I have a part time handyman that has worked for me for the past 12 years. Man can do ANYTHING. He is an alcohol abuser. Most days he drinks while working. Won't admit it but of course you can smell it as soon as he walks near you. I have tried everything to get him to stop. He won't seek professional help. It's affecting his oral health greatly as most of his teeth now need to be pulled and he says he's in constant pain thereby giving him another excuse to drink. Of course he doesn't have ins and lives day to day. Yesterday I made an appt with my dentist to see him. He had to rearrange his schedule. I tried all day and this am to reach my friend but I guess he went on a drinking spree so I just had to call and cancel.

I know some of you have experience in dealing with alcohol issues so HELP, what can I do?

Hi David,

I was married before to an alcoholic (he died from it) and unfortunately unless they want to get help there is nothing you can do. I begged, pleaded, tried a family intervention, did everything I could to get my former husband to stop drinking...it didn't work. I started going to Alanon and that helped me a lot. Wish I could offer some positive answers for you but that was my experience with an alcoholic. So thankful that chapter in my life is over.....

Shelley

Hi David:
Unfortunately, Shelly is right. Unless a person WANTS to get help and stop drinking, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do or say to make him/her stop. My first husband and the father of my two children loved us as much as anyone could ever love anyone, but that wasn't even enough. He volunteered into a clinic once, but I later found out that some of the friends he had made while there, and were let out at the same time, celebrated on the way home by having "a few drinks." So, it started all over again. You are a good friend in trying to help your handyman, but, sorry to say, I'm afraid it's hopeless. Gee, this sure is a depressing message, and it brings back bad memories, but just thought I'd tell you my experience. It reminds me of trying to talk/get someone to quit smoking. When I smoked (before OC), any time someone harped on me to quit, it made me want a cigarette even more. It took the horrible ugly C-word to make me quit - immediately. And my daughter, too. Anyway, I guess one never knows, so good luck to you.
julieann

sound like Ron...and see where it led him. good luck, nothing you can do just like everybody says. even with having all he has done, he continues to drink and smoke. i just now take care of myself and my home.

David,
So what excuse did he give you? Just because you cannot stop him from drinking, does not mean you can't get him to a dentist. You say the man is a good handyman so some of the time he must be sober enough to understand what you are saying. Men hate and fear dentists so he may not have been passed out drunk, just not willing to go to dentist. I wouldn't make him another appointment, but would offer to pay for his first treatment or whatever arrangement you had made with him about payment. Give him the dentist name and phone number and see if he will make his own appt. Might be worth a try.

Take care,
Eileen

He called me about an hour and a half after I posted saying that he was "sick yesterday but feels better now." Yeah right! I told him what I needed done today and he showed up on time. I told him when he showed up that I had already made another appt for Monday 9am so "meet me here at my office at 8:45 and don't have alcohol in your body!" Swore he wouldn't and off he went and did his chores.

My guess is that 30% of the time I have known him he has been off the juice (I swear I will never drink again, I feel so much better when I don't drink, etc, etc) Those are the times when I try my darnest to get him to sign up for help; 69% of the time he has been a functioning abuser and 1% of the time he misses days like yesterday and I want to punch him in the face. It's really a tragedy. With his talent and no alcohol he could easily be living on easy street today. His talent and alcohol he will die homeless and young. I just hate to see a life go to waste and be helpless to affect a change.

David, you are such a good soul, always doing so much for everyone and not just on this forum. I wish there was a magic formula I could give you to help your friend. Love doesn't do it. The alcoholic has to WANT to quit and even if he wants to, it does not always work. There are some things you cannot change. You either accept them or change yourself. For me, it was divorce (after 20 years). I learned that alcoholics are often immature but very intelligent and charming in their relationships in order to keep their addiction alive. My ex was one of the most intelligent and charming! I knew of an AA meeting where several alcoholics would meet and go drinking after every meeting. Maybe a counselor could help your friend discover if there is something in his past or in his childhood that fuels his addiction.

Hi David -

Many alcoholics actually want to stop drinking, but they can't.
Even if your handyman isn't drinking or doesn't have alcohol on his breath, alcohol continues to affect his thinking, which makes him crafty: he will say what you want to hear. So, sure - he'll tell you he feels better when he doesn't drink, but he continues to drink. Drinking masks a pain he doesn't realize he has.

Hitting bottom seems to be a turning point, but no one knows what that bottom will be. In my dad's case, it was watching his alcoholic girlfriend neglect her son. He had done the same to his children, even worse. After more than 35 years of drinking, decades of attending AA meetings, going on and off the wagon, he had lost his family, his job and his self respect. By all accounts, he had reached bottom many times. But the simple act of his girlfriend asking him to take responsibility for her son made him realize what he had done to us. And so, he stopped. Just like that. It wasn't easy, but he stuck with it.

Alcohol is a terrible mistress, and my father didn't even like the taste of booze. Having expectations of someone who is in its grip is like asking an amputee to grow another arm or leg. An alcoholic may function normally for the most part, but until he's ready to begin real treatment, he can't be helped.

I wouldn't stop trying to get him to a dentist. You can continue to try to get him into treatment, but know that you may be beating your head against a wall. No matter how big your heart is, just know that it's *his* problem, not yours, and your first responsibility is to yourself.

Good luck.

Marlene

Fire him!
You are only enabling his behaviour and you are making it YOUR problem, not his. You are standing in the way of his hitting the bottom which is what enabling/rescuing is all about.

HE has to WANT to quit. There is NO other path to sobriety. It also requires RIGOROUS honesty.

Be honest with him, tell him what you suspect and recommend he go to AA or/or seek treatment. It probably won't work, as it sounds like he has some more drunks in him, but you will at least plant the seeds. Whether they grow, or not, is not up to you.

If you need the guy that much then make it conditional, after proof of treatment, that he must submit to breathalyzer tests at your discretion (you can buy them for around $30).

There are plenty of sober craftsman out there is this job market. Also, there are many people, in the trades, in AA or still active alcoholics.

Sorry to sound so blunt but I have do a little experience with this, being a friend of Bill W. for over 16 years now...

Thanks all. I just wish I had the answers that apparently no one has.

Gary, I have "fired" him many times before. Works for a while and within a month or so I smell it again and so it starts. He doesn't work for me full time. I only call him when I need him and 95% of the time he drops what he is doing and saves my day (usually restaurant emergencies) so to a certain extent I need him as well. I don't pay him but I do pay his cell phone, rent and utilities as they are all in my name so I do hold the power of the purse strings and that is what I use the most to try and get him to attend meetings. Like night and day when he quits he resumes going to his church and is really a totally different person to be around. I don't view him as a problem or my problem rather a human in need and I hope that I can help him.

After reading everybodies painful real experiences I'm probably not going to succeed but I don't plan to give up either. We all have our faults and I guess being naive this way is mine but I can't change so I gotta do what my heart tells me. There's a sucker born every day.