Hi Everyone -

I'm Maureen's daughter. I was down visiting Mom and Dad this past week. First time seeing Dad since his dx in mid-March. He has lost about thirty pounds and looks weak. As much as Mom tried to warn me, it was still pretty rough seeing Dad looking "beat up" by the radiation and chemo. He is in his fifth week of treatment now. One more to go. He is trying to tough out his treatment rather than take advantage of his new suction machine, the lozenges for pain in his throat, the salve for his burns which are beginning to bleed. He has a PEG tube as of two weeks ago but he refuses to have more than four cans a day now....and many days it is only two. I just sent him an email asking if what I saw during my visit was the quiet determination of a tough guy or someone who is giving up? I implored him to take advantage of what is available to help him deal with the symptoms. He looks depressed.

He has been rehydrated twice already. Help. What do we do? Mom doesn't want to upset him but worries that he isn't trying to take care of himself at all. Dad has stage III, base of tongue and tonsil.

Please advise us. Thank God for this site....it is sustaining my family.

God Bless You All.
Laurie

Laurie-
I am so sorry to hear that your dad is dealing with his cancer this way. I can't imagine how upseting it must be to see someone you love, sort of "giving up". Maybe he thinks that his life will never be normal again and that he will not be the same person again. I do not know from personal experience, but from what I have read on this site and the numerous people I have talked to, he can and will pull through this and yes, there is a high likelyhood that he will be the same person he was before all of this happened. You can see how hard it must be for him to cope because he has only been dealing with this for 1 1/2 mos (think you said diag. in March) and look how dramatically his life has changed just since then. I bet if you give him a little more time to adjust to all of these changes and maybe print out some of the positive things that others may post to you about how well they have done, he will see that there is hope. Maybe at his next docs appt, your mom could call and forworn the dr. about how depressed he has become and the doc could tell him that he will not be like this forever and things will get better. Also, to tell him that he needs to take care of himself so that his body can stay strong and heal. I hope things get better for you and your parents and I hope your dad sees the light in the very near future. He just needs for you to stand by him right now, which I am sure you already know. Whatever he decides is right for him, you have to support, even if you disagree. I am sure you will recieve postings on here from people with some experience with this and they can help you further. My prayers are with you and you can always come here for support. God bless.

Laurie, How old is your dad if I may ask? I know that what he is going through is very rough, and just as tough for the family too. But please tell your dad that everything will gradually get better as time goes on. Yes, it's a slow process (as I am finding out every day, since my husband is still recovering from his treatments)...but things can and do get better! I think most everyone here will tell you that it's ALWAYS hell going through the radiation and it's after-effects, and as far as his neck is concerned - you will be surprised how fast that can heal up. With my husband - his neck looked like a piece of raw meat during the radiation - but I couldn't believe how fast it healed - as good as new, afterwards! The point I am trying to make is that yes...this is pure hell what he is going through, but this is SURVIVABLE and time does heal all wounds (as the old saying goes). Just look around this forum and ask as many questions as you like - you will see many survivors here who have "been there and done that" and are coming out the champion in their battle. Your dad can too!! Tell him we are all behind him and support him - and not to give up! By the way - my husband has lost close to 100 lbs. since he started his treatment back in September. Weight loss is inevitable while going through the treatments, but I'm sure with time - your dad will gain weight and strength back. You just have to have a lot of patience. Believe me, I know. I'm still learning things all the time - and that's why this site is such a blessing - to share experiences and frustrations, etc. So anytime you want to vent or have a question or just want to talk - you came to the right place. Please let us know how your dad is doing in his treatments and above all.....keep the faith!

Hi Laurie,
I am 55, had SCC, Stage III Right Tonsil, No PEG tube and lost almost 60 lbs. There were times that I couldn't keep anything down and that dramatically accelerated the weight loss. I believe that due to the nature of this disease and it's location, some weight loss is typical, I am now 40 days out of treatment and at the moment I am eating a filet, baked potato and brocolli. I have put some of the weight back on and mostly I am feeling pretty good. Like Donna Jean said, be patient. Chemo and radiation are one tough hombre. Even when eating was no problem I had no appetite and everything tasted like s**t. I also had to be rehyrated twice. Your Dad is eating more than I did on the bad days. It wouldn't hurt to get a consult from the nutrionist is you're really in doubt.

Hi Laurie,
If staging of cancer is an objective reflection of the seriousness of the illness,my case is definitely more serious than your dad's. With all the intensive radiation and chemo treatment and a severe depression episode a few months post treatment, I am glad to tell everyone that I am still alive and have been back to work full time for almost a year. It was a real nightmare during the last week of radiation when my neck was totally burned with blood and yet I had the mask tightly fixed around it. Complete loss of voice and severe mouth and throat pain. Drinking water was as difficult as eating any soft food. There were more sufferings but I don't mean to scare you and your dad. I just want to tell you most oral cancer patients have to go through all these before recovery. Some recover more quickly than others.I think it is unrealistic to expect your dad to be at a high fighting spirit at this stage although you see a lot of big fighters in this forum. Everyone has a story behind and has been trapped in the abyss of despair at one point or another. Watch out for your dad's problem of depression and seek medical help if it deteriorates because depression can be more frightening than cancer. As caregiver, you should also pay heed to your own mental and physical health.Take care.

Karen stage 4 tonsil cancer diagnosed in 9/01.

Hi Lauri

Sounds like your father might be going through slight depression with this, he's probably not feeling all that good, he's scared for sure about the future but probably won't admit it, and his body's doing things and he's feeling things he's not used to.

My case I'm currently on my second round of rad/chemo, had neck dissectiion, rad/chemo on the left side in oct/nov of last year, they found another lymph node on the other side last month, so another surgery/rad/chemo round again for the right side. Yep the depression is a part of it, as much a part of treatment and recovery as the physical part. One needs to get over that part to get the physical part better.

Thing is, you do recover from this stuff, but you have to fight for it. Had the burns, wound up in the hospital the last week of radiation the first time because the pain was so bad I had stopped eating and drinking completely, but that too heals over. Interesting thing about the skin burns, made the scarring look better. I had the happy chance to have dinner with KarenNG who posted above just before my second surgery, and we both have commented how we really don't look like we've been through the ordeals we have.

The old saying "It's always darkest before the dawn" hold true, even in these cases, it's not really "curing" cancer, it's "killing" cancer. Unfortunately, we forget it harms the good tissues also sometimes, and we have to recover from that.

It does and will get better, your dad will have to fight for it though.
Bob