I'm brand new to this forum, I found you guys after a late night search for someone to talk to about this new turn in my life. My father was diagnosed about 2 weeks ago with mouth cancer on his tounge. He has an MRI to try to see if it had spread and indeed it has, it is in at least one of his lymph nodes which apparently is some of the worst news we could have gotten. I was doing alright until I talked to him today and he's a mess. My father has always been very non-emotional and the strong one in the family, but it is quite obvious that this diagnosis has put him into a deep depression and he seems like he has already taken this as a death sentence when I know that it is not.

In any case, I just wanted to explain who I am and why I'm hear. I'm hoping that this is a good place to turn to for support in this time of my life where I don't quite know what to do next or how to handle all this.

Faerie,

Hello, and welcome to the boards. We're sorry you had a need to find us, but we are glad to be here for you.

Please take some time to read around the body of this site...not just the message boards. There is so much information here, it should help you help your Dad. It can seem frightening, but then when you get to the survivor stories or these boards you realize there are a lot of us out here. I consider myself a survivor as I believe most of us do.

You might want to print certain things or better yat get your Dad to come to the site.

Remember "Cancer is a word, not a sentence"

You take care and keep us posted.
Dinah

Hi Faerie

I just came back from meeting with my cancer board. I have at least one lymph node posistive and they gave me 70-80% chance to survive. So, tell your father - it's not a death sentence. There are guys who had many nodes involved and live happily ever after.

Faerie,

I just recently got the news of my own diagnosis and I am still in the process of finding out what is going on. The people here have been great in answering questions and offering encouragement.

For myself, the news did send me into a depression which I have slowly begun to set aside. What has helped is what I have heard hear. I would also suggest to you and your dad to ask the doctors the questions that are bothering him. The first docotor I met with helped a great deal by saying: "Hi Fr. Mike, I'm Dr. Treat and the first thing you need to know is that this can be treated." (This was before he even reviewed what we knew at the time) No matter what the stage he wanted me to know right off that it can be treated. Your dad needs to hear that too. He was very honest with me that it will be rough but that is something I'm more than willing to deal with.

I will admit that there have been good days and bad days (and I know many more of both to come) but I'm one of those people who think that our attitude about this can be a big factor.

Please know that you and your dad are in my prayers.

Peace,

Fr. Mike

Hello Faerie,

Your dad will undoubtedly go through many downs and ups as he goes through this life event. You and the rest of your family as well as friends will be affected and involved as well.

For me this reality was one of the most wonderful things that ever happened. To realize how we humans are able to come together and face things like this is truly remarkable.

Fr. Mike's closing word is in fact the one thing your dad and you (and all of us need to find):

PEACE.

I went through (and still go through) plenty of non-peace but I also have a clear and growing appreciation of peace in my heart. It takes time and work for this understanding to come to you. The same is true for your dad.

You can tell him that this thing cancer is beatable. It too requires work. It also requires support and he is fortunate to have you to provide some of that support.

You will have opportunities to speak with him in ways you never would have before. Yes it is a matter of life and death but it is also a matter of learning and growing. Before my cancer I worried about how I would cope with my fathers eventual death. He is still quite alive, but old enough at 77 that it could happen. Then I got my diagnosis of cancer and suddenly the table was turned. I had to think about how my death might affect my father. This provided us many moments of discussion that would never have happened otherwise.

I mention these things not to be morbid but to let you in on some of the many soul-expanding side effects of this whole thing.

I have probably gotten a bit too deep here. Just remember to look for the positive in everything you'll be suprised what you see.

Take care and ask for help.

Faerie my tumor was at the base of my tongue and had spread to at least two nodes on the right side of my neck. After radiation, chemo, and finally a neck disection (the nodes removed all came back as dead tissue, no cancer (the radiation did it's job)), I was given a clean bill of health two weeks ago. I will confess it has been a wild roller coaster ride emotionally for me (I'll be happy to talk with you offline about it), but your Dad needs to know that he can get through this!

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I'm currently trying to tie things together here so that I can go down to San Francisco (about 2 hours away) to be with him when he needs me. I'm working in a temp job that I've been hoping would be full time but they haven't yet had the approval to take me on permanently. I had the suprise of my life when the second in command in the company approached me to tell me that he had heard about what was happening in my life and that I could take off as much time as I needed to... with pay. This new news has taken such a weight of my shoulders because now I can be there for my father when he needs me without the worry of not having money coming in. It's made me more optimistic that I'll be able to handle this and stay strong enough to help my father through this.

I had a couple questions for you all:

1) have any of you consulted with a nutritionist to help prepare a diet that would not only be something you are able to eat after surgery and such, but also a diet rich in antioxidants? I know that diet can play a large role in all of this.

2) How common is it to get a second opinion? I've been thinking of speaking with my dad about going to a cancer center. He's in San Francisco so UCSF Comprehensive Cancer Center is an option. I don't want him to think that I doubt his doctors or anything like that, but I want him also to consider all of his options and not feel like he needs to rush into whatever the first doctor tells him.

3) What can I expect? What will my role be? So far, the doctor has told him that he will most likely have surgery followed up with IMRT. I will be speaking with the doctor about this, but I wanted to get an idea of how much help my dad will need with the day to day activities. This is probably something that varies greatly from person to person and case by case but I was hoping to get a general idea of what's next.

Sorry to go off on a little monologue here, but I suppose I'm just the type of person who hates the unknown and wants to know what's going to be around the next bend. Some people thrive on excitement and the unknown but I feel so out of control and quite simply, afraid when I don't know what to expect next.

Again, I am so glad to have found you guys and thank you very very much for listening (hmn... reading?) to me and I appreciate all the insight you've given me so far.

Faerie,

A second opinion may even be required by some insurance companies so maybe you can take that approach if you think your dad would be upset by the request.

A Comprehensive Cancer Center is a good place to be I think. From my research into things, most of the latest research and best doctors tend to be there. I'm in New Jersey. My family is in the northern part of the state. The diocese I serve in covers the middle section of the state and I'm on the southren part. When I told my family about my diagnosis they all wanted me to go to Sloan-Kettering up in NYC but where I am the doctors are more familiar with the Philadelphia area. I'm going to Temple University Hospitals Comp. Cancer Center. (Also known as Fox Chase.) So I'll admit my bias to this approach.

I'm not sure about a particular diet, I haven't gotten that far myself yet. When and if I'm told anything (I will be asking ;-) )I'll let you know what I hear. (As a strong fan of the NY Giants and Rangers {ok so my teams didn't do too well this year but...} I have to deal with going into Philly alot:-X but I guess I can deal with that for now...)

And you are right, different people will respond differently to things so only time will tell how much help your dad will need.

Peace,

Fr. Mike

Faerie, to your nutrition question. I had my treatment at the MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston and they actually had nutritionist on their staff that were assigned to me. Early on the put me on a high calorie (2700 calories per day), high protein diet. They wanted me to beef up to counter any weight loss during my treatment. Also protein aids the healing process for body tissue. It was interesting that instead of advising me to eat lost of leafy green vegatables, they wanted me eating ice cream, steak and anything else to gain weight! As to the anti-oxidents, I was told to be careful about loading up on the anti-oxidents as it could diminish the effectiveness of my radiation treatment. I would advise you take this up with the folks where your dad is getting treatment as well.

Hope this helps.

Randy Z.

UCSF is the 7th highest rated hospital in the US and the only public one. They are a member of NCCN. They are a comprehensive cancer center.

I don't believe that anti-oxident diets are recommended for cancer patients.

If you go to UCSF a nutritionist is automatic and will meet with you weekly. A nutritionist should be an integral part of your team.

I had IMRT at UCSF and still go there for checkups. My doctor is a professor in radiation oncology and highly published. I personally feel that she is one of the best in the world. If you wish to know her name email me privately.