I agree with Minnie that a few months after treatment is the toughest. I had a severe depression in April (3 months after treatment), so severe that I had to be taken to hospital because I contemplated suicide every day. I live on the 19th floor and there is a balcony outside my living room. Every time I walked into the balcony, my husband would get scared. Unlike Minnie, my fear didn't come from recurrence of cancer and in fact I have never thought of it returning so soon after completing my treatment. I was depressed because I thought life could never be the same and I found myself hopeless, helpless and useless.So many things happened after my fight that I am thinking of writing a book after I retire from my job about my experience of fighting cancer and depression.I am near the 3 year mark since diagnosis in 2001 and I feel so glad that I didn't end my life during my depression. I have all my energy back and my new normal is even better than my old one. So, Leena, be patient, you can fight your way through all hurdles and be the winner of this life threatening battle.

Karen.

Leena,

What you are going through is exactly the same as what I went through and others here. It is like a roller coaster with many ups and downs. It starts out as the ride of your life and soon will become just another ride! I seem to go for longer periods of not worrying about it and then just when you feel like it is truly in the past...another visit to the the doctor or test. I just decided to enjoy every day and try my best to not waste one that I may never get back.

For example, we spent days repairing the back fence that appears to have been torn down from the neighbors backing their trailer into it. Then a storm came through last Saturday and blew two more sections down, snapping the posts. We just got that fixed. The front door started rotting through the bottom and we have a new door waiting for us to paint and put up. We caught up on half of the weeding of the flower beds from neglect last year during treatment. The yard is finally presentable from last year. Our air conditioner broke and we managed to keep the inside temp under 90 waiting for parts. I just love it...life at it's best . Forgot to mention health insurance coverage dropped three times so far this year, employer going out of business while I was on short term disability, air conditioner in the car going out, oldest son tore down the bathroom door getting to his brother, the new car we bought with the concealed ($7,000+) damage, the car wreck I was in...

The list goes on and on and on...but I love having a list of LIFE issues!

Ed

Leena,
Although I am usually an impatient person, I learned a lot of patience in the months after radiation and chemo ended. I advise against rushing back to work. Fortunately I am self-employed and I would go in 2 to 3 days a week for just a couple of hours, but there was no way that I could have put in a full, productive day of work in the months following radiation. I used to spend a lot of time drifting to sleep in my easy chair at home.
Six months after treatment, my throat had still not fully healed and I was still wearing a PEG tube 10 months after treatment.
But, in time, most of the problems pass. The PEG goes, the energy level increases, you begin to gain weight and feel good....and before you know it , life looks well worth living again.

Keep the faith,
Danny G.

Thanks, everybody,
It's good to hear from all of you. There are so many different kinds of "normal" to this thing - sometimes I start feeling like I should be one of those who can eat fried chicken(!!!!) in two weeks after radiation, and then it is good to hear that others have had to wait months to eat anything solid. Right now I count myself lucky if half a milkshake stays down.
Loved to hear about your life issues, Ed. I got furious when my husband's car broke down on the way home from one of my last radiation treatments. I felt it was unfair that anything else could go wrong when things were already bad enough. But I am glad that I have my basic needs covered and don't have to worry about the rent or food for the children (they are all on their own, as a matter of fact).
And especially for the airconditioning!!! It was one of the things that is wrong with the car, but at least it is cool in the house.
And the day will come when I can eat and taste all the food that smells so good. And when I won't be too sick and tired to enjoy my grandson's visits.
Yes, it definitely goes up and down - yesterday I was too sick and sad to write, today is much better.
Thanks, Leena

Leena,

I am glad you had a better day. Remember to rejoice in the good days since they are so much more precious right now. Right now it may seem like the good times come in minutes and hours; soon it will be hours and days; then it will be days and weeks! Hang in there.

Ed

Leena,

My mom went through a really tough time with the radiation and chemo she lost her voice and had the most horrible sores in her mouth after just 2 weeks of radiation but now almost 4 months out she has really good days and went back to work the first week of June. She started at about 170 lbs 5'8 and is now 130 lbs with lots of loose skin due to muscle loss. She likes being thin but I think she could stand to gain a few pounds. She never had a PEG tube and like you had a really rough time eating so stuck to mostly milkshakes for the first month or so after treatment. There is really high calorie shake recipe on the website and she lived off of those for the first 2 months and now she is eating pretty regularly.

Everybody here is wonderful and will be there to answer all your questions and concerns as you go through the healing process. I know that my daughter (9 months old tommorrow) is the light of my moms life and always brought a smile to her face. She still gets tired very easily and has a hard time making it through her work day at this point but every week she feels a little better. Its a very slow process but it does get better. So keep your chin up!

Take Care,
Dani

Hi, everybody,
2 weeks and 2 days postradiation!! I took my mask out of the closet today and made faces at it, but when my son wanted me to show how it fit, I refused to bring it close to my face.
Still only eating liquid yoghurt and milkshakes. My son bought me some bodybuilders' high calorie drinks from the health food store, but I could not get them down, same with ensure type drinks - they make me sick and make my throat close. I have always been a picky eater and hated artificial stuff and the taste of powdered milk, and now, even though I can't taste anything, I still can't force myself to eat them. Or I did force myself a couple of times, and ended up vomiting, which certainly does no good.
I now havee a metallic taste in my mouth, especially at the tip of my tongue. I hope it is a sign that my tastebuds are starting to wake up??
12 hours without painkillers today - things are looking up.
Thank you for your support and all the advice and different viewpoints - it really makes this stuff easier to live with.
Leena

Leena,

I'm glad to hear things are starting to get better for you. Like you, I couldn't deal with the stuff like Ensure -- I just kept trying to mix up "normal" food in the blender and force down as much as I could.

Unfortunately, the taste buds can take awhile to come back (mine took several months) but when they do, it's a really pleasant surprise.

Cathy

Leena,

I had two cases of some puky stuff the home health care folks brought by and after staring at it in disgust, I offered it back as a contribution. Months later, I seem to not mind the taste and am buying the Boost High Protein. Ironic or what?

I remember things drastically improving from about where you are at. The metallic taste gradually went away and sometimes came back with red meat. The oncologist nurse suggested squeezing some lime juice on the meat and it worked. Good luck, you are on the road to recovery!

Ed

Hi, everybody,
I had a bowl of cream of mushroom soup yesterday and a bowl and a half of tomato soup today. Hooray, Hooray!! They both tasted about the same (nothing), but I was able to eat "real" food!!
This really feels like a major victory. I am making origami cranes ( peace symbols, you make a thousand of them = have a long and happy life).
Come Christmas, I'll eat ham and mashed potatoes, and taste them, too.
Seriously, I am not quite that upbeat, but I'm working on it.
Love, Leena