Have recently had a recurrance in this house, not of cancer, but of a certain stepdaughters' bad behaviour. When Rod was diagnosed in March 2009, and began treatment in June 2009, before we got married in December 2009, I was a very angry little short person, due to none of Rod's family offering any help in any way whatsoever. Now he has NED, and his eldest who is 30 next month has started on me again. One of the things she said was that I was killing Rod by overdosing him on drugs. I'm like what??? She said she was going to take me to court for power of attorney over him!! [jaw dropped here!!'] I thank everyone who HAS helped in any way including being here on this site for me, without the help & love I did get, I wouldn't be able to laugh off this silly girls issues. Seriously though, why are prople such dickheads?? They are so ignorant that they think Rod should be jumping for joy, healthy in every way, back at work etc, apart from laugh, I want to smash their heads against a brick wall!!....Wish they would move to another state!! I still need to be a carer, only now the job isn't so tough. He still needs help with showering/bathing, meds, food etc. Stupid girl!! GRRRRR!!!! lol

Hi Jeanna,

I couldn't believe reading what your stepdaughter said to you!! She should be thanking you over and over....I don't get people either sometimes. Your stepdaughter is absolutely clueless. I just wanted you to know that I've got your back and if you need me to fly to Australia to school this stepdaughter of yours I would be happy to!! I'm a giver in that respect...:)

Hugs,

Shelley

You are doing the right thing in acknowledging that her comments are coming from lack of any knowledge of the situation - ignorance. Knowing that, just ignore it. Some day this person will grow up - until then - not your problem.

Hugs

Donna

It's best to ignore those individuals who are "vexations to the spirit". However, I suppose you could suggest that she get on OCF and start her own thread so she can get the information she needs to be a help to her Dad and to you?

Have they seen Rod? Did he have surgery? Have they watched him thru Chemo and Radiation? Were they there helping to care for him? What the hell do they know if they weren't there to care for him? Drugs, hell Ron is on drugs and I think everybody here is on some kind of drugs and pain killers for the contant pain they will always have the price for being alive! Pain and pain meds to live! Hell I could use some too, I'm always hurting, getting old sucks but I'm alive!

Hi Jeanna

Some people just don't get it and if they are not living with it, it is impossible for them to fully appreciate the day to day trials. I have to share here so am going to hijack you slightly - hope you don't mind ...

Wicked Witch of the East(WWE) and Alex are currently going through an ugly and drawn out property settlement 6 years after the marriage ended. She thinks Alex has "recovered from throat cancer" and is equating his health issues with her back injury of 7 years ago. It did indeed caused her to take 12 weeks off work but seems not to have hindered her physical pursuits beyond that time. She insists she can't sleep at night because of back pain and needs to have a back operation that costs tens of thoussands of dollars. Poor love, back injury must have cut off the blood supply to her brain as well because she seems to have forgotten that healthcare is free in Australia and New Zealand. She might struggle to find a surgeon to perform it too, as she is over 6 years too late for the surgery to be effective (microdiscectomy for the medics out there). On top of this, the poor dear is now concerned she might be suffering mesothelithingamy from asbestos which MIGHT have been used to back some vinyl kitchen tiles she removed from the floor back in 1999.

According to WWE's recollection of events, Alex "happily" told her that he was "clear of cancer" and would be "back at work shortly". This conversation was in June 2010 after chemo and before chemorads started. Alex was bald, grey skinned, dangerously thin, hadn't eaten(as in chewed and swallowed), or worked for 4 months, had suffered lung collapse 3 times during chemo, and undergone a lung resection that nearly killed him. It is true that his PET in June showed there were no mets to the rest of the body and the chemo had shrunk his primary tumour to the point we were going for curative rather than palliative chemoRAD. And yes, there was definitely cause for relief but definitely not celebration as suggested by WWE. The difference between clear of metastases and clear of cancer was completely lost on her. But of course Alex was being upbeat as we all are when strangers ask how we are and the silly cow ignored her eyes and switched off her brain so she wouldn't feel obliged to offer empathy or support.

So back to your story, Jeanna, there are just some people that have no clue and there is nothing we can do to educate them unless they themselves fall victim to a similar catastrophe. Of course you hope they never will and wouldn't wish oral cancer on your worst enemy (well, maybe on WWE), so they will never know how ignorant and offensive their comments are.

As others have already suggested, you can only ignore the comments and pity the people for their lack of understanding. In some cases they can be so far off the mark (as in your case) you can only laugh at such utterly misguided perceptions. In WWE's case, her view of life is so wild it could be elevated to "fairy story" status, and has caused many a late night giggle as one of us repeats one of her more fantastic assertions or comments. Makes an ugly situation slightly easier to bear.

I hear you peeps...No, they didn't see him going through rads & chemo, whilst I was driving him to the hosp 35+ times in 7 weeks, they were too busy abusing me. The younger one walked straight past me as I walked into the elevator and she walked out. It was harder then, it's not so hard for me to wipe it all out now, we are so in love, it's taken 6 years but after being married for 2 years, and travelling the journey we have travelled, I am nmber 2 in his life...he is number one in his life....dumb people - family or not, should be put in a special 'ignorance prison'!!

Jeanna - You know the joys of having a wonderful love in your life! And that is something to treasure and appreciate every day. It's true that unless someone has experienced what the cancer patient has, they cannot understand or empathize. Perhaps it's more than that - IMO that part of the brain which allows us to comprehend what others are feeling is missing or turned off somehow or never learned. The ability to feel others' pain has a flip side in that we are better able to also experience and appreciate the intense joys that come our way. And that's a good thing.