hi all, peg removal scheduled for the last monday the 26th but thanksgiving day 2 yr old grandson caught the flu then both me and my wife. hit me especially hard with the throwing up and not being able to keep anything down...even water...lasted 3 full days and nights...yesterday was able to eat a little plus some pegged nutren2...feel weak today but hopefully will continue to improve. so peg removal was cancelled and i will have to reschedule for late dec or early jan. have to go to oklahoma(from fla) for family gathering...not looking forward to this trip (Dec 5 thru 10th)....first since diagnosis and treatment.
don't want to get sick on airplane or while visiting....honestly...i still feel life sucks with this no taste no saliva no easy swallowing, numb/tingling extremeties...still taking roxicet and ativan but in reduced amounts...stopped taking lexipro after 3 days....made me feel worse or so it seemed... more thoughts of suicide...anyway off to sylvester cancer center in miami to get new script for ativan...then off to work for a few hours....luckily i am in off season as a tax preparer so my work load is manageable right now....hope i'm up to the real thing come february-april. best wishes to all.

Sorry to here of the setback on the peg tube removal. This cancer is tough enough without putting up with setbacks. I know this is easy for me to say and I don't know what your exact situation is but my doctors really stressed to me to do as little as possible during my recovery period. They said that your entire body and mind take a tremendous beating during treatment and you need as much rest and down time to recover as possible. I know family gatherings are important but I hope that they realize what you have been thru and treat you accordonly. I do know how you are feeling about how life sucks with the taste, saliva, swallowing, and everything else. I truelly felt I was never going to be the same. I'm 2 years out since my treatments ended and I have to pinch myself every day to beleive how well I'm doing.You will get there Wayne!!!!! This cancer takes longer to recover from than any other. It's baby steps and patience. Patience wasn't something I was blessed with so it was real tough.After the e-mail I sent you I read about your daughter and grandson. I'm so sorry for your loss. That's one area I can't tell you I know how your feeling. You and your wife taking in your grandson is awesome. I really can't put into words how I feel about that whole situation accept that you and your wife sound like wonderfull people who are going thru a tough bump in the road. Cancer and tough times change us in many ways. We can let it change us for the worse or let it make us better people. I have a feeling you and the people close to you will be better for all this in TIME.
Thoughts and prayers
Tim

TIM...thanks for giving me hope for improvement...it's difficult to write things here in the forum because my emotions, hopes, fears, etc. change from "things will never get better"...to "ok..slowly slowly be patient." from one hour to the next my brain can totally reverse itself depending on how my throat is doing....the hardest thing is forcing myself to eat...i am so limited as to what i can get down and still tolerate the tasteless mass. then it always feels as if there is something still stuck in my throat causing an ongoing gag reflex.....i don't know if other's have experienced similiar problems but god sometimes it just doesn't seem worth the 24/7 ordeal. then to top it off...as much as i try to be in a good nature for my wife and grandson...i just seem to have no patience with them and am often an insufferable wretch toward both. i am always apologizing to both and running for my meds. so for right now i have changed definitly for the worse...how my wife handles both of us is beyond my understanding. once again Tim, words of encouragement from others (who have been there and back) have great effect on me. thanks to all for responding.

I know A.A has a saying one day at a time. With this cancer it can be literally one minute at a time. I remember the roller coaster of the emotions very well. I kept a diary every day from the time I was diagnosed. Sometimes I think it helped with my anger but other times I also took it out on the ones I loved the most. Thank God I also had a wife that was a saint and stuck with me the whole process. I couldn't have survived this without her. As far as the food I just tried every thing I could come up with. Some things that worked for me didn't work for other people. I would sit and before I ate and try and pshyc my mind up to tackle the task ahead. Kind of a mind over matter deal. Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. People don't realize what a blessing it is to have normal taste, siliva, mouth ,throat.ect.ect. If the geenie and his bottle walked in my door right now you would be the first recipient of my wishes. I think about you and your struggles every day. Hang in there try and stay positive.
6 inches of snow Sat. 4-5 more tomorrow
that really sucks Tim

hi tim...no snow but got stuck in that oklahoma ice storm and had to drive to dallas for flight back to FL. visit to wife's family was nice..kept myself medicated...her dad is in a nursing/rehab facility...scary place to contemplate. very nice facility but the some of the patients just break your heart. back home now and number 1 goal is to try to get back to 121 lbs...where i was before i lost 6 lbs during my week with the flu...forcing food down and taking a weight gain supplement too...will start to work out with my weight bench and weights...see if that helps....5 minutes tho and i/m pooped....Also will try to cut back on my roxicet and ativan....been 5 and half months on them and docs say try to wean myself off....difficult tho very difficult...get very irritable and nervous feeling as withwrawal kicks in.....try to stretch time between doses but doesnt seem fair to subject my wife and grandson to my bad temper...will keep you all posted as to my success. new stuff medically...they found a 1.2cm spot on my spine so have to get another "better" MRI done....neurosurgeon says stats are in my favor for it being benign and not too difficult even if they decide it has to come out.....then i have to undergo another biopsy of a thyroid mass (dec 27). the last time they did one they did not get quite enough material for a firm diagnosis...looked benign at that point 2/3 months ago, but doctor wants another biopsy just to be sure....not fun but not that bad either.
ok tim and others reading...thanks for support and will update hopefully with good news...Wayne