| | Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 280 Gold Member (200+ posts) | OP  Gold Member (200+ posts)
Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 280 | I am tired of not knowing who this crazy person is that I live with anymore!!!!!
I am tired of the bizarre behavior. Of the paranoia, of the insults, of the mad fits of rage.
Tired of sleeping with one eye open because I don't know what to expect of him next.
Tired of the dr jekyll mr hyde that has taken over my husband.
Tired of watching him pack more and more of his belongings and him not tell me when/where/if he is going somewhere.
Tired of the insanity that is cancer.
CG to my husband, Matt. Dx June 2009 Stage IV Oropharengeal SCC right tonsil primary with distant metastases. Rad to neck- Surgeries to lungs- Every avail chemo - ran out of options Jan 2012, called for hospice help Feb 2012, at rest March 19, 2012.
| | | | | Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 307 Platinum Member (300+ posts) | | Platinum Member (300+ posts)
Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 307 | I don't know what to say other than I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Sending prayers of peace for you and Matt.
Hugs,
Shelley
Caregiver to husband Ron. Throat Cancer. Finished 35 radiation treatments on 11/21/04. 8/2/11 small lesion on lower gum, laser Procedure to remove. 3/6/12 Doc. removed another lesion on outside of his neck. Did a skin graft from his chest to replace the skin on his neck. Went to Heaven on 6/24/12.
| | | | | Joined: Jan 2011 Posts: 571 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Joined: Jan 2011 Posts: 571 | Hi Chris,
I wish it was easier for you. It's been a rollercoaster ride and you've had so many other things going on. I am so sorry.
We had/have a bit of it here.
Keep hanging in there. It isn't you and it isn't him. It's the disease. Even those with NED have anger issues, PTSD, mid-life crisis on steroids because of the treatment, etc. Will he consider an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication?
It makes me sad that he is spending so much time and energy being angry. Seems like a horrible waste, to me. I hope he's able to get it under control.
Sending hugs,
Sandy
xoxox
Ex-spouse MISDIAGNOSED with SCC-HN IVa 12/10. Tonsils out 1/11. 4 teeth out 2/11. TX Erbitux x2, IMRT x2 2/11. 2nd opinion-benign BCC-NOT CANCER 3/11. TX stopped 3/11. New doctors 4/11. ENT agrees with 2nd opinion 5/11. ENT scoped him-all clear 7/11. Ordered MRI anyway. MRI 8/22/11 Result-all clear.
| | | | | Joined: Dec 2010 Posts: 99 Supporting Member (50+ posts) | | Supporting Member (50+ posts)
Joined: Dec 2010 Posts: 99 | HI
I was thinking it was getting easier for you recently. So sorry to know it hasn't. We hear so often how cancer brings life into focus and brings people closer. I have often felt cheated and sad that possibly our last times together would not be like the storybooks. Emmett's demeaner has gotten better recently and I relate a lot of his personality change for the better to him deciding to get off his depression medication. He didn't tell me but I noticed a difference very quickly. You are in my thoughts each day.
CG 2 Emmett,7/09 DX SCC rt tongue. T2N1M0, 1 node, marg neg.4/10 PET/CT clear, 9/10 C back. 10/10 Rad hemi, 2 tmrs mod diff. resec flr of mth. Flap 4 nodes/w/ext cap. 11/10 Peg, CX3 HD, 30 rad. 1/31 & 3/21 6/11/11 - PET/CT "activity" 9/11-all Clear. 12/11 peg out. 2/15 still all clear! 9/14 Prostate cancer treated with pencil beam proton therapy, best radiation experience. Keep it in mind as a treatment option for all tumors that can be seen including head and neck.
| | | | | Joined: Jul 2010 Posts: 531 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Joined: Jul 2010 Posts: 531 | Awww Christine I'm so sorry. He's on strong pain meds isn't he? Any Oxy? I hate that stuff! It makes them so mean. He's probably angry inside also. I don't know what to tell you but to talk to his doc(s) and find out if they can help him somehow, you don't need to suffer like this with being afraid to do anything in your own home let alone not being able to sleep. Good Luck my dear.
CG to Ron
Out of Pain 4/3/13
4/12-lung and under chin growth no treatment
1/13/12 lung biopsy
6/11 recur 6/30 resection #2 Clear margins
Clear 12/10
Surg 5/13/10 neck dis/nodes part gloss/flap R thigh all teeth out
RAD 30 8/10
DX 4/2/10 "Oral Cavity" T3NOMO
12/28/07 Non Hodg Lymph remission 7/08
passed away 4.3.15, RIP Ron, you are greatly missed
| | | | | Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 280 Gold Member (200+ posts) | | OP Gold Member (200+ posts)
Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 280 | Shelly, Sandy, Karen, and Suez, thanks ladies.
It has definitely brought us closer. We have got our moments for sure.
As of yesterday Matt is officially on HOLIDAY! No treatment again until the new year.
During this three months, we are contemplating a move to his childhood home, which will put us back in his hometown, close to his daughter and granddaughter, back in a church that really speaks to his heart.
I am so happy! I will be giving up my stability as far as my job and my family, but I feel that the benefit for his spirit will outweigh all.
Love,
Christine
CG to my husband, Matt. Dx June 2009 Stage IV Oropharengeal SCC right tonsil primary with distant metastases. Rad to neck- Surgeries to lungs- Every avail chemo - ran out of options Jan 2012, called for hospice help Feb 2012, at rest March 19, 2012.
| | | | | Joined: Jan 2011 Posts: 571 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Joined: Jan 2011 Posts: 571 | Great to have a nice break! It's good to read that you are happy! The move sounds like a good idea. I hope everything falls into place nicely and it is a smooth transition.
Take care of yourself!
Sandy
xoxox
Ex-spouse MISDIAGNOSED with SCC-HN IVa 12/10. Tonsils out 1/11. 4 teeth out 2/11. TX Erbitux x2, IMRT x2 2/11. 2nd opinion-benign BCC-NOT CANCER 3/11. TX stopped 3/11. New doctors 4/11. ENT agrees with 2nd opinion 5/11. ENT scoped him-all clear 7/11. Ordered MRI anyway. MRI 8/22/11 Result-all clear.
| | | | | Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 307 Platinum Member (300+ posts) | | Platinum Member (300+ posts)
Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 307 | Christine that is wonderful news! You are such a loving wife and so unselfish to move back to his hometown. I hope Matt knows what a lucky man he is to have you. If you need me to tell him, I would be happy to!!  Hugs, Shelley
Caregiver to husband Ron. Throat Cancer. Finished 35 radiation treatments on 11/21/04. 8/2/11 small lesion on lower gum, laser Procedure to remove. 3/6/12 Doc. removed another lesion on outside of his neck. Did a skin graft from his chest to replace the skin on his neck. Went to Heaven on 6/24/12.
| | | | | Joined: Dec 2010 Posts: 5,260 Likes: 3 "OCF Canuck" Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | "OCF Canuck" Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Dec 2010 Posts: 5,260 Likes: 3 | Hi there it sounds a lot like he knew what he wanted but didn't know how to tell you! Some men don't express what they're really feeling - it comes out as other things! Congrats on the holiday, and the move best of luck for both! Hugs!
Cheryl : Irritation - 2004 BX: 6/2008 : Inflam. BX: 12/10, DX: 12/10 : SCC - LS tongue well dif. T2N1M0. 2/11 hemigloss + recon. : PND - 40 nodes - 39 clear. 3/11 - 5/11 IMRT 33 + cis x2, PEG 3/28/11 - 5/19/11 3 head, 2 chest scans - clear(fingers crossed) HPV-, No smoke, drink, or drugs, Vegan
| | | | | Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,552 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,552 | Get some help for yourself! Find a support group and seek out some respite care for yourself. Having worn both hats - as a caregiver and an irrational cancer patient, caregiving is the hardest by far. It's like a tornado raging through your life - find some shelter.
Gary Allsebrook
***********************************
Dx 11/22/02, SCC, 6 x 3 cm Polypoid tumor, rt tonsil, Stage III/IVA, T3N0M0 G1/2
Tx 1/28/03 - 3/19/03, Cisplatin ct x2, IMRT, bilateral, with boost, x35(69.96Gy)
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"You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" (James 4:14 NIV)
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