain a sunny disposition can be very hard to manage.

Try to make small personal goals. It doesnt have to be anything major, just something thats productive. Everybody needs to feel useful and a reason to get up in the morning.

Hope you feel better very soon! If you dont shake it within a couple weeks, then it is serious enough to seek out a professional.

Well if I liked ice cream (or could eat it!), I would plop down beside you and we could have a good cry together and eat a few liters! You have every reason to feel sorry for yourself. It is so hard when people keep telling you how wonderful and brave and strong you are when you feel anything BUT. You feel like a bowl of jello but to tell them that could worry them and you can't go there. This truly does suck. Now when I meet someone who is going through something I never tell them things like "oh you are so brave/courageous etc" - instead I ask them how they are feeling. The sun will shine another day - at least I know I sure hope so. Until then, rent a tear jerker movie, have a good cry and get lots of sleep.

Hugs

Donna

OK, Tina - no rah-rah talk here. You have a right to your feelings and you certainly deserve to have compassion for yourself after what you have been through and are still experiencing (which is quite different from feeling sorry for yourself). As others have suggested, it might be a good idea to check out some other causes like meds which can cause depression or even suicidal thoughts, the holidays, winter doldrums also known as S.A.D (season affective disorder) which is a result of not enough sunlight. The loss of a previous lifestyle can leave you grieving and be just as difficult as any other kind of loss. The tear jerker movie and a good cry can be very cleansing. Or a funny movie and chocolate! Or if the sun comes out, go stand by a sunny window. My son made what I thought was a very astute observation after taking what the doc had prescribed for his depression (my son's, not the doc's). He said: "The meds don't take away the problem, but they make you not care so much." On a depression scale of 1-10, you cannot expect to feel better all at once, it takes very small steps - so if you are at a 4 and can make it to 4.5, that's good. Whatever works, is worth a try. Hope you start feeling a little better, soon.

Shows you how much this is a mental struggle as it is a physical one Tina.

Keep your mind strong and your body will follow.

Always look to what you have done to date rather than spending too much time on what will happen in the future.

You get to appreciate things a lot more that way and makes you realize your one tough cookie

Tina

Little snippets from popular songs make a soundtrack to your situation - I play them in my head when I feel like you are feeling:
[quote]Even the Best fall down sometimes, even the Stars refuse to shine...[/quote]
[quote]Talk about our futures, like we had a clue, Never planned that one day, I'd be losing you, In another Life[/quote],
[quote]It's not easy to be me. It may sound absurd, but don't be naive, even heroes have the right to bleed[/quote]
[quote]Somewhere Over the Rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true...Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?[/quote]
Hang in there
Charm

Thanks guys. I think this is a situational bout, as opposed to long standing. I am on no meds at all, and haven't been on any since day 4 post surgery (not even asprin), so it's not that.

There has just been a bunch of shit for want of a better word...like getting ditched by someone I met online when he heard my voice the first time (even though I had already warned him). Like I all of a sudden have acne like never before (even when I was a teenager)...all of which sounds incredibly shallow but has made me feel isolated and unattractive.

I am sure it will be short term. I'm no pollyanna, but I have little patience for self pity. I feel better than yesterday, but I did need some "bucking up".

Thanks again.

[quote=tina77]Hi all. I know I am usually a cheerleader here, but I am struggling for the moment, and feeling pretty down. Then I feel stupid for getting down because, comparatively speaking, I know I have been extremely lucky. Well the rational part of my brain knows that, the irrational side keeps whispering that I want my life back.

I can't talk to my "bio" family or friends about this, as they are all "rah rah, you're so strong", so I'm turning to the OCF family...

My speech has taken a down turn recently. Don't know why. My shoulders and back feel like I just did the hardest workout ever, and my neck is still swollen and feels like I am wearing a choke collar. Again, rationally, I know this will "all take time", but if one more person says that to me, I may punch them, then I'll just be feeling miserably in jail.

Some of you want to take a go at kicking me in the ass here? [/quote]

"Tina Mina Nina Noo" as the song goes! If you didn't have at least moments of feeling a bit sorry for yourself after what you have been through...I don't thing you would be human. We are all here to hold you up...not kick your ass, girl! All of us "victims" of this disease, including caregivers, have been down more than once. People here will lift you up when you need it. Nobody cares how big, bad and tough anyone is...we just respond because we know. Just wait for spring...the best time of the year and the days are getting longer. PM me if you would like to hook up with a fellow Canuck from Winnipeg, who has some pretty inspirational insights from time to time and even plays in Edmonton at times!

Be well but be vigilant!

Ed