This guy like all alcoholics will have to see that he has a problem and get determination that it is killing him slowly. Then he will be ready for treatment and a real life. I bet he has a self sympathy problem like most of them do. They seem to have the Pity poor me problem.

As every wife of every alchoholic knows david

Well then, I would strongly suggest that you start attending Alanon meetings. "Normies" simply don't understand the nature of this disease...

David, you are being so kind to your handyman and it is painful to see someone suffering from addiction, but from what you say, it does sound a lot like "enabling" which only slows the progress to "hitting bottom" and finding a reason to honestly quit and get help. I enabled my ex for 20 years because I was a "never give up" type, "till death do us part" and all that crap. Divorce and the end of enabling for me only came after several years of being afraid for my life and for what it was doing to my children. If you are going to use the "power of the purse strings", then read over Gary's posts many times. Whatever you decide, you have to stick to it. So far, you have taught him that it doesn't matter how many times you fire him, you will always take him back. Alcoholics can be so crafty/charming and can be very convincing, even tugging at your heartstrings in order to keep their addiction going. BTW, they lie a lot, too.

Hi, David -

Gary was blunt. Gary is right.

I'm shaking my head because you story is similar to others, and your actions do absolutely nothing to truly help him: you're in a co-dependent relationship that enables his drinking and keeps you coming back for more.

Firing him - cutting the strings - isn't giving up on him - it's making him accountable for his actions. Some call it tough love, and it comes from the heart.

It's absolutely impossible to deal with an alcoholic without some guidance. Go to Alanon, or at least get the book, "One Day at a Time in Alanon." You may only need one or two meetings.

Marlene

David.. .I totally respect you for trying to help your friend. I wish there was more you could do to truly help him, but - as everyone else here has said... he will have to hit rock bottom and make the decision to get help himself. This is coming from the daughter of two alcoholics (I don't drink at all... wonder why?)and someone who also had an alcoholic for a step father.

I have to agree in a way that yes you are enabling him. but I also get why you find it hard to do the tough love thing. It's a rock and a hard place.

He may hit rock bottom for another reason entirely at some point. But it is a lot like watching a toddler make his/her way through traffic - very scary and hard to to watch without doing anything. So I get why you are trying to help. I don't have any advice for you at all. Just offering words of support to you... you are a great person for trying.

Addiction...such a strange thing. Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, food, shopping, underwater basket weaving...vices with a pull so strong people just don't want to muster up the will to say "no".

The bullsh!t answer that they "can't" quit pisses me off. Can't means won't, people need to square their shoulders, straighten their spines, grow a pair and knock it the f#ck off already. Whining about that crap makes me sick..."Oh I want to stop, but I "can't"!...it's a disease!" Cancer is a disease dumbass, stupidity is a choice.

Now I sound harsh, and I am. I've had to deal with addiction issues from immediate family members and it made my childhood a nightmare. One of the reasons I started self defense as a child was my oldest brother was addicted to drugs and alcohol and like to use me as his punching bag. One of my sweetest memories as a young teenager was when he had comeback from the navy and was drugged up and came at me...I twisted him like a pretzel and made him scream like a little girl.

Now I've been physically dependant on opiates, I had to be on them for a total of 23 months, fentanyl most of that time and oxycodone the entire time. Getting off of those sucked, but Resolve can be used for more then just carpet stains.

Can't. Whatever.

I'm reading....You speak from experience and you have to be right but why is it so hard for me to slam the door on him? Perhaps I have my own addiction problem of a different kind?

"The bullsh!t answer that they "can't" quit pisses me off. Can't means won't, people need to square their shoulders, straighten their spines, grow a pair and knock it the f#ck off already. Whining about that crap makes me sick..."Oh I want to stop, but I "can't"!...it's a disease!" Cancer is a disease dumbass, stupidity is a choice."


Eric, you are the man!!! Excellent words that sum up the situation. My ex-husband's family is full of alcohol and drug addiction. It is very painful to watch someone you love and care about self-destruct and be helpless to do anything about it.

David, have you ever watched the tv program "Intervention" on A&E. You can't love someone out of addiction. I know it is hard but you are enabling him. You need healthy boundaries in your dealings with him and with your relationship with him. Addicts are great manipulators and tell you what YOU want to hear. You can't save him - he has to save himself. Good luck - there are no easy answers.

David, you sound like me - the sucker part. I can't tell you the thousands I've loaned friends with no hope of repayment. I really feel for your situation with this guy. Assume you've discussed private therapy with him ad infinitum. If all you've done has failed and you're still hanging in with him all I can say is you've got a huge heart. And the world can't do with too many of those.

d2