We thought Mom was pretty much done with her treatment at the beginning of November. Chemo and radiation treatments were done and oncologist said everything looked good and gone.

She has severe trismus and lots of pain in her mouth. Oncologist suggested another group, MD Anderson is in our city, so we made an appointment with a surgical oncologist. She requested a CT which showed half her lower right jaw gone, which I guess was to be expected, either from the cancer or radiation therapy. But also a mass near her jaw and possible lymph node involvement.

We also had a very educational, to me, 30 minutes with the plastic surgeon who explained in great detail how he would use bone and skin from her legs to rebuild her jaw. Mom was totally freaked out. I am sure that she really didn't want to hear any of that.

Biopsy of lymph nodes and another mass in her jaw set for next Thursday. We are waiting for that as if it is in the lymph nodes many decisions will have already been made my God. But I am certain that Mom is wondering if it is worth more pain/hospitals/surgery even if it isn't cancer. 1 month in the hospital. Removal of her fibula for the bone and skin from her legs to rebuild her jaw and she is already very weak and doesn't hardly walk at all. And the doctor told her she would have to completely stop smoking or he would absolutely not do the surgery.

My Mom is not a big talker so she doesn't share a lot of what she is feeling with me, I sort of have to guess, which makes things difficult. I am fully behind her no matter what she decides to do but figuring out what that is is very difficult.

Thank you for letting me vent. I guess my only specific question is has anyone here had an instance where their loved one just decided the continuation of treatment just wasn't worth it for quality of life issues? Because I believe that is where she is at right now.

Dear Jazcat,
I am sorry that your mom is facing more surgery. I hope that the mass and the lymph node turn out to be benign.

If she chooses not to treat it if she is having a recurrence, then, I hope you will try to change her mind. If there is something that can be done to treat it,even if it is palliative, it would be preferable over allowing it to take its course. Oral cancer is an unpleasant and painful way to die.

Perhaps her doctor has some suggestions for you about ways to get your mom to open up about how she wants to proceed. She's lucky to have you caring for her and keeping her best interests as a priority--even if they might conflict with her own opinions. You are seeking information and opinions. So, you will be able to gently educate her which will help her make good decisions.

I'll be keeping you and your mother in my thoughts and prayers for peace with whatever decisions need to be made.

Sandy
xoxox

Jazcat - It sounds like your Mom has some really good doctors and I hope that they have some better news for her when you meet with the oncologist at MD Anderson. Ultimately, it is your Mom's decision as to how she wants to proceed, but she is very lucky to have you to help with getting the best information and treatment possible. It is so difficult to see someone you love going through so much pain. I lost a dear friend to cancer who was also a smoker with a medical background (retired nurse). Because the cancer had invaded every part of her body, and the doctors had told her she did not have long to live, she opted for stopping treatment but it did include some specific instructions for meds to ease the pain and give her a peaceful transition. It was difficult for her daughter and her friends to understand how or why she just couldn't quit smoking and continue treatment. All I know is that for some of us, it is an extremely difficult thing to do. Your Mom (and you) have been through so much already, I do hope that there is better news at MD Anderson for you and that they will have some insight on the best way to proceed. Please get back to us and let us know how it goes.

Thank you both for your responses. I have my fingers crossed about the biopsy. As everyone understands, this waiting is the hardest part.

Adding my blessings and hope that the mass and node are benign! Hugs!

Oh my Lord in heaven. Father I pray right now and under your authority do rebuke the temptation to smoke in this lady. Lord I declare it done

HAVE to quit smoking. My gosh.

I also want to say how much I am thinking about you guys. I will be praying my heart out for ya'll

Your description sounds like depression/guilt I have been fighting since I started the Cancer therapies, in 2004.

Acupuncture will do wonders for many people, if it is not legal in your state, find acupressure treatment.
Not everyone responds well, but those who do, feel greatly different, more comfortable, more willing to live a little longer.

During the course of my recovery(s), I think the most important is the willingness of others to lay their hands on me for therapy.
Wife, MD's could talk themselves hoarse(sp), but did not make me feel any different.
A therapist willing to give me lymphodema massage made me feel wonderful, I started wanting to live so I would not disappoint the various therapists, and I told them so too.
They then told me they looked forward to MY treatments,because they KNEW how important their therapy was to me, making them feel fulfilled.

What I'm saying is, give your Mom foot rubs, whatever touch you are comfortable with as you just talk about your life with her, I promise, you will soon see her eyes fill, & you will feel wonderful too.