We had that when we said that I was pregnant. "Is it wise with your.... condition... er the cancer thing?". Well maybe, maybe not! It really annoyed me that people should put a downer on such a happy event. I know there is a risk it will come back but Martin is a cancer survivor and we will cross that step if it comes.
But we didn't think we could have a baby and then miraculously I got pregnant and now we have Alice Rose. And to be honest now that she is here, she takes the focus away from the cancer. She's a little miracle. We keep positive that it's gone. Our consultant genuinely seemed pleased for us and he said another year and he will be very pleased. He said 3 years cancer free is very good, 4 years excellent. And people now focus on Alice Rose and not the fact that Martin had cancer. That's good, but I know where you are coming from.

Hi Wendy.

I just lost my mom on 5/4/11. I was mom's primary CG, I was the one who most often heard the comments/suggestions/concerns.... it really was unnerving. I was also witness to the way people interacted around her; not only strangers but friends...friends who thought their advice needed to be shared/heard. My mom was paralyzed with fear at times after talking to a well meaning person. I used to just about break my neck, hurling my body over dogs, cat, people to answer the phone before mom did. Looking back, I was unbelieveable at times; I wouldn't allow certain people over for a visit, and if they called too many times, I would block their calls. These people would tell my mom horror stories, what to watch out for, assess her 'healing', gasp when she would have to clear her trach, you get the picture. It reached the point where after all that fight to live, mom was afraid to live. I began to resent people more than I care to admit. Finally, one day mom and I talked and she told me that she was afraid. I reminded her of all that she had already accomplished, she owned her own life, it was hers to live as she pleased. She perked up some after that, but the pain was always present. My mom kind of morphed into independence along the way. Once she finally took back her life, she started going out more, began to be a bit more social, more like herself. She was enjoying herself. Tell those well-meaning folks to clam up, when you need advice, you'll gladly think of them (yeah right). You are so right, he has earned the right, so have you! Enjoy life!

By the way, the cancer never came back. My mom died from a massive stroke and heart attack. The beast didn't claim her!

Donna, I'm so glad your mum won against the beast. Mentally it can take so much away from you, even as a carer. I hate to think what it is like for the patient. I'm glad your mum owned her life. To me that's what I've learnt from this. We are about to move 2200km away from our family next week. This is all so we can reclaim our life and own it. Don't know if it's the right thing to do but will never know if we don't give it a try. This is where we lived before Steve got sick. Steve needs to be confident and independant again. I know here where we are now, he won't be. But back in north queensland he feels alive and that's the best way to feel to be able to start to reclaim life. Most people that say things only ever say it out of love in our case and they don't realise the impact their words have I'm sure. Although some just don't understand and sadly they have never tried to understand. But what can you do. As long as I can filter what gets said we'll get by

Good luck on your move! A change of atmosphere can make a great difference.

Does anyone understand why people even pass along negative stories to survivors? Isn't it common sense to make positive and upbeat statements? I would never say to anyone that my uncle, brother, mother, etc. died from this or that disease. I too like to talk about the amazing strides cancer treatment has made in the past decade or 2 - give people HOPE because as Donnarose said, it is easy for us to get "paralyzed with fear" over horror stories that well-intentioned but uninformed folks relate to us. Be as buoyant as possible so the survivors and close family members don't sink.

Down with Downers, I say. Sometimes it can be difficult to prepare for them ahead of time in order to have a snappy comeback. The worst I heard was when my son was recovering between surgery and radiation. We were at the SS office, where he was applying for Disability. He was out of a job, no health insurance, in the middle of divorce and the lady at the SS office had been interviewing both of us for hours already. Paul was sitting there, weak, tired, with drainage tubes hanging down both sides of his neck and we were both wishing for the torture to end, when the interviewer lady looked at Paul and then turned to me and asked, "Is his condition terminal?" I was completely shocked at her insensitivity. But I guess we showed her! He's cancer free now, got a great job, super sweet new lady in his life and doing fine almost five years later. Needless to say, that SS lady is not on my list of favorite people.

Steve is a survivor not a victim anymore. If you have to be rude to some idiots, go for it. Then ask what happened to them to make them such dingbats. Usually you won't hear much of an answer come back and maybe not them either.

"Does anyone understand why people even pass along negative stories to survivors? Isn't it common sense to make positive and upbeat statements? "
I think that (some) people are likely to repeat their most recent experience with cancer. If its an upbeat story, you get that. If not - you may get that, too. It has been my experience that common sense is not all that common.

Anne-Marie, I canNOT believe that woman at the SS office said that! To add insult, she asked YOU as if your son wasn't there or able to understand! Yes, Maria, "common sense is not all that common".